Last fight of 2015

Don't think me a complainer about my situation.  I am writing some of this down just for documentation sake.  This will be a very negative post I promise.  

A few days ago my wife was wanting me to get a new air filter for the furnace.  It was a good idea and needed done.  She wanted it done fast so I ordered it from lowes for her to pick up and gave her my credit card.  She jumped my case and said "should I be worried about how much debt you're racking up?!". I had to bite my tongue.  Seriously? Her worry about my debt?  She doesn't have a job, she does't pay the bills, it's not her problem.  I've managed our finances for years and we are still afloat.  I don't worry about her debt and we have bill collectors calling for her.  She can fuck her name over all she wants as can I.  I just have the scruples not too.  

I took her and the kids to see a movie a yesterday.  I was telling her some confidential numbers and facts about a hospital that I have some affiliation with.  I probably shouldn't have been telling her the story I suppose but when I realized it was information that shouldn't be retold I told her "don't tell any of this that i'm telling you, it's not really something the hospital wants out there".  She proceeded to jump my case about not knowing when to keep things to herself.  It's funny because the first and only time I ever DIDN'T tell her to keep quite about something that she needed tell, she told several people.  If you want to be trusted- be trustworthy.  

Tonight we were having a conversation about something and she said a phrase that sounded like something her dad would say.  So I called her by her dad's name in jest. She went off on me about how shoe's not like anyone, she's only like herself, and no one is like her but her and she is her own individual and didn't appreciate being called by someone else's name. I later said that it bothers me how we can fight over things that are not worth fighting over.  She then was upset that I said she often gets upset LOL! She told me it is not for me to determine what 's worth getting upset over and what's not and on and on and on.  Ya know what? There's very little that's worth getting so upset and fighting about. 

So My observation in all of this is that different people value things differently.  I know that's not very profound, but it is for this fact: If you value peace more than your spouse you will constantly be giving and sacrificing.  I can't tell my wife what is worth getting upset about.  I can only tell myself.  I don't think much is worth sacrificing peace and love for.  You can call me my dad's name all day long, hell you can call me anything you want and I just smile and laugh.  When finding a spouse find someone who values peace the same as you and you won't have nearly as many arguments about what is worth getting upset over.  

Sailing away on the clouds

Promise

But I will hold as long as you like, Just promise me that we'll be alright

-Mumford and Sons-

Broken

Unable to survive, stifled and suppressed, never to thrive

Broken and hurt, tired of trying and never to assert

Down trodden and outcast unable to ignore the past

Tired, sick and sore wanting only to hit the floor

Lifeless, empty and broken, shattered into pieces never to be spoken

May God sweep up my fragments and stir the waters that were stagnant

I pray he rebuild- piece me together, much better than I was, than I was ever

300

Happy 300th post to me!  When I started this blog I hoped I had something to write and that I didn't just taper off.  Glad to still be at it and I have found value in my writing.

Too damned bad I'm depressed out of my mind tonight.  I have things to write but my captor has tortured my soul enough tonight I don't feel like speaking or writing.  Good night world. 

Why

Why do I care? Why do I love? Why do I want? Why do I share?
Why do I tell? Why do I open? Why do I show? Why does my heart yell?

I want someone to love, someone to care, someone to be there.  
I want someone to give to, someone to share, someone to ask where.  

Why can't I be happy alone in my heart, why can't I be happy from the start.


-feeling very alone tonight-

If you want

If you want me to love- then be more lovable
If you want me to live with you- please be more livable
If you don't want me to leave- then stop being so leavable
If you don't want me to cheat- then stop being so cheatable

Some people want to torture you by demanding that which you are made to do while driving you to do that which you were not made to do.  I am made to love, I am made to live with, I am made to stay, I am made for fidelity.  That is what I want, that is what I strive for.  That is what she says she wants.  However every action, every moment, every essence says the opposite. Why do you torture me, why do you give me a propensity to follow that which is not true to me? 

Entropy

I have got to spend some time alone today.  It was an epiphanic moment.  I thought to myself, this is so nice, I come home and everything is just as I left it.  Then I thought, this is the way it aught to be....after a moment more I thought, no, the way it aught to be is that I come home and everything is better than I left it.  That is what a good wife does.  A good wife is so hard to find though.  I may be entirely satisfied with living alone and everything being as I left it. That would be OK. 

Woman trapped by wine

Addicted to hurting.

I think some people are addicted to hurting people.  They like it because it means that person cared enough to be hurt in the first place.  They also like it because it exerts control over someone they care about; that they care about in their own sick and twisted way.

Not like Bob

I'll never hurt like Bob.  I wish I could. Maybe I will years down the road after I solve some problems, but I really doubt it.  Bob lost his wife last month. This is his first Christmas without her.  He comes into my store almost every day just to get a piece of candy and talk.  He rarely actually gets anything.  He just needs to talk.  It's so heart breaking to see how sad he is.  He is lost without his wife, his love.  What makes me sad as well is, I don't feel that way about anyone right now.  I'm not sure I ever will.  If my wife were to pass in the night it would be a relief.  I would be sad for a very short time, but it would not change my life for the worse.  Matter of fact it would be much better.  I envy people that are sad like Bob.  I have no reason to be that sad.  There is no one that shares my soul and knows my inner thoughts or loves me truly and sincerely.  Bob is devastated today because he does not have his love any longer.  I am devastated every day because I have never known my love. Simply because I made poor choices as a young man.  

Syndrome

So I have been talking with a friend about some things going on inside my head and heart.  She had some great insight into my actions that I don't like, but I concede are true.  That is, I am in want of a savior.  I am seeking someone to rescue me from my poor relationship and make things better.  This is both horrible and great.  Horrible because this is no way to actually find/make a healthy relationship.  Then again, healthy relationships are not made with other women while I am married either in my opinion.  Someone who is willing to have or support an affair when you are miserable is willing to do the same for themselves or others when you're the one making someone less than happy. This is great because I have expected dysfunction to arise in my personal life from the relationship I have had.  This is the dysfunction I have been expecting.  I was not able to see it for myself, but it was seen for me.   I try to be introspective, honest and observant.  The truth is we will never see ourselves entirely as we are.  I am so thankful my friend saw this, and was honest about it because now I know the dysfunction I have and I can combat it.  It makes perfect sense though with my obsessing over love that was lost.  Something that I do not have is easy to make perfect in my mind.  The perfect, attainable solution that would solve my suffering.  Truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect solution to rescue me from my suffering. There is only endurance, will power and closure/resolution that will solve my problems.  No one will do that for me, nor CAN anyone do that for me.  I must do it myself, I must do it alone, with no ones help.  No one but God.  My one and only true savior.  

