Who are you?!!

It has been said that there are three versions of yourself.  How you see yourself.  How others see you. And How you really are in reality.  This is an interesting thought to me but I would argue that there's only two basic versions.  How you see yourself and how others see you.  The way that you "really" are in reality is impossible to determine because there is in-fact no objective measure.  Everyone who has a view of you, translates their view, through the perception that they have of reality.  That does however mean there numerous possible views of you that other people can have because each person has their own paradigm thru which they view who you are. 

The disparity between your view of yourself and others view of you is important because it is a measure of how out of touch (or in touch) with reality you are.  When you view yourself as dapper and genius however you are often sporting sweat pants at the electronics boutique and use all of your glial cells to strategize your next move in WOW it's likely the disparity between your views of yourself and others views of you is much greater than it should be.  This is significant because if we as humans are to improve ourselves we first have to view ourselves honestly, or as honestly as possible.  We have to try to see ourselves how others see us.  Without this introspection we are just merely another egotistical being clamoring about life like a bull in a china shop trying to prove to others that we are in-fact who we think we are, rather than systematically evaluating ourselves and modifying our behaviors to try to become that which we want to be. 

Having said all that, there are many types of people who fall into the category of unrealistic self views, but none are more deluded than the almighty Harley rider.  Have you ever talked to one?  Have you noticed they think they are extremely cool, but the only people who see them as cool are other deluded Harley riders?  Well, maybe adolescent boys that want to be noticed too....but that's certainly not a redeeming population. They go around revving their bikes and acting like asses, thinking they are cool, thinking people are talking about what bad asses they are.  Really what people are really saying about them is: they are very annoying and immature.   

So my point in all this is don't go thru life like the proverbial Harley rider, know yourself, know who you are, know how other people see you and know how to change yourself so people see you as who you feel that you are.  

The Cancer within

Here's an interesting though I've been having...because every day I live this....I know I do because I watched the empire be built from a dream then get crushed only to emerge from the ashes like a phoenix.  It's so weird... What I am talking about is seeing someone reach for their dream only to have it crushed and then reemerge someone else's dream.  It happens all the time with businesses as well as relationships and down to the petty level of cars. It kind of reminds me of what my grandmother used to always tell us as kids "another man's junk is another man's treasure".  So that is really the essence I'm trying to capture in the following poem. 

Dreams that were once whispered, yes, barely spoken. Grew so big 'seemed preposterous it could be broken. A ship that was yet to voyage, was fated to only a few's knowledge. Tore apart from within- as a cancer to the anatomy. Hope came crashing down like fallen stars from the galaxy.  Cancer did spread, it broke it's victim.  Dreams for the ship- failure was the dictum.  As the ship began to sink the cancer did flee, running swiftly with money and glee. Board by board, plank by plank.  The ship was rebuilt to highest rank. The same crew, a new captain.  The same dream with a different caption.  Though the ship be now sea worthy, beware the lines that become blurry.  For from within, the cancer may spread and once again, leave this ship for dead. 

Insomniac's Poem

Alone, cold and dark.  Night so long I anticipate the waken. Remembering a moment so bright yet brief- was only a spark, which with gusto was taken.  So fresh is the memory, so strong is the thought. But, oh, to remember that which was, yet hold that which is not.  To see, only for an instant, thru the thin veil of the screen. Renderances of you, disappearing in a flash- as if wakened from a dream. Now sleepless nights I spend pining for that which I lost, drove a way by my perpetration, I now pay the greatest cost.  To have another chance.  To get a second glance- would be oh so grand, to reach out and touch your hand. Memories, however, are greater than in vivo- for with life comes feelings and the dreaded ego.  Things which may break or be damaged- to the point beyond repair, even with a bandage. If your soul is listening tonight, lets not fight. Our time on earth is too short so please my love, do not thwart.   

