Amazing grace

Everything has its time and season, I know nothing happens without reason 
Leaves have fallen winter will soon be in my heart, but I expected that from the very start
At least I know that spring will be on it's way, in my life it will bloom within my heart to stay
Seasons will in time fully grow, no longer accelerated yes even slow
Though my leaves have fallen to the ground, don't write me off I will still astound

Uh-oh! We have guests!

The funniest thing about folks where I go to church is they can be the rudest, most inconsiderate bunch of assholes sometimes, but when we "have company" they are so attentive and nice.  It really gets under my skin because this is exactly the two faced hypocrisy non-church-goers talk about.  Last Sunday evening we had a guest speaker and it was a perfect example of this.  Everyone sat attentively and quietly, letting him go over and no one left early.  Had our usual minister been speaking people would sigh, fidget, and walk out.  It's frustrating to me because people are so disingenuous. If you're a freaking prick be one, don't act like you're not just because someone new is around.  If it embarrasses you to be a freaking prick, just stop it. God knows who you are inside and he's the only one we have to impress.  If people in our lives don't like us for who they are then they aren't meant to be our friends.  If we are assholes and realize it, but don't change it, it's our own fault that no one likes us.  Be real, be who you are. 

Theif!

Generally I dont steal quote but I thought this one very quoteworthy. "Something magical happens every day. Go and find it." 

Set Sail

Are you ready to set sail, with the wind to our back we cannot fail

Draw up your anchor, We are setting out for that which you hanker

The sail fills with wind, as we head out on our journey with no end

We float on to the horizon, together as time does pass we can grow wizen

We head off of the map, beyond here lies ye dragons of mishap

Together we can beat the odds, we will sail on the sea of life like gods

So don't hesitate to take my hand, let's set off for another land

Did I already say this?

I don't remember if I said this before, but it's worth saying again I suppose since it's on my mind.  Are you satisfied with where you are at in life?  Can you be satisfied?  Sometimes I'm not sure I can be.  I used to think I could be and would be but my whole marriage thing has gone awry so much that I wonder if this is part of my long term dysfunction from it all.  I'm not 100% sure of any of that though.  I will say that I observe many people as they come in an out of my store.  Most the people who live what I consider to be a lower level existence are generally more happy and content.  Is it because they expect nothing more of themselves or is it because they never think beyond the next sensation.  I mean really, I'm not being mean, I'm genuinely curious.  These are often the type of people I have asked what they are thinking about in conversation and they reply that they are thinking about what they will eat, or what they will watch on TV or if they need cigarettes.  I am curious if this is a mindset, or just what satisfaction looks like.  I think it's most likely a mindset.  My parents both seem satisfied in life but they are constantly looking to the next thing.  They are motivated by their thoughts and make ideas into reality.  Maybe it's simply what divides the existers from the movers and shakers. 

These blood red eyes Don't see so good But what's worse is if they could Would I change my ways? Wasted times and broken dreams

Phone etiquette

It's ironic. I recall a few years back, when "PDA's" were big.  Do you remember PDA's?  I still have one!  I need to dig it out for kicks.  Anyhow, I had installed the Bible on it and would use it during church.  I was in a Bible class one night and since mobile technology was in its infancy people were not accustomed to the use of electronics during something as sacred as church.   We were going around the table reading from the Bible and it was my turn and I read from my handy PDA.  The shock was terrific.  What I didn't realize, and one of my dad's friends finally confided in him was he was shocked with how rude I was, he had been around me all my life and thought for me to piddle on an electronic gadget was beyond immature, not at all what he knew and expected from me.  He was so pleasantly shocked when I began to read from it, and he realized my "piddling" had actually been reading and following along.  The sheer irony of this is now that electronics are so prevalent and I have since installed the Bible on his wifes phone.  But the funny thing is, during Bible class she and others are piddling on their devices!  This is astounding to me because I am very regimented in my device use and I have places I very clearly will refuse to check and respond to texts unless they are emergently related to my business.   Church/Bible class is one of them.  Perhaps it's because school gave me such stringent electronic professionalism guidelines.  I don't know why.  But my dad's friend who was so aghast at me using my device inappropriately doesn't bat an eye at everyone now a days in his class that are using their devices inappropriately.  In my best estimation it is because technology is so rampant and many people, especially people of older generations, have not have appropriate etiquette training on the use of devices in public situations.  Technology and cell phones/tablets more specifically have really come into existence overnight.  Everyone has them and no one was really taught how to behave with them in public.  This is something that is just now being taught to children and it seems like there is no real consensus on what is appropriate and what is not.  It's very interesting to see how culture changes, adapts and accepts so many different things so quickly as technology progresses. 