Hey Joe

Things that affect thought

I have noticed that there are certain things that affect thought for me and therefore affect how I write or if I write.  1) alcohol makes me dumb for a few days 2) time of day and my new addition is 3) physical work.  I suspect that physical work depletes neurotransmitters. On less labor intensive days I think more abstractly.  Or is it depleting my writings from other outlets?  I'm not sure.  

Have I?

Have I really changed? Am I better or worse than I was a year ago? I'm beginning to think about the new year along with it things I have done, decisions I have made, thoughts I have had and things that I say.  There were certain goals I had for this past year.  I have achieved them to some extent.  One of my primary goals was to become financially stable which I have achieved.  I also wanted to decrease my drinking, which I have achieved and I am very happy with the epiphanies that have accompanied that.  Another thing I sought to do was excel at my job, be timely and ensure my boss was happy with my work.  I have achieved that as well.  I have indeed improved.  I have "got my shit together" so to speak, I have become more organized and structured.  I have gotten my self confidence back.  The self confidence that the educational process, as well as the abuses of life and the wife, have taken from me.  I am indeed better than I was which is a relief.  During my educational career I had continued on an ever consistent downward spiral and I feared for my integrity.  I am glad that I am piecing my life back together.   The struggle for me is that in doing so I see more and more how my wife and I are at odds.  Furthermore, I am able to see her abuses more honestly and for what they are.  Previously I ignored them because I wasn't strong enough to fight them and carry on with my education.  Now that I have that strength again she is not happy nor am I.  Regardless, I carry on for the kids.  

Everyone knows a broken heart is blind

Don't let your ideas fly away

Someone cares

Today I had a patient call me in to open the store so she could get her medication.  It wasn't a life sustaining medication, nor was she even out of it.  I knew this, but I still went in to help her.  But why?  Why would she do this to me?  Had you heard our short phone conversation you would have known.  Towards the end of our conversation she began to cry she said "I miss him (her husband) so much, he always took care of these things. He would have made sure I had gotten this on time." The truth of the matter was she was needing to feel like someone cared.  She wanted to know that when she is in need, that someone will take care of her.  So I took care of her.  I reassured her by coming in to unlock my store and provide her with medication that things will be ok.  If she forgets to get a refill on time, I will make sure any time she needs it I am there.  I didn't do it because she needed her medication.  I did it because she needed me.  She needed me to care when she felt no one cared.  That medicine was more important than anything she paid for today.  In my heart I know that, and that is why I went out of my way on a day off, a day my store is closed, to make sure she got the care she needed.  Not just the pill she needed, but the care she needed. 

Senile amplification

Today I was with my grandfather.  He's in his late 80's.  He is still fairly sharp, but somewhat senile.  Senility is interesting in that it seems to, in my opinion, amplify characteristics of individuals.  My grandpa was always a little perverse, now that's he's older and less at himself he's a raging perv.  He is convinced he's fathered the baby of one of his former care givers, he has been in trouble for grabbing workers in inappropriate areas and every conversation ends back up at sex.  On the other hand an elderly woman I know has only become kinder and sweeter as she slowly loses her mind.  My theory is that senility or simply the degradation of neuronal cells decreases our ability to consciously control what we say or do.  For this reason, elderly tend to exhibit more of their base personality than they would if they had the ability to inhibit that which they know to be socially wrong or unacceptable. So that begs the question, when you are senile, when I am senile, what will we begin to exhibit? Will be only get nicer and more compliant, will we be cranky and angry, will we be a pervert, what will we be like?

I am an introvert

I'm an antisocial asshole.  At least sometimes I feel like one. I was at a semi social occasion and truthfully I didn't want to talk to anyone.  So I pulled out the ear buds, sat in a back corner and jammed out and read electronic magazines.  If someone approached me I would remove them and talk with them, but I guess it was clear I didn't really care to visit.  I don't mean to be an ass or look like an ass I am just an ass sometimes socially.  Or at least that's what I'm told I am.  The fact is I go a lot of place and do a lot of things and am around many people I don't really want to be around for my kids to be involved in certain things.  I just really don't care to interact with people sometimes.  Is that so wrong?  The irony is, although I get branded "ass" publicly I will bend over backwards to help a person.  I'm not selfish, I just like to be left alone sometimes.  I am an introvert plain and simple. 

Nearly forgot

Let me out!

Disappointing

I was pouring a bowl of cereal, I thought to myself- I had better put this away I'd hate for mom to have to put it away, she works so hard.  This thought stopped me dead, I realized I have never had this thought for my wife.  It's not that I don't do nice thing for her, but I'm programmed.  I just go along on auto pilot trying to abide by every rule she makes up and do common courtesies.  I scrape my plate and never leave a dish at the table, I pick up my clothes and put them in a laundry hamper, I only set my keys and wallet in their wife-appointed area, I never put stuff on top of the TV stand per her directives.  There's alot I do that would indicate the same level of concern, respect or even love.  The unfortunate fact is, I don't do it because I want to make her happy, I don't do it to make her life easy, I don't do it because I love her or feel she works hard.  I do it because she has asked me to and I do it because I like to keep peace.  To me though, it's a damn shame I don't do it because I care for or respect or love her like I do my mother.  It's frankly disappointing.  Disappointing because I always had hoped to love someone, disappointing because I want to do things because I care, disappointing because I don't think I ever will.  It makes me feel like a douche and that's disappointing too.  I know it's not entirely my fault and is somewhat linked to her behavior, but I have made wrong choices that have led me here....and that too is disappointing. 

