Take my world apart

In the end

So this is where the story begins...my dad has figured out some website that he can pirate one of the news stations from. He watches it on his computer almost every night.

Tonight mom calls my wife and quickly asks if I'm there and to send me to her house immediately, it's an emergency. So with no explanation what to prepare for I think what the do you need in an emergency? i grab my gun and ride my bike up there all quick like because that's the best I can think of. Mom comes out on the porch to meet me. Se's crying and trying to explain to me about how North Korea has launched nuclear missiles at Los Angeles and they are supposed to hit in an hour and a half and they said to seek shelter and not run because if you're not in shelter you will die and she's upset and worried. So I come back home where my wife is dying to know what was so urgent. So i told her what mom informed me of, but told her not to say anything to anyone yet because, being the super skeptic that I am, I don't know if this is a fact yet. My wife argues with me and tells three people and calls our daughter to tell her she loves her (we live very far from Los Angeles). Then she just lays in the bed and cries. Mom calls my brother in Erie, he calls his friend and his friend packs all his worldly possessions in his jeep and they are getting ready to come to mom's for the apocalypse that's about to ensue. I get on the computer and i'm like there's nothing at all on here about it. It's gotta be a hoax. I tell mom i think she's nuts, so her and dad call my uncle who was also watching the same news channel. He saw nothing of the sort. Turns out it was just a hack on the pirate site dad was watching the news on! At least now I know how I will react if and when something like this does occur. The saddest part for me though, was as I was going home I thought "this sucks I may die married to a woman I can't stand. I wish I could have loved someone before I died." So that's it's friends. In a death crisis scenario that's the only regret I have. Having never reciprocated love truly with someone.

All worth while

Well, I have no one to tell this story to...so I will blog it.  When we have a new patient at my store my employees and I will send a personally signed thank-you card.  A few weeks ago I had a new patient that was a young child needing an antibiotic.  So as usual we sent a thank you card.  Well she LOVED it.  It was the sweetest thing.  He mother said she took the card with her to school to show her friends and her class,  then she insisted she buy a card for us and send to us.  So today I got a card from one of my patients.  It was such a sweet thing, it's these little moments in life that make all the bullshit I endure every day.  The sincere heart of a child makes me smile like nothing else. 

"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Limited Opinion

Now that's a very interesting notion.  Do you think maybe this is what we are currently experiencing in politics?  NAHHHHH!!  

Social (Ignorance) Media

Ya know what gets me?  How stupid people can be, that's what.  Below is a picture that is circulating on social media and there's all these tools commenting on how brave and amazing this man is and how we don't have the worth ethic and fortitude of people like this and on and on...it's a freaking fake picture.  I have never seen this picture before but I called bullshit at first glance.  That's not to say we don't lack fortitude or work ethic these days, but in addition to lacking those things we also are lacking a damned brain.  The frustrating part it the comments go on for miles and it takes forever for someone to say "That's photo shopped".  I hope to goodness that we begin to get smarter as a culture, but so far, it's proving to be that Idiocracy is the first comedy to become a documentary. 

So here's the actual picture.  It's still respectable, and maybe more so because it doesn't scream FAKE when you look at it.  I wish people could leave well enough alone and appreciate history and culture for what it factually is.  

Weird Love

Blue and Black

Happy Aniversery

Happy anniversary JAM!  Today it's been 4 years since we started talking. Hard to believe it's been that long.  Especially since I can't get you off my mind.  Another interesting fact is that it was a leap year when we first started talking and this is the first leap year since.  Well, I know right now you frankly don't give a damn but maybe someday.  For now, I will continue to write and let you know that it may, in-fact, only take a second to fall in love, but a lifetime to prove it's worth.  That is just what I am trying to do.  Prove to you the worth of my love.  I love you and I miss you.

A good thing

Had a very good thought process today after a long, long and difficult day at work.  Let me start with yesterday.  Yesterday I was at a day-long continuing education conference and my phone is going berserk so I check it and see it's one of my employees.  Now, we are closed on Sunday so I knew it wasn't insanely urgent and work related but I responded to her promptly.  Ended up she fell and was going to need a few days off work to recover.  So amid the conference I arrange to get an employee from our other facility to work and all is good.  Today I got to work and the internet was down.  It was down til noon then we were only able to process claims sporadically the rest of the day.  On top of that my "help" that was filling in was very very slow when the internet was up so it took him almost all day to process claims so we couldn't do much of anything until he was done with that.  It was a long and stressful day.  So I was gathering my stuff up to go and I thought "Should I stop and get some beer?  it's been a rough day-  Nahh, I'll be fine, I'd rather not be intoxicated anyhow." Even when I'm having a bad day I prefer sobriety.  That's a good change of things.  It was a nice affirmation that I am moving in the right direction and learning to better deal with problems.  Even the problem of missing someone you love. 

I miss you

 Hey there...I miss you.  Yeah you.  Just sayin. 

These Days

Don't confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them

Still

What to wear

It's Spring!

It's officially Spring in my world!  What constitutes spring you ask?! The spring peepers of course!  Tonight is the first night I have heard them this year and I am happy to hear their song!  (oops forgot to publish this one last week...been so freaking cold they went dormant again!) 

Be careful

Be careful what you spy, you may not like what you see with your eye
I looked and I saw you, I looked and I saw him and you- yes you two
It stung a little like a bee, It hurt, it was sore like I fell and skinned my knee
I tried to cover it I tried to hide, I tried to run I used great stride
Where ever I went, there you were,  In my mind like the kick of a spur
After some thought, I must confess, I do not own you I do not possess 
I only want you for me, and that is something that will never be
So I'll sit in the corner and cast my glance, I'll live for that moment that I may have a chance
I'll hope and I'll pray, but I'll keep my distance- yes stay away
I'll try to be glad that you are happy, i'll try to smile no matter if I feel crappy
It was my fault for being a spy,  It's my fault, i didn't expect to see a guy
How could I blame you though, after all who wants to go thru life without love to know

Clearly Clarity

Where do you find your clarity?  This was an interesting question posed today that I was giving some thought. I really, honestly used to find my clarity in alcohol.  Or maybe my confusion that made me think I had clarity.  I know that's what I ran to and it was a bad path for me.  I enjoy a beer one in a while now or a glass of wine but I avoid drinking more than a drink or two because I know it's not good for me in any way.  So where do I go now?  I go here.  I write.  I write about my problems, I write about my issues, I write about my cares and concerns and I pretend someone cares.  I pretend someone reads them and I feel like I got it off my chest.  Where do you find your clarity?  Is it healthy?  