A good day

Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it in my bones.  I woke late as it is the weekend.  I did miss church which was a bummer but it felt great to sleep.  I have had time to collect my thoughts in solitude and release some of my thoughts and energy both good and bad.   The weather isn't horrible, I think it's a good day to go outside and work.  I hope to get my garage cleaned to some extent today.  That will be my winter refuge from insanity.  I am also looking forward to work tomorrow.  I have most of my messes cleaned up, I have worked ahead and this week at work should be a good and productive one.  Well, it is out to the garage I go

Turn up the positivism

I'm going to try to turn up the positivism of my blog some. I know I have had a melancholy and nostalgic flavor for quite some time.  That is partially my personality (at least I think so...) and mostly my circumstances and the season of life I am in.   The fact is though you cannot be positive or live a positive life with a negative mindset.  Obviously you cannot always spin events, circumstances or life to be positive but you can see the silver lining and make that your focus rather than the black abyss.  I am making it a goal of mine to become more positive and think more positively. Without positive thought I positively have no hope of living a positive life.

Am I retarded?

Am I retarded?  One of the funniest thoughts that I have had is the thought that most people that are retarded don't know they are retarded.  Their perception of the world is generally skewed and they see themselves as no different.  I know this isn't always the case, but it's a gross over generalization, I am aware of that.  I used to wonder if maybe I was retarded and didn't know it.  Maybe my "friends" were really personal care workers and I was simply their means to financial support.  Obviously this isn't the case but I do wonder how this is perceived by people who are in this situation.  This also brings me to my next question.  Do crazy people know they are crazy?  I suppose some of the difficulty is in defining crazy.  Some do some don't in my opinion. I was visiting with someone recently who said "She's a crazy bitch, I'd like to ask her how long the longest friendship she has had is".  This is extraordinarily ironic because I'd like to ask the same question of the person I was talking to that made this statement!  So obviously she doesn't know she's cray.  Perhaps that has some to do with narcissism though.  Both cray people in my current discussion are narcissistic to some extent.  Anyways, that's just some interesting thoughts I have been having today.  

I wish I was going...

Reading shirts- a reply to the bitch

Tonight I was observing people at a mall and I made a comment to my wife that I didn't understand what some girls shirt said.  Instead of the normal reply of trying to help me figure it out, or saying she didn't know either, I got the lecture.  The one about how when I am reading shirts I am looking at boobs and how I need to not read shirts and I need to be more grown up than to read shirts and I should never read shirts.  She went on to tell me when she wears shirts with writing on them and men read them she thinks they are looking at her boobs.  So I simply told her it sounds like she's trying to get men to look at her boobs and I'll stop reading shirts when she stops wearing shirts with writing on them.  To which she replied she didn't wear shirts with writing on them often...and to which I replied, I don't read shirts often.  I mean seriously!  34 years old and we are still playing high school bullshit insecurity games.  Just have a conversation with me instead of criticizing my every move.  I just want to relate to a human and talk, not get lectured every time I open my mouth.  The irony is she tells me I am too guarded around her.   Really? Because apparently I'm not guarded enough if I'm getting these stupid ass lectures for trying to converse with you. Furthermore please grow up and not be mad and pissy with me the rest of the night because I read a shirt.  Get real.  You fucked my ex-best friend.  I read a t-shirt.  You're the asshole, not me. 

Empty

My emptiness is self inflicted, of this I am certain.  Tonight was "date night", also known as "hell night" in my mind, and it was very enlightening.  We haven't had  too many date nights as of late so I took advantage of the moment to try to capture some thoughts about my interactions.  There's obviously something that drives a wedge between me and my spouse of 10 years.  It is worse now than it has ever been.  Tonight I identified one of my problems in my relationship and it's a huge one.  It's the fact I'm not aloud to be me, furthermore I'm not aloud to be human.  I recognized this when I realized that even though she asked me to take her on a date, I was not aloud to make any decisions.  Everything I had planed was nothing she wanted to do.  She didn't like the movie I picked so she had to pick one, she didn't like the restaurant so she picked it, she was too impatient to see the Christmas lights, we had to leave.  Every time she asked me if that was ok with me I said sure.  Was it really ok with me?  You bet.  But that's more of the problem.  I empty myself, my mind, my soul, everything.  I empty everything of caring so I can make her happy.  But what does this do to me?  It makes it til I can't feel.  I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything.  I'm just a means to help her feel happy for a short time.  But in the end, she is still not happy.  Which, if my goal is to make her happy, why the hell do I bother? Why do I think this time will be different than any others in the last 10 years?  I hate it, I hate the feeling of not feeling I hate what I am for her.  Sadly enough, when I'm not with her, when I am with anyone else, I can feel.  Wow do I love to feel.  It's a hard life I have taken on.  Although I'm very badly worn tonight I am committed to try to see it thru for several more years.  It's just a tough existence.  I need to stand up to her if I ever want to try to have feeling in my relationship again.  But is that worth the grief?  Only time can tell. 

Bugs

Something that may be kinda silly, that I was thinking about yesterday is that bugs/insects here in the northern part of the country are killed off annually by the cold weather.  In the southern part of the country it never really gets cold enough and they end up with more bugs.  Well, I wonder if prior to the advent of sophisticated man-made dwellings that are really freaking huge and warm as well as abundant, were there fewer bugs?  Think of how many insects and insect larvae are harbored in your house or garage...and your neighbors house and garage...and their neighbor...you get the point.  When the Native Americans ruled the continent and there weren't as many houses and they weren't as warm were there as many insects as there are today in the northern part of the US? Who knows.  Just a weird thought from a weird mind. 