Expectations

Why do we expect things from other people?  Especially things we don't think we will really get? I expect my spouse to stop drinking. I don't think she will stop.  Every time she dries up for a week or two I begin to feel hopeful then I come home from work and she's obnoxiously argumentative, cocky and a little aggressive....then i start to look for the alcohol.  So why is it we want to think good about people even when we know it won't happen? Why do we hold out for their change?
I think we, as humans, tend to want to idealize everything we are involved in. When I buy a new car I try to find every reason why it's the best car out there.  The same with my family. When I have committed my being to them I tend to idealize what they are and who they are to try to ensure my satisfaction with them, since I can't trade them in for something else (hence: commitment).  But in doing so, I tend to fabricate beyond that which is reality so when reality become evident, it's annoying or even hurtful to me.  For that reason I think, we as people, need to stop idealizing our family and become more accepting of them and who they are, warts and all.  Once we accept them for who they are, we will learn that it doesn't matter what they do, we will still love them, even when it hurts a little or we are disappointed.

Love, free will and live

This is a thought that I have had that is relatively complex and explains, in my opinion, one of the more difficult topics of suffering, sin, choice and love.  This is an interesting topic because it's modeled in God's relationship with man, man's relationship with God and ideally it is to be modeled, in my opinion, reciprocally within marriage.  Some will disagree with me but i think it makes perfect sense...but then again I am far from normal. 

So I have done a lot of thinking and talking about why life is unfair, how God can allow bad things to happen, how a spouse can cheat on another while saying they still love you. I think I have come to a satisfactory explanation for myself.

Lets start by arguing that love is a choice.  Some believe that it is a feeling or an emotion but I disagree.  I didn't used too because you do have "feelings" for someone when you are "in love".  Is that truly love?  I tend to say no, that is infatuation.  Having been in the "relationship"  that I have been in for the past 10 years I have determined it has to be a choice.  I have to choose to forgive. Love doesn't just over-ride the trespasses I've been dealt.  Forgiveness is an expression of love.  We know this because of John 3:16. I need not quote it.  The entire reason God sent Jesus was because he loved us so much, he had to make a way for us to be forgiven.  When you have chosen to love someone you have to forgive them for as long as love is your choice.  Sometimes the trespasses are too great or the other person in the relationship decides that they are done and want out (does not choose love?  is not equally yoked? does not understand true love? incapable of love?).   So if you agree with me that love is a choice keep reading, if you disagree go google it and come back once we're on the same page.

So if love is a choice, love cannot exist without choice.  Choice is the picking between two options.  Often times in life there are what I call "righter" and "wronger" choices.  Not all choices are right or wrong, but some are more in accordance with what God wants and others are less so.  I won't get into the righter and wronger choice of life though that's another discussion, all I want to note about them is that not all choices are between right and wrong but rather choices based on our perception of right and wrong.  Think of full of crap yet?  Read Romans 14:23 "But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin." So some sins are spelled out for us in the Bible, others are more of gray areas of conscience for us.  If it's a violation of what you feel is right then you're in the wrong, if it's a choice between two things that can be perceived as right, you have to do the one that more closely aligns with your perception of our freedoms in Christ. So I got a little side tracked in there, but all is important to the grand scheme of things in my opinion.  So love is a choice, which means you are choosing between two things.  For a person to make a choice they have to have free-will.  Without free will, you're just a programmed robot to do right.  So free-will is necessary to the existence of love, because love is a choice. 