Aught

When time does bend- when mortality reaches an end
The mind begins failing- when life's ship is sailing
The lights grow dim- sounds become grim
Your days are numbered- is it ever a wonder
Once you were so vibrant- life seemed so pliant
You had lovers a plenty- Friends you had many
Now old you've grown- no one wants you as their own
Who will by you stand- what of a timer out of sand
One who loves your soul- they will make you whole
After glory and beauty you sought- Missing out on all that you aught
Aught to have seen and aught to have been
Aught to have held and aught to have friend
Aught to have shared and aught to have spend
Aught to have loved and aught to have til the end
Aught twas never was and never will be
Aught of you and aught of me is never to see

I don't want to mad

This is something I hear from my wife one a weekly or bimonthly basis: "I don't want to be mad at you..."  or "I hate it when you make me hate you".  I don't quite get it though.  I don't really change my opinions or my love or hate, I don't want to be mad so I'm not...I don't understand how my wife has such little control of her emotions and thoughts.  I have never, ever in my life told her I hated her or even disliked her.  Truth is I love her, I can't stand her and I don't like her.  I have held those opinions for years and they are not likely to change.  She is so volatile she goes from yelling at me and chewing me out to crying an apologizing literally withing 5 minutes.

The Birds of St Mark's

Walkers

Every day I see them.  People walking in my store, by my store thru my store, around my store.  They are every where in my town.  A lot of them do not own cars. Everywhere they ever go is in this small town.  They walk there.  The have canes, they have umbrellas, they have rain jackets, they have fluffy and warm jackets.  They walk everywhere.  Some of them are young, some old, some are aging.  It's very peculiar to me.  I grew up so far out in the country, and my family was relatively well off, so we always had a car.  I never really pondered the life of the walker until today.  What is it like?  Are they depressed? It would be hard to not ever go anywhere.  I love to travel.  I want to see new things, do different things, meet people, see sights and feel the freedom.  Do they never get to feel those things?  Are they satisfied because they do not know better?  

Name recongition

Names are a funny thing.  I was working on some stuff for a patient today and I read the patients name.  I had no idea who it was.  Then one of my employees said something to me about "Joe" coming in today and it clicked who it was.  I knew exactly who he was, I just didn't associate his full name with who he was.  This was kinda interesting to me because this shows, in my opinion, a huge flaw in health care.  We depersonalize everything and use formal names in all the documentation and insurance work that we often dissociate the person from their file/claim/diagnosis.  They are in-fact, though, one in the same.  Does anyone else have this problem with name recognition? Or is it just faulty wiring in my brain? 

Obligations

So what are obligations really?  Who makes them up? Why are my obligations different than other peoples?  Obligations are so weird to me.  In my best estimation they are self imposed activities that must be done whether we really want to or not because in our mind are either morally or socially expected too.  They are self made, because each individual holds different moral and social ideals to some extent.  For this reason everyone has a different sense of obligation.  To me this is kinda interesting because if you find someone that feels similar obligations to you, then you morally and socially align.  My wife and I have dissonant obligations.  She rarely feels obligation towards the same things as me and I with thing she feels obligations towards.  Initially I didn't understand because I thought obligations were universal but they are not.  They are self defined.  Her self is drastically different than myself.  Therefore her obligations will be drastically different than mine.  

Wood

There are three types of heat.  Convection, conduction and radiant.  Radiant is the best if you ask me.  Why the heck am I talking about radiant heat?  Because I'm basking in it.  I cut and split wood tonight and made a wood fire in my stove.  It feels so good and relaxing. Have you ever experienced a wood fire in a little house in the country?  Well then, depending on your answer, you may or may not have lived!  

Why I ride

I rode. I rode and I rode and I rode.  The wind cool against me, the engine revved free between my legs.  I rode but I flew.  That is my spirit flew.  I flew free.  Free because my mind had to concentrate on the brakes, throttle and clutch as I flew down the gravel road.  If I didn't, I might fly- over the bars. This concentration pulled my mind away from everything that weighs so heavy on me.  My job, my family, my wife and my love.  My mind was not on anything but the next turn and proper modulation of the three vital controls.  It felt beautiful.  It reminded me of how I stayed sane when I was under extreme duress in school.  I need to ride more often.  It does a body, mind and soul good.  At least it does mine. 

Blank

An interesting thing I have noticed is my days that I am off, I generally wake up later. I don't know if it's my mind knows that I'm off or if it's waking up later and my daily biological cycle is at a different phase, but I have far fewer thoughts.  My brain just sits and does nothing.  It feels kinda good but also weird.  I suppose this is a form of writers block which is OK.  It's an interesting observation though because it makes me wonder how much writers block is from our biorhythms and how much is from just not having ideas or trying to think too hard.  Or is it that we deplete neurotransmitters and our body conserves them?  I don't know, but it's all interesting thoughts to me. 

Self respect

I had a very important realization today.  My wife and I got into a heated argument over something absolutely stupid.  I was getting ready for work and was in the bathroom.  Well, I went from brushing my teeth to getting in the shower without telling my wife.  She burst into the bathroom and started yelling at me for not telling her I was getting in the shower now.  It's not because she wanted in the shower, but rather because she wanted the kids to brush their teeth.  I did not respond favorably.  I wasn't mean but I didn't take her "seriously".  Then she started yelling at me about how I thought I was boss because I am boss at work and I tell people what to do all the time.  Which was odd because up to this point I didn't tell anyone anything....I simply got in the shower.  She was the one telling crap.  Finally I told her she could yell all she wanted, I'd try to do better (at God knows what), but if she wants to yell at me, she's playing the wrong game because I won't live my life like that.  Then she told me how much she refrains from yelling.  Which it's a good thing she does because I'd be gone gone gone if  I had to deal with much more crazy than I have.  
So what this made me start thinking is what has changed?  We never used to have these confrontations.  What has changed is I'm a self respecting man.  I didn't used to be.  I used to be depressed, beat down by my school and beat down by my wife and miserable.  Now that I feel I am more than a worthless piece of shit I refuse to take her crap.  She doesn't know how to respond to people standing up to her.  So we get what I had today.  I refuse to let myself go to the point that I was only a few years ago.  I was so miserable and I never realized how much my wife has played into my misery and low self value.  Never again. 

Sad Choice

I made a sad choice today.  I chose money over family. I was pretty excited this week because I found out I had two days of vacation left and my boss was fine with my taking them before the new year.  He also offered to just pay them out.  Well I was sure I would take the time off and try to spend time with the family.  However, this morning my wife was on the rampage. We got into a confrontation primarily about her yelling, bossing and be-raiding me and the kids.  In that moment I thought why the fuck would I want to take a day off work to deal with this all day.  I can go to work, get paid for my vacation, have a little bit extra money and be much happier.  Not happier because I have more money but happier because I have less time I have to be with my wife.  Now that is a sad sad story.  I hope I can change it some day.  