Entitlement

Something I have been thinking about is entitlement.  Entitlement is really a problem in the world culturally and relationally.   Entitlement is in essence "having the right" to something or someone.  For example, after working all day I feel entitled that my spouse cook me dinner.  Well after running the kids to and fro school and doing a load of laundry maybe she feels entitled to call me and ask me to bring pizza home.  Her entitlement encroaches on my entitlement so then who is really entitled?  Neither.  That's just another day in the dysfunctional life of a human in my opinion.  The problem starts with us assuming our needs or desires are most important.  Our culture really tries to promote this because it's beneficial to the businesses that promote the concept that our happiness is contrived from their bullshit for us to consume.  Honest to goodness this is all a lie.  Our happiness comes from having the heart of a servant and being loved honestly and truly.  So many people are unthankful for what they have because they feel entitled to it.  Try to separate yourself from entitlement and see it in it's infant stages and kill it there.  Be a servant. Be thankful.  Love and give love. 

Senile love

I will wait for you.  I know the time isn't right, I know you got things in your life. I know you hate me to boot. When you're 80 though, maybe you'll be so senile that you'll forget me and we can meet for the very first time.  You'll be struck by my love and think I'd been in love with you my whole life. How could it be, you just met me?  I will never tell, only bask in the love that I have always longed.  Bask in it for the few years I have left, but know that it was worth the wait.  

Good day and a bad night

I had a pretty good day today.  I was productive and got things done that needed done, I enjoyed time with my family, did something special with my son, rode bikes with my dad and brother and still had time for a movie with the family.  It was a good fulfilling day but damn it's a rough night.  I am too rested from having time off and I can't sleep.  My heart is heavy and my mind melancholy.  I wish I could keep my evenings positive but it's hard.  I want desperately to connect with another person but at the same time I know that's not really sustainable.  The woman I share a roof with is not able to connect, I suppose because of her childhood.  I really don't know, I just know that's what psychologists always blame shit on.  I can't have extremely meaningful relationships outside my marriage as I would want out of my life so bad that I wouldn't stay, thereby breaking my promise to my kids.   This is a long time to suffer like this and I don't know what to do.  I suppose I will try to take it a day a time and look for God's will in it all.  It's just not easy.  Especially when you feel so alone.  I hope in 9 years or so I can look back and read these writings and say "man that was rough, but I did the right thing and I have never been happier".  

Have you ever thought...

Have you ever thought what ever made you, who you are.  Why are you, you and not me? Why I am I not you?  Why am I a human and not an animal? Every living animal is alive and has existence.  They have thoughts to some extent, reactions, they sense pain and experience loss/hurt.  It is of interest to me though.  How is it that we are determined to be who we are and we cannot change that.  Is it our minds/brains that give us our being/identity or is it our soul? Almost any organ of the body can be exchanged and not change who a person is.  Is this true for the brain?  I also wonder is being a homosexual caused by a mind/soul/spirit mismatch with the body?  What do you think?

Thanks

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving.  We had to celebrate it early because some family wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow.  But I am very thankful and want to express that.  I know my blog is melancholy and often has negative undertones.  I am thankful for my family- my kids are very important to me and my mom and dad have supported me supported me thru the struggles of a life time.  I have not lived the average life or dealt with the average problems and they have always been there for me emotionally, mentally, financially and logistically.  I am thankful for my job, my home, and even my life.  It is a very unhappy life from time to time, but it's been one worth living I suppose.  I am thankful for Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me and the salvation I have thru him despite my short comings every freakin day.  Thank you Lord God almighty for all you have done for me! 

A few of my favorite things

Today was a day that involved a few of my favorite things.  Cruising with my brother, seeing my brother, eating great home cooked food, visiting my family, and being out late at night under the stars and seeing a shooting star.  Yeah, I made a wish and I don't care if I tell it.  I know that means it won't come true, but it isn't going to come true anyhow, so it don't make no nevermind. I wished that you would simply talk to me again.  Not love me, not care about me, not miss me, not want me, not be with me.  I simply wished I'd hear from you again.  I wished you'd not shut me out.  That is all.  I miss your friendship. So there you go shooting star, I said it, you can keep my wish now.

Looking

What is it I have against sleep? It seems I can never go to bed at a reasonable hour.  I have to be absolutely exhausted and nodding off in my chair before I can call it quits for the day.  I hate to say it but I think it's because of what I recently wrote about.  It's because I'm a seeker, I'm looking and searching for affirmation of life.  I want to connect, I want to feel someone touch my soul and I want to, in turn, touch someone else's soul.  I wish I had that in my house.  I will say I enjoy my kids company.  I can connect with them.  They are able to have normal human relationships and I'm thankful for that.  I worry alot about my kids, especially my daughter since she favors her mother in her persona. I hope that they are able to have healthy meaningful relationships in the future that allow them to feel they have that connection of souls with whoever it is the end up with.  I hope to God that my children find that which I'm looking for.  I may never find it, but I hope and pray that they do.  