I tried...

I try to be prepared.  It's one of my weirdness', I know it is.  I try to be rational though and realize when I am going down a rabbit hole.  What really kinda irks me though, that is someone un-preparing me intentionally.  Not because they want to be unprepared but just because they are that ignorant. I filled a bunch of jugs of water at my house and put them in a vacant cabinet.  When the power went out I went to get a jug and it was gone.  I asked my wife if she knew what happened to them.  She did know.  She dumped them out and threw away the jugs because the water would get old.  It's water.  It's been in the ground.  You are drinking water that has been in the ground for a while and I can't put it in a jug and keep it?  I mean seriously.  Or empty it and refill it.  But no, we had to be unprepared for the power being out.  No water to drink, no way to wash hands, no way to cook/boil.  Seriously.  Just be courteous not ignorant. 

Can I have a little?

Can I have a little of my own stuff to myself in the life?  I have waited so long to be able to do what I want and put things where I want and not constantly have to answer to someone.  I couldn't wait to grow up.  Now I answer to my wife, who might I add, is far worse than my parents.  I can't put things where I want.  I have been in trouble this week for putting a bottle of powder in front of hair supplies on the shelf.  The part the pisses me off the most though, is that I let her get by with being this way.  I am so passive and easy to get along with by nature that I never buck her absurdity.  I never say "well find a new place for your hair stuff". I can't change the temperature on the thermostat or control the temperature in my car or listen to the music I want to listen to when she is around.  I have head phones and tough out whatever temp she wants to be.  Why am I such a push over? My argument though, is I shouldn't have to be a hard ass about things.  I should just be able to compromise, and let her have her way some and me have mine some.  Soon enough she can have her way all the time by her lonesome.  I am growing so tired of her.  

The World

How does the world go on without me?  I feel so freaking important, I get home from work where I have people calling me all day asking me questions and wanting my opinon, and my kids need help with their homework.  I am trying to help both of the at the same time while my mother asks me questions about her patients drug therapy and I think how the hell would the word get along without me?  Well, it would get along just fine.  That's the interesting part.  In my absence someone else would step up, be discovered, get a job etc.  The world revolved just fine before me and it will not stop when I breath my last.  Such is the human life.  We are rarely as important to the world as we perceive ourselves to be.  We are, however, more important to the one we love than we imagine.  We may not mean shit to the world but we mean the world to people, people that love us.  That is what it's all about, not our impact on the world, but our impact on people.  Why is it we as humans have such a hard time grasping that? 

Our Great Depression

Polio Prez

Just because times change doesn't always make it right. Idiocracy, in my opinion, is very right in that society constantly is in a state of degradation.   One of the most interesting things to me is that we had a president, FDR, who had polio and from this was generally confined to a wheel chair.  This, to me, is the societal difference: For FDR a special podium was constructed and braces for his legs such that he could stand while giving addresses and what not.  To me this was honorable and makes sense.  In our current culture I feel pretty confident that we would simply make a podium for a wheel chair to go behind and call it good.  The interesting thing to me about it all, though, is that we were more in tune with the perception of power than we are now.  Now we are more in tune with empathizing with FDR.  The fact is, the president is a powerful man, and he should be portrayed as powerful.  A wheel chair does not convey power and they understood that.  That is the reason they made a special podium for FDR.  Now, all that said, I think that it would be difficult to conceal the fact that the president was wheel chair bound in this day and age.  Technology and cameras of all sorts are just too prolific.  I still feel, if we had a wheel chair bound president, it would be just as important today that he try to find a way to stand for addresses though. The projection of power is important to our world image.  In our empathetic/sympathetic/pathetic culture the projection of power is an art totally lost. 

Soul Music

A fascinating thought I had today as I was jamming out driving down the road is this- Music is an expression of feelings that often times touch us on a spiritual level, it's as if the music can connect with our souls.  At least for me.  So here's my theory, I don't know if it's right or not, but here it goes.  Since music touches my soul, to find another person who the same/similar music touches their soul, they in-turn should have a soul that is similar to mine and therefore increases likelihood of compatibility/soul-matedness.  Conversely a person that has a dissimilar music affinity than mine, would be a poor match for me. So far I have a very small sample size that confirms my theory. 

Continued analysis

In a continued analysis of the Big Lebowski..... I have been giving the movie some thought because to me, cult movies typically have several levels of intellectualism.  Despite the seemingly base humor of the Big Lebowski, it makes some poignant valid points.  The one in particular I was thinking about today is the fact that this entire epic tale, that ultimately ends in the death of Donny (he was out of his element anyways), this entire thing was because the chinaman urinated on the Dude's rug.  It could have all been avoided had the Dude just let is slide.  Had the dude just been able to abide with the chinaman urinating on his rug it would have all been ok (You see, the rug really tied the room together). So the funny business aside, the point is this: you need to learn to just let some things slide.  Sometimes getting all upset over some piss on a rug can cost us dearly.  Sometimes we are wronged in life, but we need to turn the other cheek as Jesus said or learn to abide as the Dude says and just take what we are given and make the best of it demanding nothing from no one other than ourselves.  

Is it just me?

Is it just me or does it seem like every time in the Bible a dude listens to his wife he ends up getting in trouble with God?!  Read Genesis....tell me what you think.

Tales

I don't want that

Interesting thought as well I had today is this: I don't want to be with her.  I don't like being around my wife, I dread it.  When she's home I do very little to nothing that I would normally do if I were alone.  When I am alone I enjoy working out, reading, learning, fixing, keeping up.  When she is home I just sit in my chair and try to hide from her so she doesn't continually ask me to do menial tasks.  I try to avoid her firey tongue by laying low.  This is a sad existence, not just because I am always walking on egg shells with her, but because I don't enjoy life.  Furthermore, I think of my parents from time to time.  Dad LOVES for Mom to go places with him.  Maybe more than she likes him to but she enjoys doing things with him too.  They WANT to be together.  I absolutely do not want to be with my wife.  Period.  Another thing I was thinking about is that I don't intend to stay with my wife much longer, only as long as I can take the abuse and not lose my mind, I will be here for my kids sake.  That said, some day I will cut her loose and this kinda makes me sad.  Not sad because I don't want to let her go, but sad because I always wanted to be that old couple who spent their lives together loving each other and growing old.  I'll be damned if I grow old with my wife, I want OUT.  I know couples that have been married over 70 years and I really wanted that to be me.  Not bad enough to be miserable for the rest of my life though!  

