Discovery

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my life and when I started doing what and what led me down the wrong road and it's sad and I never ever like to cast blame because I make my own decisions, no one else does.  I am ultimately responsible for my decisions.  I knew it was a bad decision when I made it, I did, deep down in my heart.  It all started when I married the woman I married.  I used porn 3 times before I got married, I was very adamant that was unhealthy and inappropriate.  My only exposure to alcohol was from my girlfriend at the time, who later became my wife.  Retrospectively she always encouraged me to drink because it eased her conscience as an alcoholic.  I rarely cursed and would NEVER say the Fbomb.  Matter of fact I wouldn't even say something sucked because I felt it was inappropriate.  Maybe I was sheltered, maybe I was just a good guy.  But my corruption all goes back to one point in time and it has since been a slow downward progression (digression?).  At least until this past year when I looked around and said where the heck am I and who is this loser?  It's me.  So I have spent a significant about of time trying to work thru my emotions that I have put off, ignored, jerked off, drank off, cursed off for so many years.  Matter of fact it's now been over a decade that I have put up with my life the way it is.  The more I learn about myself and my actions, the more I reconnect and rebuild the more I see what needs to change and it's one person that has dragged me down for so long.  I have aloud it is the problem.  It's hard to stand strong against someone like that for long and not compromise yourself, especially if you are a people pleaser like I know that I am.  I know things have to change.