Thinking beyond yourself

An observation I have made of people is that often times they/we have a difficult time seeing past ourselves.  I was thinking today on my way to work how sometimes patients can try my patients.  Especially when it comes to the end of the day.  I am not sure why, but it seems inevitable that I get patients who want to come in at the last minute.  They come in wanting this, that or the other and I do my best do take care of them but it's hard when I'm trying to close the store and get ready to go home.  After all I have been there all day waiting for them to come in and they wait until the very last minute.  What gives?  Well, hmm, what does give?  The irony is they too have a story.  Some of them have been in the ER all day, others are being released from the hospital, some have driven home from university hospitals for me to take care of them.  All I can think of his how rude they are by coming in 10 minutes before close?  How rude am I!!  My store hours are 9-6 not 9-5:50.  If they get thru my doors they deserve my full attention and service.  They have chosen my store because they trust me and appreciate my services.  Maybe it's me that needs to see past myself and understand that everyone has a story and for my patients I am a part of it.  Do I want to be a good part of their story or a bad part?  This, to me, is a problem we have in society.  It used to be that we helped each other, we were neighborly and kind.  Now we are only concerned with our own intentions.  What I ask is you be respectful of me and I will be respectful of you and try to consider each others situations as humans.  Realize I may have had a shit day and I might be a little grumpy and I'll try to understand you have been at the docs office all day and just want taken care of so you can go home and not worry about getting crap done tomorrow.

As you go thru life and interact with people, know your interactions are part of their story for that day.  Be mindful of how you want to be a part of that.  Be a good part of peoples day, not the story they tell about the bitch/asshole to their family at dinner tonight. 

Refugees

I don't really want to tie up my blog in the land of political biases but I have to bring up this point because I find this meme circulating the internet to be really freaking ironic.  

It's ironic on many levels. The most notable in my opinion are as follows:  1) (the more obvious statement the meme makes) many in our country are trying to refuse refugees to come into "our country", the country we once entered as refugees 2) it's also ironic because we came in as refugees and it didn't go so well for the Native Americans....so it reaffirms the stance that the insurgence of refugees is quite a risky business that may not be in the best interest of our inhabitants. This logic is funny because it is not at all the point the meme makes.  It's interesting the inferences we have when we use our own mind instead of guided thoughts handed out on the internet. 

Turkey

Happy Turkey Day! Well if that's not one of my pet peeves I don't know what is.  Why is something so simple as wishing someone a happy turkey day a peeve?  Well to start out with it has very little to do with the turkey.  Thanksgiving is about GIVING THANKS.  I know that's a novel thought.  Modern society has tried to make it about anything but giving thanks.  It's the day before black friday, it's the day we start getting out Christmas crap, it's turkey day (the day we over eat without abandon), it's foot ball games, it's going to a movie it's anything but saying "Thank you God for what you have given us and what you have done for our family in the last year".  Don't get me wrong, some people still do that.  And there's nothing wrong with the other things I listed but what is wrong is us moving away from giving thanks and being self absorbed in yet another self pleasing holiday.  This year be thankful. Be thankful to your mom and dad for what they have done for you, be thankful for your family, be thankful for your friends, be thankful for your country, be thankful for you food, be thankful for what you have and most of all be thankful to God for all he has done, is doing and will do in your life.  This is a celebration of thanks, make sure that's how it's honored in your house this year!  

Seekers

Are you a seeker?  A looker?  A soul searcher? I am always looking for something.  Something more something deeper, something more meaningful. Is it just me, is it the plight I'm in or is it my personality?  I like to think it's a bit of both.  I fancy I can find satisfaction some day but I also hope that I am never satisfied to be mediocre. I know that sometimes life can and will be mediocre, but I want it to be the best mediocre it has to be when it is, in fact, mediocre.  I am always searching, always looking and always examining myself.  Are you?  Do you try to see yourself as you are?  

Why

Why do I write Why do I fight

Why do I live Why do I give

Why do I wake Why do I fake

Why do I breathe Why do I leave

Why do I rise Why am I wise

Why do I do all that I do

It is you my dear, it's all for you. 

High heels for men

Boots. They are high heels for men.  I have wore out several pairs of tennis shoes at work and with winter coming I thought I'd get a good, comfortable pair of work boots. I got some that look relatively professional, one of the perks of rural America, is that work boots can be considered professional.  Regardless, I have noticed that they are like high heels for men.  I am good inch taller than my usual.  I wonder if some guys wear boots intentionally to get a little more height?  Anyhow you cut it, I love my boots.  I'd wear them even if they made me shorter. 