Rediscovery

It's been a lengthy process and I am learning alot daily.  You know, this whole "rebuild yourself" thing isn't just something I can do over night.  Interesting point number one is that I am not entirely building something new.  I remember the direction, drive, dedication, strength, passion and will power I used to have.  I will never be the same, I will never be as pure in mind or spirit. I know I have been changed for the rest of my life in some ways but that's not entirely bad.  I am much wiser having lived and done what I have done and seen what I have seen.  I have more compassion on people because I have been at the bottom and I have been at the top.  I don't take things for granted anymore and I am not arrogant like I used to be.  So what do I want to be or do? Well that's interesting point number two.  I want to be like I was as a young man in that I took the time to read my Bible, I took the time to work out and I took the time to have a little me time.  These are three really important things to helping to restore my strong mental fortitude.

Discovery

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my life and when I started doing what and what led me down the wrong road and it's sad and I never ever like to cast blame because I make my own decisions, no one else does.  I am ultimately responsible for my decisions.  I knew it was a bad decision when I made it, I did, deep down in my heart.  It all started when I married the woman I married.  I used porn 3 times before I got married, I was very adamant that was unhealthy and inappropriate.  My only exposure to alcohol was from my girlfriend at the time, who later became my wife.  Retrospectively she always encouraged me to drink because it eased her conscience as an alcoholic.  I rarely cursed and would NEVER say the Fbomb.  Matter of fact I wouldn't even say something sucked because I felt it was inappropriate.  Maybe I was sheltered, maybe I was just a good guy.  But my corruption all goes back to one point in time and it has since been a slow downward progression (digression?).  At least until this past year when I looked around and said where the heck am I and who is this loser?  It's me.  So I have spent a significant about of time trying to work thru my emotions that I have put off, ignored, jerked off, drank off, cursed off for so many years.  Matter of fact it's now been over a decade that I have put up with my life the way it is.  The more I learn about myself and my actions, the more I reconnect and rebuild the more I see what needs to change and it's one person that has dragged me down for so long.  I have aloud it is the problem.  It's hard to stand strong against someone like that for long and not compromise yourself, especially if you are a people pleaser like I know that I am.  I know things have to change. 

Intellect

Patience is a virtue

Patience is a virtue and I am not yet very virtuous.  I know I have nothing to offer at this point in my life, I have nothing on the table. I really want to connect with you and have affirmation from you but for what?  So I can perpetuate fantasies in my head until I am ready to leave and start a new life? That's inane.  I do not want to leave one woman for another, I want to leave of pure heart and mind with clear conscience. As the Avett brothers say...when you run make sure you run to something and not away from... when I run, I want to run towards good decisions.  That's not saying that pursuing anything with you is not good.  Conversely it's saying that when I run I want to be able to choose you, not be obligated to you because you supported me when my life sucked.  I hope some day we can make amends, just not right now.  I know this and despite the pain and longing for your affirmation I will not push the matter. 

Head Full of Sorrows

Here is the email I typed today to the email address you used to communicate with me from.  Obviously it's been deactivated but I thought I'd post it here so I feel it's off my chest.  

JAM-

I know you darn well may have deactivated this email. I just was going thru some old emails.  Thinking about you and how you made me feel.  I am forever sorry for messing my life up during the time I knew you.  My life still isn't perfect but I have started to rebuild myself.  I just want you to know I was at one time the man you thought I was....it just wasn't when you knew me.  When you knew me was the absolute lowest part of my life.  Anyhow.  I just wanted to try to reach out to you again.  This is really close to the time we met and it breaks my heart every year.  I just want to talk to you again, I hate being shut out of your life.  Even if you don't love me, I want to be friends and talk to you.  I'm so lonely and I know that you really cared. I miss that.  I'm still with my wife, trying to hang in there for the kids sake.  I've gained a lot of mental clarity since getting done with school.  I've graduated and have my doctorate now.  I manage an independent store close to home. I have spent the last year trying to regain my sanity an I have done fairly well at that.  The saner I become though, the more clear it is to me that I am in a very abusive relationship.  Well, I guess I'll stop rambling.  I just want so bad to hear from you.   You know what I love the most about you?  The connection/chemistry we had, the love I felt and reciprocated even before I ever saw you.  It felt so awesome to truly love someone regardless of how they looked.  Anyhow, I really hope you read this.  Know that I love you, I always will.  Please, please if you can find it in your heart please reply.  It's been almost 4 years now since we met and not a day goes by I don't think of you.  I'm begging for your mercy and to just talk to me and be my friend.  

Maimed Heart

The snow has has fallen so white, indoors and under roof I sit tight
Waiting for the weather to break, looking for sunshine even if fake
Something to warm my body, something to make me feel less shoddy
Under the snow lies the grounds fault, secrets hidden under the white vault
Like the walls that we build around our hearts, so no one can get in- no one can even starts
To see us for who we are, to see us with our scars
Like the sunshine melts the snow, slowly but steadily with it's warm glow
So I hope someday for a truest love, one that is righteous and from above
To unbuild my walls brick by brick,  with patients and love even when in the thick
To see my pain yes see my scars, yet love without number like the stars
I long for that love- I do indeed,  The day my maimed heart be freed

Friends

Mindful of time

Help I've been poisoned!

Well I have...in more than one way.  Firstly, my wife poisoned me with mono/Epstein Barr and it has hung on desperately.  I have been pretty sick and on a regular basis for the last 9 months and I can't seem to kick it.  After reading some research I conferred with my PCP and decided to try long term antiviral therapy to reduce the viral load and allow my body time to develop effective immunity against the virus.  For Lent I had been also giving up -OH consumption but I knew that it would be very hard on my liver to consume alcohol and take the antiviral consummately for the next 6 months or more so I decided to have two beers last-night before I start my therapy.  I haven't drank anything for a few weeks now.  This morning I woke up and I felt horrid.  I felt as if I'd been poisoned.  I suppose essentially I had been.  My hemoglobin was filled with -OH molecules rather than O2 molecules but it's always intriguing to me how bad alcohol will make you feel when you're not accustomed to drinking it.  If you drink it regularly you become used to it and don't even know the torture your body is going thru.  

The Dude Abides part 2

So as I lay down to sleep last-night after writing I was thinking about how the Dude abides.  The Dude abides by adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep is mind, you know, uh, limber.  So what is that I do to be able to abide like the Dude?  I have to be able to turn over my anxiety and my problems to God, to let go and know that someone higher than me is taking care of my crap.  This is a much better mechanism for abiding, yet it is much more difficult to do! To abide with a clean heart and a clear mind is tough, but it is possible I suppose and that is what I strive for. 