Ignorant Emotions

Emotions are stupid.  I literally mean stupid.  There is nothing logical about them, they make no sense, and they are often flat wrong.  Especially if "love" is involved. Truthfully, some days I despise emotions.  Every horrible decision I can recount in my mind has involved emotions.  Furthermore, every good decision I have made, has never been made out of emotion. Emotions are stupid.  They are the reason I'm still with my wife, they are the reason I did poorly in school, they are the reason I drank excessively, they are the reason I did so many stupid things.  I really would just like to leave my emotions behind but I can't.  They still plague me today, even this very minute.  Someday I hope to experience some good emotions for an extended period of time.  Perhaps then I will change my mind and be glad I didn't stop feeling altogether. 

It's not that simple see

The ember

It was long ago that it started, something that left me empty hearted

Accusations thrown about, all false- only the fruit from seeds of doubt

Abused distrusted and mistreated, guilty without trial and defeated 

Love given, but not reciprocated,  No matter what I did, I was hated 

Longing for for the feel of love, then I met you and no one is above

You came, you saw, you conquered, you loved- my life you honored

Now I need you more than ever, but you are to be found never

Your love that was pure and light, now has grown tarnished and trite 

Back then you used to run to me, now you hide when I look for thee

Alone in this world I now trod, people that I encounter think me odd

I never forget the love we had,  I will never forget the matter so bad

It is that ember in my heart, the remnant of the fire you did start

It's that flicker that keeps me alive, The hope that someday we may thrive

Also searchers, like you and me

This is where I first heard the term "Searcher" many years ago.  A descriptor I feel that is very indicative of my life. 

Are you ready?

I may or may not have already touched on this topic but it's something ever on my mind so I want to write a little more about it.  Are you ready?  Are you prepared?  What are you prepared for?  How prepared are you?  To me, preparedness is a disease, the more you get prepared for reasonably foreseeable events the more you are able to justify outrageous and fictitious events you need to be prepared for.  But how outrageous are they?  Well, that's relative.  And if it revolves around the government it may not be as outrageous as everyone wants you to think. Living out" I have tried to become more prepared for winter.  I try to cut some wood for fires to heat if the electricity goes out.  Sure I have gas heat, but the blower is electric.  I am working on wiring a generator for events whent he power is out.  I got a four wheel drive truck, I bought a tool box to carry a chainsaw in my truck in case i encounter fallen trees on my way home or to work.  Which is not all that unusual where I live in the winter.  But then I start thinking farther ahead.  What happens if we are out of power for weeks? Well I need to start stock piling gas and maybe some food.  What if my trucks motor or tranny blows?  Well I should have an extra drive train just in case.  What if we get in a war and someone drops a nuke? Maybe I should be working on a bomb shelter.  If I make a bomb shelter it needs to have it's own self sufficiency like a natural gas powered generator, means to cook, food stock piled and some weapons.  On and on it goes in my head until I'm like woah! Wait a minute there dude! If the shit hits the fan on that level, I may just wish I were dead.  Maybe I'll just let the nuke get me.  I mean seriously though?  When is prepared, prepared enough?  It's hard for me to be reasonable about it.  It's probably a daily struggle for me but growing up we were never prepared for a damned thing.  We always were waiting for the guy with a chainsaw to come along and cut out the tree, or always borrowing or fixing a generator.  I don't want to be in these circumstances now that I'm an adult.  I want to be ready.  I just need to learn to be ready within reason. 

Who do you rely on?

Last week I realized that I rely on my mother for a lot of things still.  My wife gets so mad from time to time because I ask mom to help me.  I had a moment of clarity though.  I needed someone to deposit money in my checking account because I can't leave work and I don't have a bank close to where I work.  So I called my wife and telling her what I needed she just flat said no.  She said no because it was inconvenient.  She had hours before her next required activity.  My mother is a busy woman that owns a business and helps a lot of people achieve what needs done not just within her family but friends as well.  So I asked mom and she didn't hesitate to say yes.  It took us a little longer to work out logistics because it was far more inconvenient for her than for my wife but we worked it out and got things done.  It was in that moment I realized I rely on my wife for nothing.  She's so unreliable I don't ever expect a thing from her.  Matter of fact, I was given the opportunity to make a position for her as an employee and I told my boss I'd never hire her. That's a sad thought. 

Seeing problems

Another observation I made recently about problem solving is this:  Almost everyone can identify problems, it's what you do with them.  I work with a person who simply stops at seeing the problem.  She doesn't work thru a logical solution.  Once she identifies a problem, she bitches about it.  I try to help her find solutions but she doesn't care.  She actually likes to bitch.  It's so tiresome to be around.  If you're going to identify a problem for goodness sake do something about it.  Don't just leave it be as a problem. 

Seeing a solution

I was talking last night with a friend.  I told him about how I was concerned because I am a problem solver by nature, which means I see things somewhat negatively.  He is a problem solver as well and he said he sees problems not as problems, but as opportunities for solutions.  I thought that was a very interesting outlook and a good way to be positive about problems. 

Fate

Today was a good day, but kinda  heavy.  I went up to eat dinner with my boss.  I thought it was a routine wings and beer dinner but nooo. Hell no!  It was discuss the fate of a coworker.  He's not met his fate yet but he needs to get his shit together.  It's hard when discussing the fate of a peer though.  This isn't the first time.  It's a brutal business we work in and I am just not a brutal kinda guy. It's definitely some tough stuff and heavy on my mind. 

Open Letter

An open letter to my love.

-JAM- 

I miss you a lot.  I know I hurt you. You don't think I was who I should have been.  You were right about that.  I have reasons why I did what I did, but they are nothing more than excuses, piss poor reasons for piss poor decisions that I knew better than to make.  I almost threw my life away.  I take responsibility for my bad choices and I take responsibility for you not wanting anything to do with me.  Some people, when they are ignored or run from, will lash out and say mean things but I will never say a word against you.  You were the love of my life.  I put no blame on you.  I have waited for a long time to talk to you again.  Years. Literally years.  A lot has changed in my life.  I stepped up to the giants in my life and succeeded.  I have a pretty descent life now and I owe much of it to you for giving up on me.  I know that sounds odd, but had you been beside me and supported me in my bad decisions, it would have only encouraged it.  Instead you told me I was not at all what you'd hoped and left.  The pain, the shock, the hurt, and most importantly the realization, caused me to see myself for who I was and where my life was going.  You'd taught me so much and I love the time we shared.  I miss talking, I miss your voice, I miss the thought provoking conversations.  I miss loving you before I knew you were beautiful.  Do you remember that?  You wouldn't send me a picture of you because you wanted to be loved for who you are, not what you looked like. I miss loving you.  I have never stopped, but it just feels weird because there is no where to direct my love.  I guess that's why I write this blog...to send my love and feelings and thoughts out to the nebulous of the internet and hope the universe brings you my way once again by Gods will.  I will wait patiently. I will live patiently. I will die patiently.  If you ever come around, I will be here. If you do not, know that you have always been the love of my life and you always will be.   