Plant your seed

I am so empty, yes so alone

Won't you fill me up, make me your home

Plant your seed of love inside

Give me your heart to hold and to hide

Love me honest and so pure

Love me genuine such that time may endure

Love me so strong and so clear

Love me day in and day out year after year

I am so hollow and empty inside

Please come and fill me up so that I can abide

In a life again that's happy and bright

Give me something that's worth the living and the fight

Your friends

Who are your friends? What do they say about you?  Not by their words but by their existence.  Are all your friends low life pieces of shit?  Are they all super successful over achievers? Or do you have a good mixture? This is something I have been thinking about because I think it's a good indicator of who you are as a person.  I ignored signs with two women I was in serious relationships with, one of which I'm still in.  The only friends they had were low lifers, parties and under achievers.  There is nothing wrong with having friends like that though.  I know I have friends that would classify as such.  It's important to get along with anyone and be friends with people who are in different positions than you in life.  But when the only people you can foster long term friendships with are bottom feeders, odds are there's something up.  There's a reason that successful and functional people cannot or will not be friends with you longer than a month.  That said there are people I know who are only friends with successful over achievers.  This is an indicator of an unhealthy perception because these people often see themselves as better than others and are unable to connect to different classes of people.  It's when you can foster long term relationships with upper class over achievers as well as low life bottom feeders that you really show yourself to be a rounded individual that can connect with multiple classes of people and not view yourself better than others that are less fortunate.  When looking for friends or relationships look for this characteristic in a person and try to exemplify it yourself.  In my opinion it is a testament to character. 

Generally I dont

Generally I try to avoid anonymous inspirational quotes and stick to my own thoughts or use someone else's art or music because I think those things mean more to other people and may help them to synthesize their own thoughts about how they feel. Regardless,  I saw this, and it is abnormally true so I thought I'd share it.  It is something I am trying to grow towards.

Stepping down....

I was talking with my dad lastnight about something he has been involved in the for the last 10 or 12 years.  Over the last three years he said he has done everything out of obligation and that it was wrong for him to go on pretending he had desire for the office he serves in.  He thinks it's time he step down and let someone with passion take over or no one fulfill the role at all.  

This was a compelling thought and conversation for me.  Reason being, I do not have the passion for a few things I am involved in.  I know I don't have passion, but people that see me in those roles don't really know my lack of passion.  They may, from time to time, get the feeling my heart is not in it but generally speaking they do not have any idea that I lack passion.  So is it passion alone that justifies my being in a position, role, occupation or relationship?  When I lack the passion, do I need to pull the pin and exit stage left?  Or is there some extent to which obligation is more important than passion?  I believe that I have a very strong passion for my children.  I promised them with unspoken words that I will be here for them until they are ready to be on their own.  My employer I have promised nothing but to show up another day and make another dollar.  My wife I have promised til death do us part, but I swear I died long ago to her.  So in the end, I think that obligation can over ride our lack of passion and in some instances it should.  Is dad wrong for stepping down?  I don't think so.  For me, however, I will stay where I am at and what I am doing for years to come.  Maybe the passion will return, maybe it won't.  Those I am obligated towards do not seem to care why I do what I do, as long as I do it.  Perhaps they require nothing more in life than to get their needs met, they don't care how it happens as long as someone makes it happen.  Such a shallow existence is a sad one. But it is one for far to many in this world. 

If you met me

If you met me would you know me?  Few people really truly know me.  People that read my writings and see the more poetic side of me do not know me in vivo.  Those that know me from work do not know the poetic side or the simplistic do-it-all Hilljack side of me.  The ones that know the simplistic Hilljack side of me do not know the poetic or motivated professional side of me.  Very few know all sides of me.  There's a very small few that really, absolutely, honestly know me for who I actually am. Why are there so few that know me though?  Maybe because there's so few that care to?  Maybe it's because I am such a private person with my thoughts in vivo.  Maybe because most people don't typically want to know a person beyond the scope which serves their purposes.  I don't know what the reason is entirely.  I wish people would take the time and ask the questions and really get to know me for who I am rather than who they want or need me to be.  I feel so misunderstood some days.  It seems so many people assume they know me but in fact only a handful in the world do.  So how about you?  If you were to meet me would you guess it was me?  Or would you say "that ratty Hilljack over there never had a complex or poetic thought in his life" or would you say "that professional couldn't fix his own weedeater if his life depended on it".  Or would you say "There is a complex man that has many sides of humanity to offer his friends if they were only as complex".  I am often disappointed because the complexity of people is never what I think it to be.  Being complex myself, I assume others are too.  I have asked friends deep in thought what they are thinking.  As I wait for a profound epiphany I inevitably get something like "I am just wondering what I'm going to eat for dinner."  REALLY?!  I was thinking about what it means to actually love someone and how love is manifest.  My bad. Take the time.  Get to know those in your life.  Especially the quiet ones, they keep their world to themselves and only let in those that genuinely deserve to be in.  We are like a multi faceted gem, with many sides facing different ways, being all things to all people to live a fulfilling life.  Rare is the person who takes the time to see any other side than that which pleases them. 

Sleepless

The sun goes down, the moon comes up
The world turns 'round and spills my cup
This life I live, this place I'm at
It's to fast, there is no time to spat
Lay me down to sleep you know I need the rest
I need a break in this life so that I can be my best
Sleep though is something that I cannot have
I continue to separate wheat from the chaff
In my mind I go over it time and again
I can't forget but I can't remember when
So close yet indeed so far away 
The inevitable conflict and foray  

Get ready....

