It's coming...wait for it....

Wait for it....wait for it.... I am starting to feel a little bit like spring inside me.  It's been winter in my heart for years.  Yes, I do mean years.  I'm working very hard at getting it together in my mind and my spirit.  I am seeing overflows of wisdom, I see fortitude returning to me, I am beginning to see evidences of integrity.   I want to do things to get my body in shape to feel better physically.  I am not there yet, I do not have the strong spirit I used to have but I felt that spirit stir inside me today.   Most importantly this stirring was not motivated by an external source.  It was not from love, it was not from inspiration, it was not from newness or desire to be liked it was from within me.  The desire in me to be me.  To be who I am, to rebuild and to be strong again.  The desire to stand up when the world around me falls.  It crushes me to see the life I have lived for so long.  I have merely existed to get thru my marriage and school.  I didn't see the toll it was taking until I am able to be well enough and strong enough to look over my shoulder.  It sickens me but I am still not strong enough to pick up all the pieces and put it back together again.  Not yet.  But I will be.  It will take some time but I will be the man I was again and so much more.  My road I have traveled has given me the wisdom I so foolishly asked for years ago. I have seen myself broken and worthless but still a recipient of the love and mercies of God when I did not at all deserve it.  It is experiencing this grace and mercy from God that saves me from my self destruction.  He has put me in a place in my life where I can feel my worth even when I was worthless to almost anyone else.  Furthermore a sign that my mind/spirit is healing, I wrote a short creative piece yesterday.  It did not come as freely as my creative writings used to but it was there.  I have not been able to think creatively for years as well so this is progress.  I feel like I can see the smallest sprouts popping up from the ground and it makes me happy.  I'm on my way there.  It will take time, it will take work and it will take discipline but I feel it in my bones, this is the year.