Free-will is really the crux of love.  Without it we don't have love, with it we can also have hurt and pain. This is where pain/suffering/injustice come into play.  It's hard to believe how closely related all these really big topics are and now that I feel I have come to a marginal understanding of them it makes so much more sense.  So PSI (pain, suffering, and injustice) occurs when we make choices outside of God's will.  Sometimes these are conscience choices sometimes they are not.  Sometimes it's evident the choices we have made, other times people don't know why we suffer what we do.  Additionally everyone is impacted by the decisions of others (be it good or bad). So the only way for there to NOT be pain and suffering is for you to perfectly obey God's plan and for those around you to perfectly obey God's plan.  What's the odds of that happening?  Yeah not to freakin good huh?  I know I got plenty to worry about with myself, I don't have time to try to fix other peoples spiritual quandaries.  So the only way we can have a world that doesn't have PSI is to have a world without choice and therefore no love.  The only way we can have a world with love is to have PSI.   Which is greater love or pain and suffering?  Love of course.  Why do I say that?  Do you think Jesus on the cross endured pain and suffering and injustice?  Heck yeah he did.    Why did he endure it?  For love.  The only thing worth PSI is love.  That means in all relationships there will be some level of PSI because we have free choice such that Love may be present. 

Furthermore, free-will is why things in life suck.  It's the free-will of ourselves making poor choices and the free-will of those that impact our lives making poor choices that we end up at "this sucks".  The fact remains, however, that if this DIDN'T "suck" then we would have nothing to look forward too or work for.  For example, if I want to buy a house, I get a job, work hard buy a house and then I have it.  What if I were given the house?  Then I wouldn't have to get a job then work and save, I would already have the end result.  I would not have the fortitude or character or appreciate the house because it was not something that I worked for. This is kinda like our path to Heaven.  Our lives here on earth are what I consider to be "Heaven training"  if we can get it right(enough) here on earth to live a good life and follow God's will rather than our own then we can get it right in heaven where things will be perfect.  The fact is this: some people can be unhappy with perfection.  No freakin joke.  Even when things are all as they should be, some people will still complain, refusing to do the right thing, it's their nature.  We need to make our nature, such that we can live in this broken world and find peace.  It's hard to do, but that's because this world is not of peace. Conversely our peace is not of this world.  Which means for us to find peace our spirit has to transcend that which we see and put our faith in the unseen God and Jesus Christ.  If we can put our faith and hope in them, and remotely understand their sacrifice and Love then we can have peace.  Sure you'll still have rough days even when you do understand all that, but you will know where to find your peace in life (and it's not here on earth). 

One last thing about free will: I would argue that man is by nature, not good. Some of you may disagree, but I think it only makes sense.  Adam and Eve ate of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil.  Cain killed Able.  These things occurred without any precedence.  They invented these wrongs so to speak.  If it were our nature to do good, then it wouldn't be so hard to be good.  It would be natural to us and doing that which is wrong would be foreign.  However, as I know well, it's not always easy for me to do that which I know is right.  Some things come easier to me and other things may come easier to you.  But ultimately I would argue, we as humans, are evil by nature and good by God.   It is for this reason, that when combined free-will and evil nature we get such a corrupt world that causes us the level of pain/suffering/injustice that we experience today. 

So lets recap so far before we move on.  1) Love is a choice 2) choice cannot exist without free-will 3) perfection and free-will cannot coexist causing pain/suffering/injustice 4) we are evil by nature. Now let's talk a little more about love.  Because this is really where I think I have a different idea.

Love is talked about all the time by people, but what is love?  Based on the aforementioned principles and evidences I see in the Bible, I believe that Love is when you choose to do right over wrong because you care more for someone else than you do yourself. First I have to utilize my free-will to choose to love someone.  Then I over-ride my natural evil desires.  I freely CHOOSE to act in a why that honors that person above myself, my desires and others.  THIS is what love is.  This is what God wants from us and this is how we should love others.   Since we are by nature evil, almost every minute that we choose too honor that person/being we are in effect loving them.  So for example someone may have the propensity towards substance abuse.  In every moment they choose sobriety they are loving God.  It's in that one moment they fail and shoot up or pop the pills that they have given into their evil desires.  It's not that they do not love God, it's just that in that moment they did not love Him as much or like they should.  They loved their evil desires more.  So maybe 1 out of 100 times they fall short but 99 out of 100 they do what they aught.  Would you say that because they shot up that they didn't love God?  No, that's crazy, 99 times they did right.  

