Finding yourself (2 of 3)

This thought will be is conjunction with the previous blog and the next one to come so it fits nicely in the middle.  
So here's some observations I have made about finding yourself.  Particularly finding yourself to be something other than yourself.  What I mean is, have you ever done things that weren't "you".  You know, things that violate your moral/ethical standards or just things that are out of character for you.  I definitely have. Matter of fact I have on a relatively regular basis for the last four or five years to be truthful.  So just recently I realized that the things I am doing are not congruent with who I am and I sought to define myself better OR change what I was doing and correct course so to speak.  It is important to be yourself both in essence and action because it confuses those around you as it does yourself.  If you have an ill defined persona/existence then people do not know what to expect.  They don't know what you stand for, why you like/dislike, what you believe and this is frustrating when trying to be involved in a friendship or relationship with someone. The major problem comes when someone who likes/loves you for the essence of yourself rather than the actions or morale of you and vice-versa.  It makes it virtually impossible to have any meaningful and deep long term relationship. 
I was recently reminded of this because of a relationship from the past that I still think about often. I tried to contact that person but was completely shut down.  I have never gotten any closure to our friendship because I did some things that were in-congruent with who she believed me to be and that drove her away.  In all honesty I have not been who she believed me to be for the last few years. What she knew me as is what I was for the prior 27 years.  It is in this moment recently, rereading things she wrote me and evaluating myself I have learned that I was indeed portraying my ethic and morale appropriately but I was not living by what I believed or who I thought I was.  My actions were contradictory to my ethics, beliefs and morale. 
Often times these changes or inconsistencies, I think, are related to traumatic experiences in life.  I am not making excuses for my actions or what I did or didn't do, but I am saying that I think that when someone has behavior that does not line up with what they believe that it is an uncomfortable state for that person too and there is something deeper they are often trying to cover up or make better, they just don't know how.  For me, it was the death of several people in my family, the stress of professional school and a broken home life.  All of which piled on me at once and made my life unmanageable to me.  Furthermore I did not know how to deal with these stresses so I ended up finding out that drinking helped me to ignore them.  For the last three and a half years I have managed to ignore problems in my life.  Subconsciously I knew I was doing things I didn't think were right. I always said to myself in the back of my mind that I would stop and understand it all and learn to emote when I was done with school and able to think introspectively once again. So here we are ladies and gents. Why am I a disembodied soul?  Because I have alienated my soul (ethic/morale) from my persona/actions.  This blog is my attempt to reconnect them and set my life in the direction in which it should go.  Will this mend all my past hurt and wrong doing?  No.  Am I the same person I was 4-5 years ago?  Nope.  But I am trying to unify my spirit with my life so I can sleep at night knowing I am, indeed, who I am.  Are you, who you are?