Oh well

We have a problem

So, I was thinking today, one of my skills is problem solving.  Part of my job requires this, but it's not simply occupational.  I enjoy solving problems.  That's why I enjoy mechanics and hacking computers.  So problem solving is a hobby for me, I love to do it.  The issue I have with it, is to solve a problem there first has to be a problem.  For someone that enjoy solving problems that means I am always looking for problems.  When you look for things you often find them. At least more often than if you're not looking.  For this reason I think I tend to be negative.  Negativity generally surrounds problems you know.  So if I'm fixing problems, I'm in and around problems, the problem is I will be in close proximity to negativity which will inherently rub off.  So now I have a very difficult problem to solve. My problem, if you haven't already guessed, is this:  How do you become a positive problem solver? Or is my problem with negativity simply circumstantial or genetic? I don't know, but I hope to one day figure this out. 

The sweet sound of silence

This morning I woke up to my wife throwing my phone at me and slamming the bed room door.  Why?  Well, seems my alarm went off and I didn't hear it.  She was pissed at me, which is entirely normal.  I was glad to get out of the house and run errands.  As I have spend the day in silence I realize how much I prefer silence to the noise that constantly seems to be around me.  It's a shame because the home life trauma is starting to really affect me.  I spent alot of my childhood being shy and reclusive.  I enjoyed being alone and often would forgo doing things with friends to be alone working on whatever project I'd been occupying my mind with.  As I grew older I had gotten to where I enjoyed peoples company and enjoyed interacting with people.  Since being home all the time after work and not having the reprieve of school I am finding that I am disliking more and more being with people.  This realization coupled with my previous post concerns me because I am beginning to have a bit of a sociophobes perspective on life.   I am trying to correct it, but it's really difficult to correct without separating from the cause.  I am not ready to leave the cause because my kids are not ready to be left with her as the only adult left unchecked half a week at a time. I suppose all I am in the end, that which I become, that which I choose to be and that which I am made will still be worth giving my kids the life they deserve.  It's been a taxing week and we are only half way thru.  

She looks pretty....

Interestingly enough I had my first moment of seeing beyond beauty.  I saw a girl in passing and she was physically attractive.  The irony is I thought to myself: "she looks pretty....pretty crazy".  Ohhh no! I am starting to see outward beauty as inwardly crazy!  This theory is somewhat proven in the crazy-hot matrix.  It is pretty sad though because I know there are beautiful women that are not crazy.  But prior experience shows they are far and few between. 

Assembler

I'm here

I had a patient in today, I was talking to her as we worked. For the sake of this blog entry we will call her Jane. As Jane and I talked another patient came in, we will call her Sally.  Jane greeted Sally with a typical "how are you".  Sally replied "Ughh, I'm here" in a frumpy tone.  Jane looked at her and said "Well that's something!".  That's something indeed! Especially to Jane.  Jane is a terminal cancer patient.  We don't know how much longer she will be here.  I do everything in my power to see she gets what she needs when she needs it.  She knows her days are numbered.  She has known it for some time.  For this reason she revels in each day.  Sometimes it's a tough burden to bear and she struggles, but she tries to make the best of every day.  How much more are we terminal individuals?  We don't know when our day is up.  We have no idea when we will expire.  Why do we go on living like we are promised a good 80 years?  We aren't even promised tomorrow.  Live you life without regret, live your life such that if you died tomorrow you'd be fulfilled.  Live your life to the fullest.  

Matthew 24:36 "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son but only the Father."

Go drink somewhere else!

So I was piddling around on the internet and stumbled into what I am going to call the Electronic Bar.  Seriously!  It's called InterPals and was supposed to be a place to find pen pals.  It's so freaking weird.  It's more of a strange form of social media.  The thing that drives me nuts though is it's just like any other form of social media.  There's all these ignorant dudes making bar comments at women to the point it just annoys me.  "Hey babe, you got a nice smile" "It's so cool you like music too" (because no one else in the fuckin world likes music but us).   Or "U luk beautiful" "too cute".  Lordy give me a break! Back in my drinking day this was when I'd pull up anchor and go drink somewhere else.  This sort of buffoonery just gets under my skin.  Maybe some people are into this shallow bullshit and flattery but it drives me nuts.  I gotta go drink some where else! No more InterPals for me. 

Oh no!

Oh no!  I'm sick!  My wife texted me all day how bad she felt and how hard life is. Finally towards the end of the day she said "how are you".  Well....how was I?  Sick.  Sick just like her.  I just didn't have the luxury of being sick at home.  Nor will I have that luxury the following day.  It's tough some days doing what I do simply because you can't wake up and say "hmm, i feel like shit, i'm calling off".   I wish that I could, but if I could I likely wouldn't be getting paid what I get paid either.  Oh well.  I take the good with the bad.

Do you have one?

I have one, I actually have several.  Do you have one? One what?  Oh, an opinion of course.  I don't mean to say be opinionated. I am simply saying have an opinion.  Don't be a wishy-washy go with the flow fart in a windstorm.  Know what you like, don't be afraid of what you like and be honest about what you like.  One of the girls that works for me does not really ever have an opinion of her own. I truthfully theorize she is void of opinion so she can talk about either side of a position depending on who is present.  It drives me nuts because today she was having a conversation with a patient about a parade it started out by "yeah, I'm not much on parades either" and by the time she got done with a thousand stories she ended by saying "I just love parades". I was like WTF are you even saying? Do you know? Seriously people.  Have an opinion and stand by it.  It will make you a much more interesting and validating human. 

Ain't nobody got time for that!