This is the same way with our earthly relationships.  Too often we are caught up in "ohh he/she did ______ they don't love me" but that's often not the case.  What is the case is that they just had a weak moment, but every other moment up til then they chose love and acted accordingly.  So say for example my wife cheated on me.  It's not that she doesn't love me, it's that in that moment she loved herself more than she loved me.  And this is why it is hurtful when something like this happens.  You KNOW they love you, their actions typically are in alignment with that notion.  However, in a weak or selfish moment they give in to their evil desire.  And you know in that moment they loved themselves more than the love you.  It's easy to get hung up on those moments in time because they are so hurtful, but we need to focus on the other 99 times that they choose us over themselves.  Why? Because that's how God see's us.  We cheat on him way more often than one out of a hundred, or at least I know I do.  Despite that he keeps taking us back and forgiving us.  It is of my opinion that it is when we are faced with decisions and more often choose the wrong that we are in danger in both our relationship with God and with humans.  Honestly it is probably less often than choosing wrong half the time that we get into danger.  Would  you be friends with someone that wronged you half the time?  Ha!  I know I wouldn't!  When you start to see selfish trends like choosing their own desires over loving you, that you know they don't truly love you, they have chosen to love themselves and "love" you when it meets THEIR needs.  This is why relationships can be so confusing.  How many times have I heard "but he loves me!!"  HECK NOT HE DOESN'T!!! He just uses you when it fits HIS desires/will.  And it can be any sort of things, not just sexually.  

How do we know love? Well 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 describes it to us: 

 "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8 Love never fails."   

This is how we know love. It is when someone is patient with you and kind towards you.  It's when they are happy when something good happens for you and not jealous.  It's when someone is humble towards you and not rude.  They don't look out for their own benefit, but for yours.  It's when they don't get mad over every little thing and they don't remember the times you might have had a weak moment.  They aren't happy when bad things happen, they always protect you, trust you, hope in you and even when things are hard they push on with you. They never let you down. That's Love right there.  Been a while since I felt that.  It's a choice you have to make every day.  If it's a choice, you can also unchoose it, both spiritually and carnally.   So every day you wake up, choose to love.  Choose to do right. Choose to serve God and those that you love here on earth. 

If we have to live in a world of pain, suffering and injustice so that love can exist, we should take full advantage of every moment we have to love.  To love both God and to love people.  God felt that Love was worth the pain of free-will, therefore, true love must be worth more than all the suffering we experience in the world. So love and love  with all your might.  

Eligere Amorem!!

Guns, Flags, Gays and the Govornment

So I know this thought is going to sound entirely conspiracy theorist of me.....but have you ever thought about what people want you to think and how they get you to think about it?  What about people that want you to think about something so you forget about something else? I think of the times in my life when I have messed up and hurt people and how I try to do things to get them to forget about my offenses.  I can recall growing up I wrecked my dad's four wheeler... it didn't hurt it too bad so I washed it and cleaned it nice.  He was happy...until he noticed something wasn't quite right with the handle bars.  Then I really got it.  This is in essence what I think the government and media are currently doing.  Sometimes I think the media plays a role in it and other times I think they are just that ignorant to the agenda that they play right along.  Or perhaps it's because "Every one else is covering it".  Regardless...  the two political factions constantly are trying to rally their base, to do this they use a strategic tactic called "stirring shit".  They try to get those that are aligned with them upset about something or another.  One side calls the Confederate flag racist while raising a Rainbow flag.  The other side says that their opponent is trying to take guns away from Americans, while they mast their Confederate flag on the back of their pickup truck.  All the while the government quietly, though laws and policies entitle themselves to the money of the tax payer.  
So next time you see a Confederate flag, remember that BOTH parties are raiding your wallet like a rebel and next time you see a Rainbow flag remember how the government is putting it to the American citizen.  Every time you see something the politicians want you to be upset about, remember, it's because they don't want you to see what they are doing.  Pay attention to what they are doing because it might just be important.  Don't hate the person who thinks differently than you or votes differently than you, they are not your enemy.  Your enemy isn't a gay or a red neck, your enemy is wearing a suite and tie you paid for, driving a car you paid for, living in a house you paid for and voting for things that favor him/her rather than you.  So reach out and rainbowize the confederate flag, be the United States of America and stand as one against things that are violations of your personal rights.  

