Open Letter

An open letter to my love.

-JAM- 

I miss you a lot.  I know I hurt you. You don't think I was who I should have been.  You were right about that.  I have reasons why I did what I did, but they are nothing more than excuses, piss poor reasons for piss poor decisions that I knew better than to make.  I almost threw my life away.  I take responsibility for my bad choices and I take responsibility for you not wanting anything to do with me.  Some people, when they are ignored or run from, will lash out and say mean things but I will never say a word against you.  You were the love of my life.  I put no blame on you.  I have waited for a long time to talk to you again.  Years. Literally years.  A lot has changed in my life.  I stepped up to the giants in my life and succeeded.  I have a pretty descent life now and I owe much of it to you for giving up on me.  I know that sounds odd, but had you been beside me and supported me in my bad decisions, it would have only encouraged it.  Instead you told me I was not at all what you'd hoped and left.  The pain, the shock, the hurt, and most importantly the realization, caused me to see myself for who I was and where my life was going.  You'd taught me so much and I love the time we shared.  I miss talking, I miss your voice, I miss the thought provoking conversations.  I miss loving you before I knew you were beautiful.  Do you remember that?  You wouldn't send me a picture of you because you wanted to be loved for who you are, not what you looked like. I miss loving you.  I have never stopped, but it just feels weird because there is no where to direct my love.  I guess that's why I write this blog...to send my love and feelings and thoughts out to the nebulous of the internet and hope the universe brings you my way once again by Gods will.  I will wait patiently. I will live patiently. I will die patiently.  If you ever come around, I will be here. If you do not, know that you have always been the love of my life and you always will be.