What an inconsiderate bastard I can be.  Is it me?  I don't know.  I got up early today to go start the the week with a friend in devotional.  I come home, and no one is out of bed getting ready for school, my daughter tells me they are sleeping late because my wife "doesn't feel well".  My wife yells from the other room for me to come look at her throat.  Internally I sigh and think "I don't have time for this".  In reality I am up an hour earlier than usual getting ready for work.  I do have time for this.  I look down her throat, I don't see much, just looks sore.  I have a sore throat too.  Maybe we are just passing a cold around.  It's hard to say.  The thing that gets me though is she often has a reason to not be timely and she's typically dramatic about it.  Last week my kids either didn't make it to school or didn't make it to school on time at minimum two out of five days.  The week prior to that was Thanksgiving, but the week before Thanksgiving they only made it three out of five days as well.  My mother takes them to school two days out of the week so that means my wife was only able, in the last two school weeks to take them on time once a week.  That's frustrating.  Especially when I am paying for them to go to private school because I want them to have an excellent education.  Further more that's my wife's only job.  I think that being a good mom and wife is a full time job so I encourage my wife to stay at home.  Matter of fact I pay her to stay at home. I really, literally do.  I pay every bill except her gas, groceries and spending money.  Those are her responsibilities and should come out of her $25,000 a year I give her (after taxes!).  That is her JOB.  What do you do though? So now you understand my lack of compassion, but it still bothers me.  No matter what's going on, no matter the past, not matter how she acts or what she does I should still be willing to take more time.  I should take her complaints more seriously.  I wish, I hope and I pray I can have more compassion for her.  The boy who cried wolf is hard to take seriously though.  

Family

What is family?  Well, today, family is me helping out my uncle.  His truck broke down and he is very sick.  So I went and helped diagnose his truck, showed him how to fix it and where to get the cheapest parts online and then I gave him my spare car to drive.  Now I don't say this to brag, I say this because I believe this is what family is about. I try to stress this to my brother who doesn't want to live close to home.  Some day I hope he sees the importance of family.  God has blessed me with resources, some people think it frivolous of me to own one more car than I need.  I think that it's something that God blesses me with to bless others with.  I have been down and out before, I have needed a car and had to pay rental fees out my ass. One year I paid so much in rental fees I could have bought a car, I just didn't have the cash up front and had to use credit cards and go check to check.  I want to be able to alleviate this problem for members of my family and keep them from having to experience that.  To me, this is part of what family is about.  Some times I love it, sometimes it's hard, but family is family and you can't change that.  We live together, we love together, we work together and we suffer together.  

Or did I?

 I know I whine and belly ache and bitch a lot about my circumstances and pine away for a love that's been lost. It's a sad existence but it's not that bad. I was talking recently to a close friend about my circumstances. I rarely talk in much detail with other people because few people really know me and my life. Many people think they know me, but few are really brave enough and kind enough to be honest with (which I suppose is why pseudo anonymity of blogging is an outlet for me). The chicka said to me "I think you can't move past your love for her because you are not happy with where you are at in your relationship, you haven't been happy for the last 10 years. When you moved out and met the girl you love it made you so happy. Until then you didn't know any different, but now your heart knows love and happiness. You remember how good it made you feel about yourself and who you are when she was around. Your heart simply longs to feel that truth again" My friend was right. It was very insightful of her to see that because I haven't been able to see that's partially why I have been so hung up on her. It makes me sad that I didn't do the same thing for my lover though. Or did I? Maybe she fears the pain I caused or maybe I just wasn't that special? I may never know.

I miss

I miss your eyes so green, I miss your curls with sheen

I miss your mind with wit, I miss you and how we fit

I miss the short time we had, I miss you I miss you so bad

I miss your voice so sweet, I miss your emails what a treat

I miss the things you said, I miss the thoughts in your head

I miss the way you loved me, I miss how you made me free

I miss everything about you, there's not a moment that I regret

I miss the time you were in my life and for that I am in debt

Your time is gonna come

Some times my thoughts get lost in my mind

Would we

The light of an lcd dimly lights the room.  A family sits so close, but each person is so far away.  Faces all a glow quietly in their own world. In the background the TV rambles about the topics the government wants you to fear.  While in each persons hand they are filled with desires and lusts for that which they do not have.  They fill their lives with drama, they fill their lives with want, they fill their lives until they are empty.  Void of meaning and void of moral, void of all that matters.  Long gone are they days of cutting wood with dad, sitting by the fire and sipping coffee and cocoa while talking to mom about the days work or the desires of the heart.  Long gone are days that are meaningful.  Now meaning is defined in a world that does not even really exist.  A world that I have found myself sucked into. Would we still know how to sit and talk? would we know the people we claim to love?  Would we be able to share with them what was share online?  Would we?  Would we?

If you like...

Last night I cooked.  I don't cook often. I have so many other responsibilities and my time is spread so short it's just hard to do.  Last night I cooked an Asian dish from scratch and it was soooo good.  While I was eating it I started having this fantasy how I should cook an entire Asian meal for my family.  I started planing the menu in my head and then I realized my wife hates Asian food and she always discouraged the kids from eating it with me so no one would like it.  It made me sad for a moment.  I wish I'd picked more wisely when I married but I gave my dick two votes and my brain one (none?). I know this is true because I started trying to think of things that my wife and I have in common or what we used to do that made me fall in love with her.  After much pondrance I determined all we really did before we got married was fuck and who doesn't like that!  That's where I went wrong though and why I feel strongly opposed to sex before marriage.  Sex before marriage is how good people get trapped in shitty relationships.  You delude yourself into thinking you like someone and enjoy being with them but really all you like is sex.  Lesson learned.  So if you like good Asian food, getting caught in the rain, if you don't mind yoga, if you have half a brain.... 

The irony of that song....and of my life.  Is my wife hates that song.  I kinda like it, specifically I like the message, because the point is the dude loves his wife and he doesn't even realize it because he doesn't take the time to get to know her.  I always felt that could be very true of life for many people.  

Steward

I thought I knew that which I wanted, so I took it for myself, my life since it has haunted.  I do not know what I want or need, I cannot live my life according to my own deed.  I need your guidance oh Lord, live yourself thru me I'll just be the steward.  I do not make good decisions I do not do your will, break my life take it all I'll live for you still.   

Time

I keep on moving, I keep on going.  I make you old and and gray, I make the clear to fade away.  I have no start and I have no end, my origins will make your mind to bend.  I do not eat or sleep, I don't have a moment for any upkeep. Man has made me but he cannot keep me, even though on his wrist he looks to see me. I have no regard for age or gender, for all with wrinkles I will render.  Until the last breath is drawn, then onward I will crawl, ever moving never stopping until the world does fall.  You do not stop me, you do not turn me, you do not own me for I am mine.  I keep on moving, I keep on going, I do what I please, I am Time. 