Beauty

As a man... I notice women, I won't lie, I really do (men that say they don't likely lost their testicles in a tragic childhood bicycle accident).  Sometimes my looking may warrant a slap, other times it can be rather benign.  But these are some thoughts I had tonight when I was "noticing" people in general.  I was at the bar having my ritualistic Huntington beer of solitude.  I was just observing the going ons of the bar.  One of the most customary and obnoxious events are the mating rituals that occur at the bar.  Perhaps they are only obnoxious because of my introversion, maybe I wish I were bold enough to look like an ass to everyone in the room.  That is neither here nor their, however, what I want to talk about are the three pretty girls at the bar (surprise) and one handicapped guy across the bar.   So I watched the younger handicapped guy as he drank alone, I could see he was lonely but I wasn't sure if I should go sit with him.  I was afraid I might mess up his mojo or come off as weird as crap.  So in walk three pretty girls who appear to have gotten short changed when God was passing out the myelinated glial cells. For the sake of the story they are Blondie, Bimbo and Brunettie.  They sit down at the bar and proceed to engage in their mindless chatter.  As the night goes on, Brunettie gets up and walks over to the handicapped man and sits down with him and shares several drinks.  She laughed with him and talked.  She coaxed blondie to come over and do one shot with him but she was clearly reluctant to do so.  She finally came over, smashed a shot and went back to her seat and idle babbling.  Brunettie made my night great and I didn't even speak to her. With a simple gesture she brought a smile too two men's faces (the handicapped guy and me, no we aren't the same person). 

So the interesting fact is that the one girl, could bring happiness to other people through her actions.  She was physically pretty , sure, but she was most importantly inwardly beautiful.  She didn't have regard for what others might think or say but she went out there and made the night great for someone just by kindness.  We have opportunities daily to think of other people before ourselves and bring goodness and joy to our planet, but so often we are stuck in our shell, scared what others might think (like myself) and we waste opportunities handed to us by God. The funny thing about it all, is her friends were not even a thought in my mind.  Want to get noticed?  Want to set yourself apart from the crowd?  Love and be a servant, even when it doesn't serve you in return.

Perfecting being alone

So I have been thinking about how people always want to be involved in a relationship of some sort. Why are we so scared to be alone? Before one relationship is terminated another is often springing up.  Is it natural course of life or is it fear of aloneness.  Interestingly enough, I have considered when one is best qualified to be in a relationship, and that is when you are comfortable being alone.  The fact is we innately try to create our identity within someone else.  Funny thing is "someone else" tries to find their identity in us.  This is interesting because that means that as a couple you are completely void of any substance. You have an empty, hollow, meaningless relationship.  Until you create your own identity and you are happy and satisfied with that you cannot partake in a meaningful relationship because a meaningful relationship should augment your persona with someone who has their own unique and secure identity. So do not fear being alone, perfect being alone.  Aspire to a fulfilling identity before you try to involve yourself with another person.  You will be glad you did and your relationship will flourish because of it. 

Poems....and more poems.

I swear that this poem was written about me, the events, the time frame, everything.  If it is not it is FREAKY how much it is about me and a friend I had that I miss dearly.  This was written by blogger Issa and can be found on her blog her hit list. 

Never remembered what only was thought. A vapour promised to hold, cheat not, and then defeated in dark rooms without windows. Where untested bones meet unshaken agreements. Forever tomorrow, forever too late. Uncertainties left for the next to find and for seeking - mind greeting salted glass. Friends tonight of loves now past swept away tomorrow's ash. Chance acquaintance, this fire to sword, when striking opposed in twice accord. What beauty is guilted, plunders into a night, echoes of thunder. Then again, they meet and taste this token - there remains a promise yet unbroken.

