Sorrow fills my heart

Wow! I never expected this...even if I did I didn't expect it to be THIS level of sorrow.  I am trying to understand my feelings and thoughts...I am so overwhelmed.  Furthermore I have learned I write when I'm sad or upset, I don't feel a need or desire to write when I am doing OK.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and I have been feeling better but today is just too much!  Why? Well, I went back.  "I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved" That is for you Princess Bride fans out there.  So I am back in the town I lived in when I met you.  I drove past the house I lived in.  I remember laying on the bed and crying after I was a douche and got a DUI and broke your heart because I was out of control with my drinking.  I drove past places and they cut me to the heart.  I remembered parties and being drunk in countless places.  I remembered the path I started down and I remembered you, how you turned me around before I brought about my own complete destruction.  Or did you? Maybe my complete destruction was you leaving me.  After all, I am still lamenting the loss of you sorely.  This is pain I haven't felt in so long.  This time is different though and thank God for that! This time I'm not drinking it off, this time I'm not friending it off, this time I'm not porning it off, this time I'm not riding it off. This time I am thinking it out, understanding, emoting.  This time I'm feeling the pain and what comes with it.  This time I'm working thru it.  I drove past the shop my friend worked at and he died.  I didn't keep driving this time, I stopped in the feel the vacancy he left.  I went to the mound I used to sit on drunk and enjoy the magic of the city, I went there sober and the magic was gone.  I went past the places we had met and conversed and I thought of you and how we were and how we will never be.  You loved me when I hated me, you made me who I am today.  You ran the right way and I followed you.  I but now you elude me, you want nothing to do with me but that's OK I guess, it's your preference and nothing more I can do.  Now I simply write to your spirit, the essence of that which you are. Hoping, praying someday you forgive me and find me again.