Are you prepared?  Prepared for what? Prepared for the inevitable, for the winter, for the cold for the snow and for the fallen trees.  Prepared for the power to be out, the roads to be bad, the floods to come up and the water to stop pumping?  Where I live is pretty rural and I like to be prepared, truth is though, I rarely am.  Last winter I made it to work reliably in my little Bavarian machine, but it was close sometimes, euro cars are not meant for the deep snow no matter what tires you use.  For this reason I have been trying to make steps towards being prepared this year.  The first of which was buying a four wheel drive truck.  When you make one step for preparedness you have to make another. I got a tool box on my truck now and I try to thoughtfully put things in that I have needed on occasion.  And so it goes, every time I prepare for something I think about how it can go wrong and try to better prepare until my tool box is absolutely full.  This means I have to check in with reality sometimes and realize some of which I prepare for is real and some are fabricated scenarios.  I have observed, though, that preparedness is the byproduct of an OCD mind.  It can be useful and it can be harmful.  I have tried to understand my need to be prepared and prepare wisely.  Are you prepared? Don't let it make you crazy. 

Separate

Tonight was a very interesting night.  In-fact I'm still trying to sort it all out in my head.  I finally got in contact with someone who's the author of a poem that really rocked my world just a few months ago.  It was a poem that I was certain you wrote, but you didn't.  It was merely an incredible coincidence that I am glad that I was involved in.  The poem reminded me of our love and of you.  It brought strength to my soul and reminded me of who I was and who I needed to be.  Matter of fact it helped me to make some much needed changes in my life.  Now the confusing part is separating you from her.  After reading, as well as associating, so much of her writings with you, and now learning that it is in fact not you, has been difficult.  I think it's been good though.  The words the Aussie wrote spoke to my soul so strongly.  This coupled with my memories and love for you made for quite the fictitious lover of my mind and soul.  Don't get me wrong, I still love you beyond compare.  It's just that I feel like I can make it through a day now without being absolutely miserable knowing you may never reciprocate my love or even speak to me again.  I hesitate to post this because on the off chance you actually read what I write. I don't want you to misunderstand it in any way.  I think it's easy to misunderstand, because I still do not entirely understand it myself and these are my thoughts.  I have to publish this though because there are therapeutic means in publication.

I can see the stars

After years of questionable vision my son finally got glasses.  The first night he had them we were walking from the vehicle to the house.  He declared "I can see the stars! They are beautiful!"  It made my heart smile.  The stars are a spectacular view, out here away from the city lights, where I live.  I am glad that he is able to see them for the first time in their full glory.  

So you moved?

Well, after years of being a thorn in my flesh the neighbor/former friend that my wife cheated on me with has moved out of state.  That's quite nice.  He lived along my way to work and I hated seeing him mowing or out working.  It really hurt every time I saw him.  He may still have a camp on the edge of his property but he is a pleasant distance away and won't be around much at all.  Some days life takes a turn for the better.  This is one of them.  Thank you God. 

Why do I?

Why do I even hold you hand?  I know that's kinda cold to say or even consider.  I know it should be a nice happy gushing response of "I just love you that much baby". But it's not.  I hold your hand because I want to feel loved, I want to try to love, I want to be loved.  I hold your hand because I am still trying, I want to hold your hand because maybe if I do all I can you will change and be better.  I hold your hand because I don't want to let go (but for that, I do not know why).  I hold your hand because I some how love you still, despite the hurt and pain you constantly bring me. Why do you hold hands? 

Being Boss

Almost this entire week I have been playing boss.  I never really feel like I'm a boss except for maybe one or two times in the last year when I had to get onto one of my employees.  Usually I just feel like me, one of the team, my job is just a little different than those that work for me. So this week I have been working on employee evaluations.  It's been pretty weird.  One of the people I was evaluating actually trained me prior to grad school.  What's most interesting about the evaluations though, is that so far, my employees know when they are doing something wrong and when they are doing something right.  From time to time you come across someone who genuinely thinks so highly of them self, that they think they excel in all aspects.  Typically though, what you view as your employee's strengths, they view as their strengths.  Conversely, what they view as their weaknesses you also view as their weaknesses.  Furthermore, it seems that they typically value their selves less than what the employer or the company values them at.  This is a point that is made evident when I issue self evaluations and compare it with my employer evaluations.  

What's the take home?  The take home is people know when they are doing something wrong but they also know what they are doing right.  Additionally we as humans, save in the instance of narcissism, value ourselves lower than others.  Don't sell yourself short and undervalue contributions to life.  Know your worth. You are invaluable. 

Sick and tired

I'm so sick and tired of it.  I am sick of the substance abuse.  I know it wasn't all that long ago that I was there, but it is so hard to tolerate, especially when there is no sign of an end.  I have fought and argued with my wife about it.  She constantly wants to be high.  She's abused alcohol and many other drugs but I don't' care what it is it gets old.  The interesting part is when I asked her once why she's trying to accomplish she told me she is escaping herself.  It's sad and sad.  It's sad because she recognizes she dislikes who she is enough she wants to get high constantly to avoid who she is.  It's secondly sad because I can't/won't escape who she is.  She's such a bitch to be with, she can't stand herself, how much more do you think I can stand her?  Especially without substance abuse.  I am sworn off the substance abuse though.  It mutes my reality and if my reality is a bitch wife- so be it.  At least I will know this is what my reality is.  If I don't like it and I don't change it there is no one to blame but myself.  That said, I take responsibility for my shitty future and shitty past. I have made bad decisions, many of which I intend to reform from in the next 9 years.  