The Man In Me

The Dude Abides

Tonight I watched one of your favorite movies.  The Big Lebowski.  It did my heart good.  Not because of you, or memories of you but because of the lessons in the stupid movie.  I love this movie because it's so multifactorial.  You can take it at the base level stupid funny or you can see into it deeper and one of the most important points I think is at the end where The Dude is talking to the narrator and he says "The Dude Abides".  Some people just think it's a cool/fun statement but it's so much more. To abide means to "accept" or "act in accordance with".  So what The Dude in essence is saying is he accepts or acts in accordance.  It doesn't matter what happens, how much crap goes down, he accepts it and acts in accordance.  This is the zen life I strive for.  I don't control the crap that falls on me.  It's not mine to choose what happens and what doesn't.  It is simply mine to accept it and to live accordingly such that I am fulfilled.  So tonight, as I think about you, the things that went down and the crap I was dealt, or that I myself dealt; I find comfort knowing that I, like The Dude, can simply abide.   

Balance

There is a balance to everything that goes on in life. Where there's a high, there's a low.  Where there's an ebb there's a flow.  Where there's a stop there's a go.  Everything has it's converse and it's adverse.  There is balance to what goes on in the world.  You were my good and I was your bad, we met and caused dissolution into mediocrity.  I hope that someday you will find me again and we will have a more balanced dance of life.  One that is of reciprocity that can endure.  I miss you my love.  You hold my heart. 

Political BullCrappery

This is how I feel about the current state of politics.  

My Love

I am moving in on the time I met my love.  I know it was this time of year because I remember it was Lent, but it was an odd year because the way the weeks fell it was actually in early March.  She gave up dark chocolate for Lent...she lasted 4 days.  The irony I never noticed, but I just realized now and it really compels me because if was very coincidental (or not) is that I met my love shortly after the beginning of Lent and I botched my life up by the end of the Lent.  She ran from me shortly there after.  This time of year always reminds me of her.  It also reminds me of how I need to align myself with what I believe and try to live it rather than just talk it.

Lent

I'm not Catholic...the woman I love is.  That is not why I try to honor Lent though.  I honor it because Jesus is my savior and I think it's something good and noble the Catholics do.  My indulgence that I am trying to fast from is cursing.  It's one of my less awesome characteristics and it's tough to break.  Having that thought in my mind though makes it ever fresh in my mind how human I am which is a good reality check for me.  I have worked hard to be who I am and do what I do and I'm pretty good at alot of things.  Sometimes I forget that I am imperfect and need saved from myself and my imperfection.  I have definitely not been able to keep my Lent fast from cursing but I renew my commitment every time I curse. 

Notes

It's funny, I write notes to myself about things I want to write about.  I try to make them ambiguous so my wife doesn't understand them if she reads them.  I mean, who the heck leaves notes on their phone that say "I can't freaking stand my wife".  Not this guy I tell ya that much.  It's kinda funny though, I feel so strongly about things and write just one or two words about it my thought and if I do it while I am still passionate about that thought then I remember it.  If I wait until the passion and fire is gone I forget all about it.  That's not a bad thing really.  It means it's gone from my concern and I've moved on without dwelling on my hurt or being wronged.  Maybe I need to write better notes, or maybe I just need to enjoy the fact that I can move on without complaining!  

Irony

Well, this post was originally to be entitled "thanks for thinkin" and was dedicated to my wife's lack of thought.  It was spurred by how I always get her an entire small pizza of her favorite pizza when I am at this one restaurant.  Never has she even brought me left overs when she goes out to eat.  It's frustrating because no only do I think of her, but she says I "never think of her".  The good news is, for the very first time in the 12 years we have been together, 10 of which we have been married, she got me something I actually liked for my birthday.  This is so significant to me, but I am still skeptical she thought it up on her own.  It is significant because it shows she does know me a little bit.  Now, the sad part is, you'd know I'd love a RHCP tshirt from simply reading my blog.  She lives with me and it took her that long to figure it out. I will let her have this win though, and I will be grateful, very grateful that she has gotten me something I like.  It's meaninful because it gives me a sad glimmer of hope that she is becoming more in touch with me.  

Rejection

I know why our dissolution bothers me so bad.  It's because you are the ONLY relationship or friendship I have EVER had that when we went separate ways it was not mutual nor did I have any say in it.  It is the feeling of rejection and I have never felt that before.  That is why my pain for you is so different.  I wish we could still be friends if nothing more.  I miss your emails, your humor and conversation.  You were a good friend my love. 

Memory lane

Oh crap! I put my finger on it while I was out driving.  I went for a drive because that's what I used to do to clear my head before I took up some other worse pass-times to get things out of my mind.  This is it.  My memory.  My memory is back.  It's weird. I am certain of it and I'm afraid what it will bring.  Somewhere in the midst of all my bullshit I went thru and the bullshit I made for myself I stopped remembering.  I have always had an exceptional memory up to the time I moved out and my grandparents died I got a DUI and you left me.  When all that shit hit the fan I lost that ability to remember and to feel.  This year I started to feel again because I finally, after three years bucked up and started working thru my problems and feelings revolving around all that. Two day ago at work was the first day I noticed it was back.  I remembered names of patients and what drug they got and what the situation was around their transaction.  I thought it odd and took note but figured it was a fluke.  I didn't remember the past, only recent past.  Then today it hit me hard.  I remember the past, I remember it all, I remember who I was (or wasn't) and what I did, places I went.  I remembered people, I remembered emotions, I remembered it all.  And I remembered you.  Clearer than before and I remembered my love for you.  The only thing pure and genuine in me during that time I do believe.  That's the pain I am feeling. I remember my grandparents, the trip to the hospital when my grandmother died, I remember the funerals and I remember my school not believing me because their deaths were so close together.  The bastards wanted obituaries.  I remember it all.  I remember going to the bar and drinking it all away, I remember driving down the road and the blue lights, I remember the cell, I remember it was right before Easter.  I remember it all and it hurts.  I also remember good things. I remember how you liked me to call you and I rode my motorcycle to the top of a hill near my family farm just so I could get a chance to talk to you on the phone.  I miss your voice and how kind you were.  I miss your humor I miss your smile, I miss your words I miss it all.  This is my pain today but it's a good pain because tonight I remember and I had something that few ever will have even if I did squander it like a drunken fool. Did I learn my lesson? You bet.  But you are irreplaceable.  The only thing I can do is teach my children better than I have lived and hope they don't have to find out for themselves and feel the pain that I am basking in tonight. 

