It's the thought that counts

It's been several years since I quietly made a promise to myself.  I don't generally make promises to myself.  Promises are hard to keep sometimes and I don't take lightly when I break a promise.  Matter of fact, I generally use terms that get me accused of being "vague" or "non-committal".  But this is just it, I don't want to make a promise or commitment I can't keep.  Plain and simple. I suppose it's my up bringing.  My dad always said "I have worked hard to take care of our family name son so that you could have a name you're proud of, when you tell someone you will do something, they know it will be done.  That said, it's now your job to take care of our name, so your son will have the benefit growing up that you had." So being a man of my word has definitely been ingrained in me since I was young.

So what is my promise you ask? I promised myself I would stay with my wife until my kids were grown.  This has been a very tough promise to keep.  Matter of fact more than once I was on the brink of failure.  I have moved out a few times.  It was more than I could handle at times to go to school and try to succeed and put up with her incessant need for adversity. In the end, I was able to pull it together and maintain my promise to myself.
But does it matter? I mean after all isn't it the thought that counts? My thoughts are set on the day my son is grown and I will be free from being ridiculed and put down daily. So my thoughts betray my promise because my actions are in-congruent with my thoughts. I argue though, that despite knowing mentally that it's already over.  I have been violated too many times. I stick it out, not for myself, but for my kids.  I have had to stand up to their mother before to protect them from verbal abuse and physical abuse on more than one occasion.  I have had to protect them from drunken words that hurt and pushes and slaps that were undeserved.  I have had to get in her face and tell her that NO ONE talks to my daughter that way, not even her mother.
Is my promise really discordant with my actions though?  Who does my actions betray?  My promise is that for my children, I will stay with their mother. To protect them and see they are cared for and not neglected.  To ensure they go to school, get an education and become the best that they can be. My promise isn't to love their mother and stay with her because I love her. So even though my actions are to get along with my wife, it's to my children my commitment lies.  With which my actions are in alignment because I suffer for them every day I wake up beside the person who makes my life and theirs hell.  So for now, I remain a man of my word.  Even though I have come close to breaking it several times, in my new found occupational stability I think I can make it until my kids are grown.  That is my goal and that is my promise to myself and my children with you as my witness.