Evaluations

Well today was an interesting day in bossdom for me.  I got to do my first evaluations and the irony is, at the store I work for I did the evaluations for the woman who trained me and the the girl that replaced me.  This is interesting because it really goes to show you the importance of treating everyone right despite yours or their status.  The woman that trained me was good to me and I'm glad she was because it does not bias my bossing, now that I'm in charge.  It's just kinda ironic and odd going from the trainee to the boss over the last half a decade.  Especially since I was not a part of the company, this ended up being a company my employer absorbed.   
About evals though.  They are tough.  It's really hard for me to think of negative things about my employees in the first place but then to think of them, and then direct them in how to better fix the problem. Conversely it's difficult to praise them without indicating they have "arrived" because no one has ever arrived, life is a series of constant improvements.  

Shut up!

Oh man, I can't stand that!  The utmost disrespect in my opinion.  I'd rather someone say "fuck you" than "shut up".  I suppose because "fuck you" is generally said in jest and is not as heartfelt as "shut up".  When I was growing up, it didn't matter how old you were, if you told mom or dad "shut up" you knew you were getting fucked up.  You just didn't  say that.  Well, my daughter told me that tonight.  It was a really shocking moment because I'd raised her better than that, but she is a punk teenager now.  It really grated my nerves but I explained to her it was a very serious offense and she is never to talk to anyone that way.  I think she understood, but our culture as a whole is perpetually more disrespectful than the last generation.  It's just not a big deal to say "shut up" these days.  Well, it still is in my world, and if you want me to foot the bill, you can shut up. 

I grow old loving you

I love you.  You know who you are. You might not like it, but that's tough luck. I can't change it nor can you.  I will grow old loving you.  Today I had a gentleman come into my store today that was in his mid eighties.  It made me think, I will love you even when I'm eighty, and older! If you have not responded to me by then I will still be trying to get you to talk to me.  It's somewhat sad to me because that's a long time to love without return.  At the same time it's a glad thought because I have never thought this thought before.  There is no one else on earth that I have even considered I would love for that long.  I am sorry because I know you don't want my love and it's horrid being rejected, but I would rather love genuinely and be rejected than to love falsely and hollowly and direct my affections to someone who is not the love of my heart yet reciprocates my affection. 

If it's not you again...

Well if it's not you again Death.  How ya doing?  You always stop by so unexpectedly.  I thought for sure I'd see you a month ago or so when my grandfather was down and out but nah, you spared him, you knew I was ready.  Then you snuck in and got my great aunt when I didn't expect it.  It's sad, I wish I'd seen her one last time but you always leave us wishing that don't you?  Well, I know she's resting better now.  I also know you can't keep her.  She belongs to God and he will raise her up and take good care of her.  Next time you're in town stop by and say hi.  

Wants and needs

I am having a very frustrating evening.  I am trying to focus on the family and do some stuff with the kids but Insanity keeps getting in the way.  I'm pretty done with her crap for the night.  I have been informed that because I have been trying to lose weight and exercise, now that I have grown my hair out to a reasonable length and purchased clothes that don't have holes in them, it is evident I must be having an affair.  I fucking give up.  Sure my heart isn't in the relationship, I don't deny that, but it's been that way for years.  The thing that breaks my mind is we are back at square one of my marriage 10 years later. Except at this point I know better how to handle myself and the crazy woman I married.  I have finally dug my way out of depression and found my zen despite her incessant nagging, fighting, arguing, partying and being dishonest and dishonorable.   She has cheated on me, lied to me, ruined me once financially but still can find the time to try to bring me down.  Now that I refuse to be "down" anymore she's reverting to her tactics that got me there in the first place.  The truth is she liked me depressed out of my mind.  She liked it when I didn't want to go on living, she liked it when I had a death wish of abnormal proportions.  Why did she like it you ask?  Glad you inquired, she liked it because I needed her.  She needs to feel needed and the fact is I don't  need her.  I never have, I never will.  I did not marry her because I needed her, I married her because I wanted her.  She doesn't want to be wanted, she wants to be needed.  What's the difference?  Need is not voluntary, need is mandatory.  There is security in being needed because the person that needs you cannot do without you.  Being wanted is much more of a testament of love because the other person doesn't need you, they can pull the pin any time and leave. They stay with you because they love you and they want you. The inherent problem comes when you don't have have the self worth to think that someone would want to stay with you.  Then you have to try to bring them to a level in which they need you.  This is, without a doubt, the biggest problem I face in my relationship.  It is compounded by the fact that I am very relentless and don't give up easily.  This means she has to go absolutely bonkers to bring me down a few notches.  Sometimes she lucks out and happens to find tragedy in my life and she tries to capitalize on that.  This is a fact that I am well aware of from my past with her.  So here we are, in a "argument" worth crying over because I am ironing my clothes for work.  Someone has clearly lost their shit and it's not me.  