Sorrow fills my heart

Wow! I never expected this...even if I did I didn't expect it to be THIS level of sorrow.  I am trying to understand my feelings and thoughts...I am so overwhelmed.  Furthermore I have learned I write when I'm sad or upset, I don't feel a need or desire to write when I am doing OK.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and I have been feeling better but today is just too much!  Why? Well, I went back.  "I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved" That is for you Princess Bride fans out there.  So I am back in the town I lived in when I met you.  I drove past the house I lived in.  I remember laying on the bed and crying after I was a douche and got a DUI and broke your heart because I was out of control with my drinking.  I drove past places and they cut me to the heart.  I remembered parties and being drunk in countless places.  I remembered the path I started down and I remembered you, how you turned me around before I brought about my own complete destruction.  Or did you? Maybe my complete destruction was you leaving me.  After all, I am still lamenting the loss of you sorely.  This is pain I haven't felt in so long.  This time is different though and thank God for that! This time I'm not drinking it off, this time I'm not friending it off, this time I'm not porning it off, this time I'm not riding it off. This time I am thinking it out, understanding, emoting.  This time I'm feeling the pain and what comes with it.  This time I'm working thru it.  I drove past the shop my friend worked at and he died.  I didn't keep driving this time, I stopped in the feel the vacancy he left.  I went to the mound I used to sit on drunk and enjoy the magic of the city, I went there sober and the magic was gone.  I went past the places we had met and conversed and I thought of you and how we were and how we will never be.  You loved me when I hated me, you made me who I am today.  You ran the right way and I followed you.  I but now you elude me, you want nothing to do with me but that's OK I guess, it's your preference and nothing more I can do.  Now I simply write to your spirit, the essence of that which you are. Hoping, praying someday you forgive me and find me again.

No title

Hollow and empty is my soul today, Tired of fighting, tired in every way.  Why is it so hard to get along, is it not easier than fighting?  I can't believe the petty things that we fight over, I try not to but you make them into something much larger than it is.  Maybe it is much larger than I know.  Maybe there's something I'm missing that's begun to grow.  Maybe you're hiding something, maybe you don't love me, maybe you're hiding your feelings or maybe you're just that crazy bitch that my gut says that you are.  Maybe I need to leave before I get another scar.  Sick of this life, sick of being empty, sick of being so full of love with no one to accept it. 

It's easier to sell things you have

An epiphany, that is rather stupid, but true, it's it's easier to sell things that you have.  I had a few items that we hadn't normally stocked I started carrying because I had enough requests for them.  It's interesting because we sell them since we stock them.  When we special ordered them often times they would go bad or never get picked up and have to sent back.  If we have the item WHEN the patient wants it, they will buy it.  This all goes to say that you need to have what you're selling in life.  If you sell yourself as a good successful person no one wants to wait for you to stop being a douche and become one.  That is in essence what I did previously in my life.  I was a good person and on the right track but rapidly losing my way, when I became friend with the woman I love, and sold myself as what I had been, and what I now have become, but at that time what I was not.  She didn't want to wait for a special order man she wanted a real legit man that was a good successful man at that time, not in 3 years.  Well three years later, here I am, sorry as hell. 

Jedi Mind Tricks

I have many conversations on the phone every day.  One thing I have quickly learned is how to take control of the conversation and it's quite funny.  When I'm transcribing orders nurses just like to blurt everything out fast as they can so I always ask them questions in order I want the information and when I'm asking questions it gives me time to write.  The funniest thing though, and this goes back to my "parrot talk" blog article a while back, is that people almost always say the same thing you say in either greeting or closure.  I swear I could say "fuck you, enjoy your day" and they would reply the same thing.  No matter what I say, or how I change my phrase of closure they almost inevitably repeat it back.  It kinda reminds me of the Jedi mind tricks that Obi-Wan would do on Star Wars. I can say what I want them to say and the just repeat it back.  It's so funny. 

History Repeats

History repeats itself, or so I have been told.  I have many of the same genetic propensities and proplexities that my mothers family had.  I will be point blank with you about some things now.  My grandfather's father killed himself when my grandfather was just young.  It really left a mark on my grandfather in how he deals with reality and death. The irony is, it was always said that his father was driven crazy by his mother and he just couldn't deal with her anymore.  From what I know this is pretty accurate.  The part where history comes in, is sometimes I have a hard time dealing with my wife and my life...actually just my wife.  Life isn't bad at all she just makes me crazy with her nagging and bitching constantly day in and day out and her dissatisfaction even when I go above and beyond what anyone in her life has ever done for her.  Some days I think I want to just end it all.  The good news is, I am a student of history to some extent.  I see the scars that this fate left on my grandfather, I know these would be the scars my son would wear for the rest of his life.  I have determined that if it ever gets so serious I feel I need to take my life to get relief from the life I live I will show her the door.  Take the time to know your family, genetics are very strong and situations are not always so different over the ages know what problems may arise and how you will handle them to correct history and maybe make something a little better for your family in the future. I always say, history repeats herself- because no one listened. 

The death of an asshole

One of my very first times working the job I have now I had a very angry and rude patient yell and threaten me while pointing his finger in my face.  He was such an asshole I couldn't stand it but I apologized for nothing I did wrong.  It was infact, his mistake, but I took the blame.  He was the first, and one of the only patients that I have ever thought "I can't wait til this asshole dies and I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore".  That's a horrible thing to say but he really made me that mad.  Well, that was a little over a year ago, and today, he died.  Yes, and asshole died today, but it was not the asshole you think I'm talking about.  It's me.  You see, over the course of the year I learned that he was angry and upset because he didn't understand things.  People didn't explain them in ways he could understand them, he didn't read well, he didn't do math well, he never finished highschool.  He actually became one of my patients that would only talk to me about things because he trusted me and I explained things in ways he could understand them.  When I heard the news today I was devastated because he and I had developed a close patient/provider relationship and I had grown to like him.  Then the words that I muttered under my breath came back to me.  It stung because I meant them then, but I wish I could take them back now.  No one else knows what I said to myself or thought, but I knew.  It pained me I ever had felt that way towards my patient no mater how rude or mean he was to me.  I have learned over the years that often times rudeness is a cover up.  It's to protect those people from hurt because they are vulnerable in one way or another. Today an asshole died, it was not a patient but me.  I put to death the asshole that would ever think something so mean about another human. I put him to death and I won't miss him.  RIP RLS.

Now I remember!

