The death of an asshole

One of my very first times working the job I have now I had a very angry and rude patient yell and threaten me while pointing his finger in my face.  He was such an asshole I couldn't stand it but I apologized for nothing I did wrong.  It was infact, his mistake, but I took the blame.  He was the first, and one of the only patients that I have ever thought "I can't wait til this asshole dies and I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore".  That's a horrible thing to say but he really made me that mad.  Well, that was a little over a year ago, and today, he died.  Yes, and asshole died today, but it was not the asshole you think I'm talking about.  It's me.  You see, over the course of the year I learned that he was angry and upset because he didn't understand things.  People didn't explain them in ways he could understand them, he didn't read well, he didn't do math well, he never finished highschool.  He actually became one of my patients that would only talk to me about things because he trusted me and I explained things in ways he could understand them.  When I heard the news today I was devastated because he and I had developed a close patient/provider relationship and I had grown to like him.  Then the words that I muttered under my breath came back to me.  It stung because I meant them then, but I wish I could take them back now.  No one else knows what I said to myself or thought, but I knew.  It pained me I ever had felt that way towards my patient no mater how rude or mean he was to me.  I have learned over the years that often times rudeness is a cover up.  It's to protect those people from hurt because they are vulnerable in one way or another. Today an asshole died, it was not a patient but me.  I put to death the asshole that would ever think something so mean about another human. I put him to death and I won't miss him.  RIP RLS.