Memory lane

Oh crap! I put my finger on it while I was out driving.  I went for a drive because that's what I used to do to clear my head before I took up some other worse pass-times to get things out of my mind.  This is it.  My memory.  My memory is back.  It's weird. I am certain of it and I'm afraid what it will bring.  Somewhere in the midst of all my bullshit I went thru and the bullshit I made for myself I stopped remembering.  I have always had an exceptional memory up to the time I moved out and my grandparents died I got a DUI and you left me.  When all that shit hit the fan I lost that ability to remember and to feel.  This year I started to feel again because I finally, after three years bucked up and started working thru my problems and feelings revolving around all that. Two day ago at work was the first day I noticed it was back.  I remembered names of patients and what drug they got and what the situation was around their transaction.  I thought it odd and took note but figured it was a fluke.  I didn't remember the past, only recent past.  Then today it hit me hard.  I remember the past, I remember it all, I remember who I was (or wasn't) and what I did, places I went.  I remembered people, I remembered emotions, I remembered it all.  And I remembered you.  Clearer than before and I remembered my love for you.  The only thing pure and genuine in me during that time I do believe.  That's the pain I am feeling. I remember my grandparents, the trip to the hospital when my grandmother died, I remember the funerals and I remember my school not believing me because their deaths were so close together.  The bastards wanted obituaries.  I remember it all.  I remember going to the bar and drinking it all away, I remember driving down the road and the blue lights, I remember the cell, I remember it was right before Easter.  I remember it all and it hurts.  I also remember good things. I remember how you liked me to call you and I rode my motorcycle to the top of a hill near my family farm just so I could get a chance to talk to you on the phone.  I miss your voice and how kind you were.  I miss your humor I miss your smile, I miss your words I miss it all.  This is my pain today but it's a good pain because tonight I remember and I had something that few ever will have even if I did squander it like a drunken fool. Did I learn my lesson? You bet.  But you are irreplaceable.  The only thing I can do is teach my children better than I have lived and hope they don't have to find out for themselves and feel the pain that I am basking in tonight.