Now I remember why I don't care!  I was off work today and didn't go anywhere so I thought ya know what, I'm cooking dinner and doing all the dishes.  She will be happy and it will be cool.  WRONG.  I cooked a descent meal.  I made a pot roast with veggies.  I baked biscuits and made creme brulee.  I washed all my dishes from cooking, made fresh coffee and washed all the dishes after dinner.  The only difference was when she was a bitch towards me she would apologize.  So I would endure an hour of bitchy, then hug and apologize, then bitch, then apologize.  I remember though, I remember how hard I used to try to make her happy, this was a solid reminder of those days.  I will be truthful, these days I don't try to make her happy and this is why.  You can work really hard and get the same freakin results as doing nothing or doing whatever you wanted all day.  You cannot serve her and get the satisfaction of making someone happy or feel special.  She's a complicated individual.  Father God in heaven I wish I could have someone that appreciated my efforts!! Please!

Snowed

It's been a few days since I have had a chance to write.  Seems that being snowed in with the wife prevents me from having any time to myself for therapeutic writing. Speaking of snowed, isn't it so neat? Your yard can look like shit but a foot of snow makes it look perfect! You can even have stuff under the snow like bicycles and lumber and it looks fine.  It reminds me of Jesus.  He hides all the shit inside us from God so we can be together.  But that doesn't mean we don't have to clean the yard still.

If I had...

If I had the money I have today, but had it yesterday, when I did not have the brains or wisdom that I have today, then would I have made it until tomorrow?  Hell no. 

I wish I had the strength of yesterday and the knowledge of today, the money of today and I wish it would all last until tomorrow.

Instead I have weakness today, and money, and wisdom and knowledge, but not the health to enjoy.

I used to have health a plenty and money sparse and not have an once of sense to me.  

Sick of the waiting

Tired of the yelling, tired of the hating
Sick of the bullshit and sick of the waiting

I long for the day that I will be free
Free from her so that I can be me

Tired of accusations, tired of poor relations
Ready for change and ready for elations

I know I will some day soar, yes fly
Free from this woman, free to be a guy

A guy that lives, a guy that loves
A guy that is strong and rises above

Above the abuse, above the pain
Above the scars and above the disdain

Disdain for life, disdain for you
Disdain for trying things anew

Why can't we just get along

Today has been a rough day.  I've been sick for days and I'm so wore out.  It was my scheduled day off so I ran errands.  I met my wife and kids for dinner, my wife and I had our usual spat of something incredulously stupid.  I determined tonight she is like her mother and yells or speaks in an exasperated tone almost all the time.  I am not sure of they are constantly exasperated or not, but they always sound that way.  So generally when I respond I tend to be a bit short/exasperated back because I feel her tone is not warranted.  I know I should do better and I'm going to try to do better and not argue as much with her and try to be calmer but I have done that for years and it's not had great results either. I just need out!  The worst of it all, is she thinks our relationship is OK.  It's not great but she think it's stable.  Stable my ass!  I need mental rest from her.  I need to get some of my debts paid down so I can find her a house ASAP. 

Someone more good than I

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with one of my friends about their aunt who had adopted a boy from another country.  The boy ended up having health problems and for a while they weren't sure they were going to make it.  Well, this same aunt is looking to adopt another child from another foreign country.  This child has some serious known health problems.  I thought to myself "what a martyr, they are doing this just to ease their conscience" but you know what dawned on me today as I thought about all this?  Maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there in the world that is genuinely more good than I am.  It's interesting to me, yet not entirely surprising, that I am so egocentric and think so highly of myself that I can't imagine there are people that good in this world.  I can understand adopting a child from another place but logically I don't understand why you would adopt one with known health issues.  But "logically" is the problem, this is a matter of their hearts and sometimes I frankly don't have much of one.  I am pretty jaded sometimes.  I do have a heart, but sick children I guess is not my calling.  The elderly, ignorant, disabled and underprivileged are more of my calling.  Just because I don't understand someone else's calling though doesn't make it any less good, genuine or important.  Because I don't understand what the other hand of the body of Christ is doing, I don't simply cut it off or mutilate it or run it down.  I am not to judge and my conscience has convicted me that I was judging and this is not my place.  I respect them and their calling, I hope that my eyes have been opened to my hypocrisy and that I become a better man for it. 

JAM

If you were still talking to me....yeah, that's you there JAM....tonight we would talk about a band I'm totally trippin on.  Their name is Moscow Radio and they rock my socks.  They are an old school kinda band, they have that rockin 70's psychedelica sound.  You'd love them I'm sure. 

Make your name matter

In recent events we lost a pet and my wife posted an unreasonably large reward on social media.  She does not have the money to pay the reward were someone to produce the pet.  The options are: I would have to pay it and skip paying some bills and really stretch the budget OR she would have to make minuscule payments for a very long time OR she would have to sacrifice her reputation and say "JK thanks for finding our pet!".  I can promise you I'm not paying it because I did not promise it and I will not sacrifice my family's financial security for a poor decision on my wife's part.  If I were willing to do that I'd let her control the money.  We see where that got us before...  So all that to say, what about your name?  Are you the kind of person that when you say "if you find my pet I'll give you a thousand bucks" and people listen and expect that to happen or are you the flake that people think ohh here he/she goes again.  Make your name matter, protect your reputation, when your heart makes a decision, confer with your brain before acting.  You were give a heart and a brain for a reason.  They are to work in concert with one another, neither is to be ignored.  Be a person of integrity.  God knows the world needs more of them. 

The Comfort in Discord

I was discussing a TV show tonight with my wife that I quit watching.  I quit watching because every episode has a nerve wracking argument in it.  It really bothers me, perhaps I'm sensitive to it because I have never had this in my life.  We have always tried to be civil in my family and I don't welcome argument.  My wife's family has always yelled and argued about everything.  I told my wife I can't stand to watch the show because of the arguing.  My wife said she's just happy someone made a show she can connect with that's not extremely sad. Well I find it extremely sad people connect with such a dysfunctional and discordant show.  Yikes! 

Soulless

Something I want, I really desperately want as freaking stupid as it sounds is this: Someone that loves music and shares some musical taste in common with me.  Growing up I never realized how much music was a part of my family.  We could never play shit, since then that has changed for some of us (not so much me!) but we listened to alot of music together and enjoyed concerts together.  Now I go up to visit mom and dad and watch concerts with them on youtube via big screen and it's great.  My wife makes me plug into my headphones because she doesn't like my music and prefers to watch TV.  TV does not touch my soul...but then again, maybe that's all I want in a partner a friend.  Someone with a soul. 