It wrenches my soul. I have to acknowledge the brilliance of the author,  I would love to talk to her if she is who I think she is or not, that is spectacular. I felt compelled to respond, however, my writing is of far inferior quality.

Forever etched upon the soul. Beauty so great, that from within could not be contained. With the regret of yesterday tucked neatly behind. Yet empty, so empty for no one to find. Long and rigorous journeys may come to an end with promise of opportunity. Yet the door is closed. Chance acquaintance- there is no such thing- only fate and destiny. That which is taken will always be kept- as a reminder of pain an regret. Memories remain, in the heart so deep, somewhere under the sorrow of which no one may speak. 

Blue

Why are my blue eyes so blue?

They are so blue because of you

They have cried a million tears

They have seen endless fears

They loved your every notion

That is why they are the color of the ocean

Why are my blue eyes so gray?

Because you took my love away

I thought I'd found my treasure at last

You were so close but did slip past

And so my soul is drained

This life I live is labored and pained

I wake daily with regret

For missing you? You bet.

I'm sorry for what I've done

I wish I were your one

One and only lover

We'd finish our book, cover to cover

Sensational sensations

Pain and discomfort are peculiar things. What are they exactly? I don't care about all the neurotransmitter and synapse crap. What is pain to an individual soul or human? Pain and general discomfort, in my estimation, is a reminder that we aren't dead yet. Think about how annoying it is when you get rained on walking from your car to the store. Or how you hate to wake up in the middle of the night and find there are no blankets covering you. Think about how you stub your toe on the threshold of the door from time to time or cut your finger slicing vegtables. Think about the annoyance, the discomfort, the pain. These are sensations that are unique to the living as far as I know. For that reason I try to re-frame my mind when I encounter these discomforts. They are in-essence reminders that we have not checked out yet. So next time you get caught in the rain, next time you cut your finger, next time you stub your toe thank God you are still alive and able to experience pain. I'm not saying love pain and embrace it, simply consider it and be grateful you can experience it. Some day, your pain, frustration and discomfort will all be gone and you'll have no idea you're six feet under. The people up on top will say some nice things about you, some will remember you for a few months, some for years, but your experiences will forever be gone from you, as you journey to the other side begins.  

"Somedays" a short poem

I wrote this poem a little while back.  It serves as a primer for some thoughts to come about pain. 

Some days I wish the pain would end
Some days I dream of a place where I can spend
My time living rather than dying
With my inner spirit soaring, yes flying
But do I truely wish the pain to subsided
After all, that would mean that I have died
Pain is how we know that which is real
Though we may not understand what we feel
Without pain we are merely without feeling
Living a life thats not even worth stealing

To love and be loved...

Why is it so hard to be loved by someone that you love? It's a well known fact love is a two way street.  But sometimes it's a dark, shitty, one-way alley for a long freaking time before it becomes a two way street. I mean, think about it.  Odds are if you love someone that doesn't reciprocate your affection; there is most likely (whether you know it or not) someone that loves you, whom you do not love.
Is love even the right word for it?  I know people in my life I can fairly say that I love, but I cannot stand to be around for long. The Greeks had it right when they had more than one word for "Love", I'm going to have to invent a few more words for love to add tot he English language.  Anyhow I spose that is love being defined as, care for another persons overall well being, is what it is when you "love" someone you can't stand.    What I refer to as love here, is really more of a being made whole by another person.  That completeness you feel when you're with someone that makes you feel a way no one else does.  How is it that feeling can be one way?! It's so crazy that someone can make you feel complete, content and happy, yet you not have the same effect on them, but rather you have that effect on someone else, that quite frankly you can't really stand to be around.  Life is so messed up in ways.  I wish to goodness I could have my emotions surgically removed some days. Today is one of them.