Who? What? When? Where?

Who is the keeper who holds your heart
Who is it that makes you feel that life is art
What has been given what has been loved
What has always been will away be shoved
When does it stop when will it end
When time is not able to adequately mend
Where hearts are broken and hearts are torn
Where love is only greeted with hollow scorn

The Dude

Wish you were here

What matters

I was working on an addition I'm building on to my house today.  I had kinda an epiphany.  I tend to be very detail oriented.  So much so I miss the point or the bigger picture.  We were stringing wire thru the wall studs to wire in the receptacles. The wire will be covered with dry wall so as long as they are out of the way it doesn't freaking matter what they look like.  I was routing everything plumb and making 45 and 90 degree turns using a staple every 8 inches and then I looked over to see what he was doing and he had his part done it was just all hanging there.  It was functional, it wasn't in the way of anything and it was fine.  I got caught up in the details, so much so on something that wouldn't be visible and didn't even matter, that it took me four times longer to do virtually the same thing.  My point being, for those of us that are detail oriented, we can get absorbed in the details of life and lose sight of what's important.  Make sure the priorities in your life are indeed your priorities.

Maybe...

Attitude is everything

I had a patient today who was very cheery.  She had the kind of smile that just makes your day better.  I felt bad for her, she was on dialysis, she was not beautiful, she was significantly over weight and under privileged to boot.  Funny thing is, though, she was still happy.  She still flashed her smile and made our day.  She was still kind to us and not impatient.  Fast forward to me getting home.  I come home to my wife who is absolutely beautiful, she is healthy and does not struggle with her weight.  She has money and anything she wants I see that she gets.  She hasn't given me a genuine smile in quite some time. 

The truth of the matter is that being happy is nothing to do with your circumstances.  My wife has ideal circumstances but she is very unhappy.  The patient I had today has virtually nothing going for her, but she is a happy person, so much so it's contagious.  I want to learn to be more like my patient and be happy no matter my circumstances.   I don't want to be just happy either.  I want to be contagiously happy!

Cause

Everyone has a cause.  Today at my store we bought lunch from a church as a fund raiser to help provide gifts for children in the community.  Later today someone brought in a sign for a fund raiser for the less fortunate.  Across the street they were collecting money for an animal shelter.  Last week the Elk's needed a gift for a raffle that was to raise money for their scholarship.  Everyone has a cause that is close to their heart.  Some more noble than others.  Some more expensive than others. When it is your cause though, it seems hard to comprehend how anyone may not see things your way.  It is hard as a business owner because everyone wants donations and promotion and handouts for very little in return.  Generally I try to err on the generous side though, because I understand just because something is not my passionate cause, doesn't mean it's not important.  Sometimes the generous offer of a teapot that I haven't been able to sell for the last ten years is worth more than it's dollar value to someone in them knowing that you support their cause.  What is your cause? Do you have one? 

Rewarding

Today was one of the most rewarding moments of my ever so short career.  I have spent a little over a year in my community working to build relationships with the patients I have.  Today I had a guy who's a Harley rider tough guy kind.  He has been struggling to pick the right medicare plan and I spent a few minutes to help explain the plans to him and show him which ones would save him money and explained how he would have to pay out for each plan.  He was really happy to understand and know which plan he wanted and offered to pay me.  When he asked what he owed me I simply told him I'd ride with him next spring.  Riding is the tool I have used to gain his trust as a health care provider and offer him better care because he sees me as accessible.  As health care providers we have to try to identify with our patients in whatever way that we can because it's that relationship that gives them the trust to confide in us with their problems, which we can help to solve to better their health care.  

Self respect

What self respecting man wears sweat pants to work?  And no this dude wasn't an MMA fighter.  He was a teacher.  Sheesh, these people are educating the future of our country. We are fucked.

Loser!

Everything in it's place

Tonight I was cleaning my garage and it was an interesting thing because it made me think that my life is kinda like my garage.  There is a place for everything, but if I don't maintain it and keep everything where it belongs then it gets out of control and is a depressing disaster.  Furthermore I realized that one of the few things I can control in my life is state of garage/yard etc.  I think I will start trying on a regular basis to maintain my garage and yard so that I feel better about myself and to give my mind something to feel accomplished at. A busy life is a good life... at least for me. 

All

All that was and all that has been, all that which was- when we were still friends
Where has it all gone, where is it now- what is left is there anything still to the ends
In my heart I hold the love, friendship and beauty for which I have fought
I keep it inside me since the day- out you threw it for rot
Searching, looking, longing to return all to its former glory
Living alone, dwelling on the past, no one reads this story
With hands that are worn with work and heart that is worn with time
I trudge on looking for you, looking for the love that is mine
Never to be found because all that exist 
They have moved along and on and past this
Alone I hold the pieces of a broken love
Never to return until I see that which is above

Existing

Am I living or am simply existing- falling thru life midst all this twisting

Changing and staying the same, being well known but far from fame

Loved by some, hated by many, unkown to most, friendship with any

Nights so dark, days too bright, I close my eyes to hide from the light

Do we live and when is it we die, how do we know when it's ours in the sky

All that is left and all that was there, in the end it seems all was hanging by a hair

I know

I know I sound crazy, I know I be loco. I write about you and to you every day it probably comes off as psycho.  Some day, on the off chance you change your mind, you will go back and read all that I wrote and rhyme.  You will know I have loved you all this time.  It will be a beautiful love story, you will be amazed by the glory.  Until then, I'll sound insane. I don't care,  I'll hold out, I'll wait out no matter the pain.  Hoping against odds and chance.  Waiting for the unlikelihood that we may dance. 

Dreaming

Last night I dreamt you were no longer shy, I dreamt you reached out and told me why
I dreamt you said you missed me too and I dreamt- I dreamt of you


True story even if it does rhyme

My Friends

What's inside you?

Feeling of defeat

Some days I feel defeated.  My mind is so singular that I get on one project and won't stop until I succeed or fail.  Today I am feeling defeated by my current project.  It's interesting though because I take a step back and it's really not an issue at all.  It's a minor setback but my mind tells me it's earth shattering because I can't figure out how to fix it.  Truthfully it doesn't really matter. I will fix it or replace it, it's not a big deal and I am coming to terms with that.  It's important to come to terms with what you consider to be defeats and figure out how to resolve them.  Sometimes we have to concede failure other times we have to make a new plan for success.  As Thomas Edison once said "I have not failed 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work". 