Late for the Sky

Blessings can curse

I have a good sense of smell.  I don't particularly care for it some days.  This past week I had a patient that I was giving a shot and he smelled BAD.  Today I had a patient that reeked of pot.  As I sit here and share a living room with my wife I can smell the strong odor of alcohol.  All these are smells that bother me.  I thought to myself: self, my sense of smell is no blessing at all.  Then I quickly recanted.  I thought how bad I hate it when I am stuffy and then I thought of the good smells that I love. Some days our blessings are also our curses.  Some days it's a curse to be intelligent and I wish I could just go thru life ignorant and oblivious.  Other days I am thankful for my enlightenment.  Take the good with the bad and enjoy what you've been given despite it's draw backs, this is what I have learned today. 

Servants Hands

Thanks for stopping in! See you next time you need me! Seriously.  The only time I see my mother-in-law is when she wants something.  Today she came to visit my wife so I could change her brakes.  Did she thank me?  Nope.  She did ask me the check the antifreeze while I was at it. Ha!  Seriously though, I don't mind helping people.  It would have been nice to have been asked or given the opportunity to help. That is one of my biggest peves about asking someone to do something.  I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for help, but I do think you should hint a little or mention it to give someone the opportunity to decide to help you before you ask.  An example of this would be my uncle who says "I'm going to work up some fire wood this weekend".  Well, in my heart I know he's not well enough to work up so I feel compelled in my heart to help him.  So I offer my help and he accepts.  My mother-in-law shows up with the parts and says "I need you to fix my brakes".  All self sacrifice has been removed for me.  The only thing I can do at this point is do it or refuse.  Had I been given the opportunity to feel that I had a choice in the matter, I would have felt good about what I did rather than annoyed.  But I am annoyed because although I did all the work and it was all the same it was out of obligation and not love.  Give people the opportunity to serve.  Maybe they have a servants heart and you just don't know it.  You can learn quite a bit about people if you sit back and observe a little. 

The Beginning is Near

Mine

When evening falls and darkness is on the horizon
When the canvas is dropped and the stars brighten

When the moon hangs low and looks as a crescent
When my heart has a longing that is incessant

I think of the thing that we had 
I think of how I miss you so bad

I think of the ways I screwed up
I wish you knew twasn't my cup

I acted out of and I acted wrong
I hurt you when I wasn't strong 

Please look my way just one more time
Give me one last chance to make you mine

Sick of being sick

My goodness I'm sick of being sick!  My cohabitator gave me mono this summer and it's been kicking my ass ever since.  I got over it initially but I have had two flareups since getting it and this is one of them.  It's rough.  It's hard to not be mad at her either since she got it "sharing a cigarette" with a friend.  She has horrible health/hygiene habits and it's frustrating because I end up with her problems because of nothing I do beyond kissing my wife.  Well she can kiss my ass.  I'm sick of being sick. 

I am thankful I am thankful

In my endevor to become more thankful, last night I tried to think of things I was thankful for about my wife and there was really nothing I could come up with which is sad.  Some of it could have been my mood because she had done a few things yesterday that disheartened me but this morning I was able to pick out two characteristics of our relationship I was thankful for. 
The characteristics of my wife that I am thankful for today are 1) her humor.  she does have a good sense of humor when she's in the mood for it...or rather, she has MY sense of humor.  She gets my quirky jokes and can laugh about the same things.  That's a good connection we have when the moons align and I really am thankful for that.  That's one of the things that attracted me to her in the beginning.  2) She was doing a good job helping our son with his homework this morning.  She's horrible at helping him with his math but today it was his geography and she did a good job.  She's not always patient, but today she was patient with him.  So I am thankful that I was able to be thankful because when I went to bed I sure didn't feel like there was much to be thankful for in my relationship.  I'll keep my eyes open for other instances! 

Hidden

What is it I hold, what is it I got
From a the time that we were together
Til the that time we were not
It is small, it is simple and only time can take
It is something special I hold dear
It is something so real something not fake
What is it I hold, what is it I got
It is in my mind oh so fresh
It is hidden away in that secret spot
It is my memories of you
It is the thoughts that we shared
It is adoration that is ever new
No one will know
No one will see
Love that did grow
My love for thee

Did I mention

Did I mention I'm going to go see a coupe of these dudes this spring? 

The Child in our Minds

Anomaly

Generally speaking I try to keep a fairly intellectual, honest and original blog filled with my own thoughts and things I find interesting.  I stumbled on this quote though and it was too funny and true not to reshare.

Give me hope

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise we'll be alright

But hold me still, bury my heart on the coals
And hold me still, bury my heart next to YOURS

No thanks

I was reading an interesting though recently.  The premise of it was this: negative, entitled, sour people are not thankful, conversely, joyful/happy people are thankful.  Thankfulness is the crux of being joyful.  This makes sense to me.  I am not a extremely negative person in most respects (I am in some I know), but I try to see the positive. One of my co-workers is always complaining of his job and isn't happy in it.  We have very similar jobs and work for the same guy.  I on the other hand had some rough experiences working for bigger corporations and I am very thankful for my job.  I thank my boss (and God) still (even though it's been over a year I've been with him).  This job has been has been a huge blessing to me and exceeded my expectations in so many ways.  I am happy to be at work and do what I do and work for who I work for.  The only thing that is different from me and my friend is that I am thankful because of where I have been and what I have experienced.  He is not thankful, and from it he feels bitter towards our Boss.  This is one simple example, but it's a real life lesson for me because I understand this on a personal level it helps me to see it's value on a greater plane.  I have made it my goal to try to think of one thing a day I am thankful for, however simple it may be, and try to thank those involved and thank God.  I hope that I in-turn will become more joyful.  Maybe even I can be as brave as to try to incorporate this into my marriage.  As hard as I have it, or think that I have it, there are still things I am thankful for in my marriage and I need to try to express that and hopefully that will help me have more joy there as well.  

Help

Do you remember when people helped each other?  Some areas/cultures it was longer ago than others. For me, being from a rural area it wasn't all that long ago.  Yesterday after work my truck wouldn't start.  I cranked on it for over half an hour before it would start (damned diesels).  People walked right by me.  A car pulled in, parked to text and such for a while as I cranked.  People came and went to the gas station.  No one ever even came over to offer help.  Finally one of my employee's husbands showed up in response to my plea for help text.  We got it running and everything which was good, but it was a very very discouraging moment.  The people in the community just ignored someone who needed help.  I don't know how many times I've gone and OFFERED help (no one had to ask).  Furthermore, literally half of the town knows me personally because of my job and I have done favors on my own time for many of them.  I know I have too high of expectations of people in general.  I admit that's a problem.  None-the-less in a small community I would think that people would be willing to help, not even a stranger, but a person they all know.  Shame on you small town I work in! 

