Ten Year Gone

So last night was a horrible throw back to the very beginning of my marriage.  This is one of the biggest struggles I have had with my wife:  I cannot have a conversation with her.  Before I can finish a story she erupts into being mad at me about something absurd.  Last night I started a story about something I saw on instagram.  I didn't even get to tell my story, as soon as I said "instagram" it was on.  She was angry I was following people that I don't know.  I follow people that have similar interests even people from other cultures and it's interesting because I get to see alot of different things.  Well some dickwad posted a bunch of pics of a chick in a bathing suite.  I never noticed them or I'd have unfollowed him.  Apparently my wife was on my instagram looking for something to be mad about and found this.  So naturally I was given her typical infidelity accusations etc etc.  It's sooo fucking old.  I have been dealing with these for 10 years now and I have not done anything deserving of this.  The accusations don't even make me as sad as not being able to have a conversation.  I really want to come home and talk to someone about my life, my day, things I see, things I think.  Instead I just write.  I write to the nebulous internet.  To the spirit of my lover and friend.  I write pretending someone cares.  It's depressing as hell though, I was feeling so good the last week and now I am hit with this.  It's depressing because 10 years has gone since I married her and it's the same old bullshit.  This is the stuff that started my downward spiral years ago and I am climbing back out of my hole and I realize nothing is the same.  I know it sounds obvious it's time to let her go and terminate the relationship but I cannot do that for my children's sake.  The irony is she thinks we are at a good place in our relationship. Well, she may be....I'm sure not.  I'm at a good place with every thing else in my life and getting better, but not my marriage.  

This however is the good news: I didn't over react or act out of character.  The former me, the me I have struggled with would act out of character from being pissed about the accusations.  I would have followed a bunch of hoes and said "fuck you" in a passive aggressive sort of way. On my way to work I was so angry at her for the way she treats me and I considered doing that even though that's NOT me and I said "hell no".  Why do something out of character for you because you're mad?  That's what causes problems and that's what has broken my life before.  I will not let it break me again and I will not let my negative feelings cause me to do things out of retaliation or feeling justified to do wrong because I pay the hell for it regardless. I will be me, no matter who is here and I will be me no matter what my wife likes or what you like. That, my friends, is the good news.