CRISTmas

Christmas music is on the radio.  There is a chill in the air.  Lights on houses are popping up every where.  Santa is outside the mall ringing a bell.  He's inside too so children can sit on his lap and tell them their material wants. This time of year is such a love/hate affair for me.  I love the time with family, I love the giving, I really don't mind the getting either.  I like the lights, I enjoy the music and festivities.  I despise the commercialism, materialism and consumerism that we have allowed the retailers to make this into.  I also don't really like the whole Santa thing.  Why should he steal my glory for what I give? Of far more importance, why should he steal the glory of that which Christ gave?  To me Santa has always been a distraction.  For that reason we just cut him out in my family.  Instead we talk about how we give because Christ gave.  Which is what the season is all about. Keep Christ in Christmas this year my friends! 

A good start

Ahhh I had such a great start to my day off.  I wish to goodness I could learn to go to bed early and start every morning like this but it's hard when I need alone time and time to write.  I woke up and fixed coffee with steak and eggs for my hater (not my lover since she doesn't love me, she just hates on me).  She had to run off before I got to eat mine though.  Then I had time to listen to some music and I'm writing now.  I wish all my days off were like this!  Also scored my RHCP tickets today so that was incredibly awesome.  
When I stop and think though, about what has made my day a good day, it is that I have been alone.  Which is an epiphany moment.  I will be ok even if I'm simply alone the rest of my life.  I can be happy like that. I long for a companion that reciprocates my "affection" but alone is better than "with" if it's with the wrong person. What makes me think I can get it right if I do it all over again? I suppose it's like I always tell my friends when they ask my advice.  You can enjoy mediocre or you can take a risk and have something worth having or you may end up with a handful of shit.  You never know until you take the risk.  Right now, I have a handful of shit.  Mediocre doesn't sound so bad right now. 

Since I been lovin you

Break the cycle

Breaking the cycle takes time, sometimes even generations.  I think it's our responsibility as parents to try to be better than our parents were.  Sometimes by leaps and bounds, other times incrementally. I think if every generation strives to be better the world would be an excellent place in a mere generation or two.  I know this will never happen, but it should happen in my life and in yours.  If you care about your children and their future instill this principle in them.  Help to make the world better for your generations to come.

Good parents

I used to think we were good parents.  That was before our kids grew perceptive enough to see us for who we are and how we are.  Now that they see the hypocrisy I don't feel like quite as good of a dad.  I suppose being a stellar example is not the end-all-be-all of a parent but I think it does help.  I suppose there is some value in letting them know you're imperfect but it's hard for me to accept imperfection.  I love them for who they are and they know that.  I support them when they do right and when they make mistakes.  I love them unconditionally.  So I guess I'm not that bad.  I just wish I could be what they deserve.  Perfection and nothing less. 

Paying Bills

Is paying bills an art long past?  I deal regularly with many people who only get paid once a month. They have a charge account at my store and almost all of them pay it regularly.  Even the ones you wouldn't expect.  This occurrence happened in such close conjunction to each other that it really struck me and made me take notice.  You see, my wife has never paid bills on time or well at all.  I'm not sure if this is a generational thing, or a learned thing or what.  We struggled for years because I was too preoccupied by my education to pay bills and had to trust her to take care of things.  She assured me she was.  Then I would wake up and try to get ready for school and the water would be shut off.  That was pretty frustrating, but I digress.  Last night a bill collector called our house.  I didn't know who it was when they asked for her and simply turned the phone over.  She took it to the other room, apparently because she didn't want me to know.  Her discussion got pretty heated though and I couldn't help but hear her insisting she would pay and trying to find out the minimum she could pay and get by.  It struck a chord with me because I haven't heard those arguments in a long time since I took over finances.  It's no worry of mine because our finances are totally separate.  I'm not in fear someone will repo a car or the house.  It's simply a mark against her credit...again.  So the interesting thing is today at work I had two patients come in to pay bills and I thought how sad that these guys are better at paying bills than my wife, or a large part of the country for that matter.  The one is an alcoholic that lives with his mother at age 52 and has multiple psychological problems.  No one tells him to come pay his bill, he doesn't get his meds regularly and he's frankly pretty out there.  But as little base level intelligence as he has, he knows to pay his damned bill.  The other gentleman is drunk-tarded.  He has drank himself until he's not mentally competent, he is homeless and sleeps anywhere he can find a place to lay out of the rain.  He lost his tongue to cancer and is an alcoholic.  Despite it all, he knows to pay his damned bill.  How is it that these guys who have it so hard (whether they made it hard on themselves or not is not the point, point being they got it ROUGH) know to pay their bill and make sure their bills are paid before their cigarettes and booze are bought.  Is this something that was taught in a generation past or is it something that's more of an individual instance from person to person? 

Why is it

Why is it I can't say you really missed out, why is it I don't have the self esteem. Any other woman but you I could.  The time you loved me was such an undeserved blessing. Now I am more a man than II ever was. Yet I still grovel like your lowest servant. Set me free from your spell I beg of you!

The resurant

I love this restaurant! It serves hibachi/Thai food and plays Tom Petty and jimi hendrix!

Excited!

I am soooooo excited! My favorite band of all times, the Red Hot Chili Peppers will be headlining an event this year and you better believe I will be there!! I have wanted to see them perform for over a decade but until recent not been able to afford the tickets or travel but the moons have finally aligned and I will get to do one of the most important things on my life time bucket list.  The only thing that could make it better is if you were going.  Are you in?

Dad

I have a patient that comes into my store.  He is in his late 50's.  The funny thing about him is he calls me "Dad".  Why does he call me dad? He calls me Dad because I'm the one he comes to when he has questions.  Not just drug questions but any questions.  He asks me opinion and my advice several times a week.  We have developed a close friendship, despite being over 20 years older than me, he still calls me Dad because I am some he looks up to and respects.  It feels really good to be his Dad. 

Rain Song

Amazing grace

Everything has its time and season, I know nothing happens without reason 
Leaves have fallen winter will soon be in my heart, but I expected that from the very start
At least I know that spring will be on it's way, in my life it will bloom within my heart to stay
Seasons will in time fully grow, no longer accelerated yes even slow
Though my leaves have fallen to the ground, don't write me off I will still astound