Now, for those of you with generous hearts that may read this, take it with a grain of salt.  Some of us are overly kind hearted and will help strangers.  Beware of who you help and when.  Times are indeed changing and I have known people to get hurt or robbed while trying to help strangers and passers thru in our area and others.  But if you KNOW the person, for goodness sake help them!  

Being a better driver...

My son was intently playing his driving simulator on his tablet today for quite some time. My daughter asked what he was doing.  He said he was practicing driving so when he really starts driving he won't be as bad of a driver as his mom! BAHAHAHAH  Even the 9 year old realizes she sucks at driving!  Priceless. 

Naivety

I have a peculiar naivety about me for being the skeptical realist I am.  Perhaps that indicates I'm not as much of a skeptic nor a realist as I perceive myself to be.  That's really not the topic I want to discuss though.  I don't understand how the same old shit can happen and I still get blindsided.  I would guess that's how I survive.  I forget that just yesterday she was a bitch to everyone, wake up, hope it's going to be a new day.  Once in a while she throws me a bone and we have a descent day as a family.  She's been a crank for the last few days but nothing drastic or hurtful.  This morning I was reminded why I don't leave and why I can't leave.  Our daughter started to do something her mother asked her not to do, then when questioned she tried to defend what she was doing and my wife went into retard mode.  She started yelling, telling my daughter she can't stand to ever be around her.  I stopped her before she could say anything else hurtful.  It made her mad at me but I don't give a damn, that's my job.  I will defend these kids from her painful darts til my dying breath.  It was a good reminder that I am still needed here.  I wish my wife were able to see and hear the hurtful things she says for what they are.  I don't understand them either.  What mother says that to her daughter?  Her own flesh and blood?  What the hell would she have said if I hadn't stopped her?  What's the long term effects of this on my kids?  The only good part of it all, I suppose, is she can be fun and good to the kids from time to time and the kids know she's crazy, they just don't know how crazy.  So I feel if I can play damage control and keep her from saying horrible things the kids might grow up to be pretty functional.  I have also noticed she favors our son.  Maybe she doesn't.  Maybe he's just easier to get along with.  That is possible....my daughter is more like my wife.  She is confrontational and belligerent and does what she pleases.  She says far more hurtful things to my daughter than to my son.  Maybe she brings it on herself to some extent, but NO CHILD deserves to hear the things my wife espouses whens he's angry.  No husband deserves it either, but I choose it.  I choose it for my children. 

No power! Oh no!

Oh no! The power was out when we woke up today.  It wasn't too bad though. It was nice to spend time talking instead of everyone being absorbed in their tech gadget. I got up and started a fire, we made coffee and cooked some breakfast and sat around visiting like a normal family.  Then I went and split wood, my boy carried it in, my daughter worked on dishes and my wife...well...we sent her off to the store!  It wasn't 30 minutes in and she started being a cunt and telling people she couldn't stand them and no one does what they are supposed too etc etc etc.  So I told her we needed stuff from town, really we just needed the peace and we needed her to go get high.  She came back with everything she was supposed too....reeeeeeking of weed but a much more tolerable person.  I think the weed is making her more angry/irritable though.  When she's not high she's very upset.  Then she goes and gets high and comes back and is OK for a little while.  Then back to the same old same old. Regardless of my wife, it was not a bad day.   I think that we will start doing a weekendly wifi-free time to work as a family and talk as a family.  This was the most I have seen my daughters eyes in a long time because her face is always buried in a phone.  

Preachah Man Asshole

I used to be a preacher man asshole. Tonight reminded me of that. I have always been pretty convicted of what I believed but until I was in my 20's I never really had any trials or hard times...from there it all went to hell, but that is neither here nor there for this blog entry. What is, however, is the fact that I can recall telling people that felt alone and empty that they just needed to basically get their shit together and fill themselves with God.  I know this is actually true, but it was very naive of me to think it was that easy.  I'd never felt the emptiness or loneliness that someone feels that is isolated from friends and in a relationship that is hollow and meaningless.  I'd never been there.  I had always been surrounded by people that were there for me.  They were all really pretty good friends.  As time went on some moved away, some lost touch, some I excised due to my solitary nature, others did me wrong and so it went until I find myself with very few friends and even fewer that I trust with the secretes of my heart.  I have achieved the loneliness and emptiness I had never had.  I have tried to fill that void with illicit friendships in the past, with alcohol, with money, with new people but the fact is, no one can fill this emptiness but God.  He is the friend that will never leave or betray me. At least I make that realization, but now I am on my personal quest to make that real. It's one thing to know it and say it, but it's something entirely different to live it and feel it.  In time, though, I am confident that I will get the peace that passes understanding from God himself.  I just need to keep things moving the right direction and not become self destructive when I am challenged with trials in my life.  

Gen 3

I've been trying to spend more time reading my Bible.  I am a Christian, I try to live it, the last few years have really done a number on me.  To try to get my clarity of mind and spirit back I have been reading my Bible more.  I started trying to read thru the whole Bible in a year, but that was annoying.  You had to read so much in a day and I have very limited time with work and family...then I realize it's not how fast you read it, or the fact you read all the words in a year or anything like that it's that you read it and understand it and understand it's influence on your life.  So I have slowed down and started studying a chapter a night or as time permits.  I try not to exhaust myself but stay interested and understand the point.  Tonight I was reading Genesis Ch 3. I read it lastnight too but there was too much I didn't get answered so I reread it tonight.  This is a crucial chapter in understanding relationships!  The struggle between man and woman started here. Part of the curse that God placed on man for Adam and Eve's disobedience was that woman would desire to have control over her husband but her husband would rule over her and intern man would want to dominate his wife that is constantly trying to get the upper hand on him.  I think that men and woman suffer from this curse to varying degrees or maybe it's just their personalities.  My wife wants desperately to control me and she knows it finally. She used to deny it but now she at least will admit it.  I'm not perfect, but it's not really been a struggle for me to want to lord over my wife.  That said, I will concede that I do not like to be told what to do, be it from my wife or from anyone.  I'm not sure if that is part of the curse or not.  It is fascinating, however, that these struggles between man and woman are a result of the sin committed in the Garden of Eden.  This is a Biblical struggle that has been going on for ages.