So take a moment for introspection. Do you need to be needed or want to be wanted? If you need to feel needed what to you do to fulfill that feeling?  Do you bring down others or do you just find genuinely needy people?  I think everyone has someone in life. I think needy people need to find people that need to be needed.  But wanters need to have wanters who want them for who they are.  

Raise your hands

Ya know, I been thinkin tonight.  I was listening to a song that really touches my soul and it compels me to hold my hands in the air.  I know it's not only me that feels this way though. I have been to concerts before and there's alot of songs that touch people in a way they feel compelled to raise their hands to the sky.  But why is it? What causes this?  In my opinion, for me, it is because it's a song that connects to me so dearly it's an innate urge I can't suppress or refuse to suppress.  Interestingly enough, this is how God wants us to worship him.  He wants us to connect with him so dearly that we cannot stop the compulsion to raise our hands in the air in complete spiritual surrender.  These thoughts intrigue me though because 1) it does seem to be a natural response to a deep connection 2) music can illicit such a response, which indicates to me that music really does touch your soul and 3) God wants us to be this passionate about his worship that we connect and feel compelled to raise our hands.  Enjoy music, worship passionately and don't be afraid to throw your hands up, even at church!

yin-yang

In my weekend travels I went and saw an old friend.  He knew me thru the worst times and he's seen me to my best times.  We differ a tremendous amount in many ways.  He is a very care free soul and we have very opposing views on many topics.  The fact is, though, that thru the years we have relied on each other for alot of things.  I suffer from being a second born child, I am very serious and competitive.  I expect no one to be perfect EXCEPT me.  I must be perfect at all times and be the best at everything I can to be of value.  My friend is a care free hippie that doesn't know where his next pay check will come from but he manages.  He takes it a day at a time and never takes himself too serious.   When we spend time together he helps me realize that I do not have to be perfect, that it's ok to mess up once in a while, just be real about it.  I help him to get his shit organized and motivated and see that he doesn't drown in the sea of life.  We have a symbiotic relationship of sorts and it's very interesting.  I didn't realize all this until lastnight.  Who is your yin and are you their yang?  It is a difficult balance to walk that requires alot of respect. Often such drastic and different views can clash and in the end cause strife, but genuine friendship that can overlook flaws can make these some of the best relationships because you have what each other needs in life.  

The same but different

I went to my old stomping grounds over the weekend.  I engaged in hobbies that I rarely have time for and enjoyed nature.  I saw the sun set and the moon rise, I saw the stars up in the sky.  I traveled the same roads and the same trails that I traveled merely a year ago.  I trod places that I went when I missed you, I went out with friends that have been tried and true.  Things were the same but different.  They were the same because my friends were still there and they still had love and care.  My travels and hobbies were the same, the hot spots and restaurants were all where I left them and it was fun as always.  It was different because I am different too.  I have changed and some things are not the same, I don't stay out, I don't party and carouse, I don't sit in the bars like a louse.  I have fear and respect that I never did before and I don't have you, that is oh-so sore.   Things were the same, but different.  In some ways good, in some was bad, in some ways it was fulfilling and in other ways hollow.   It was good to go out and remember, it was good to see people and be remembered, but it is you that's forever my memory. My memory of the places I've been, the love I've had and the heart that I broke.  The memory of my path and poor choices.  The memory of someone that changed my course forever.  Thank you for being real and shooting me straight.  I'd not be me today without you then.  For that, I can never forget you.  

When you're done

I had a conversation with a friend a few nights ago, it was interesting.  Primarily, it was interesting, because it provoked me to think from someone else's perspective.  After I had seen it from her perspective I was able to relate it to my own perspective to better understand the situation.  The topic at hand was being "done" with people and relationships etc.  This is something that is pretty against my nature.  I feel that I can work thru almost anything with someone if they give me the opportunity and even if we differ in opinions enough we can't get along we can agree to disagree and not absolutely ignore or cut each other off.  Well, my friend was telling me about a situation in her life in which she just said "I'm done" and cut off the relationship.  I struggled to come to terms with this because I am not good at saying "we are done".  I want to fix things, talk thru things etc.  Which I guess is part of one of my problems I have previously addressed on this blog.  Then it dawned on me though, I did know what she was talking about.  I remember when my best friend of 20 years, the one who was the best man in my wedding, I remember when him and my wife cheated behind me back and I had to tell him I was done, I won't have friends I can't trust.  I wish I could tell my wife I'd not have a spouse I couldn't trust but she is the mother of my children and to maintain a stable environment for them I just deal with it.  So, my best friend and I are done still to this day.  I've not talked to him since the night I found out and told him to never speak to me again.  He hasn't years later and I'm fine with that.    I try to understand this and infer it to relationships and hurt that is not as drastic.  I try to understand being "done".  Being "done" is definitely safer and easier.  Is it really always the best though? I think that the answer varies from person to person.  We have our own bullshit tolerance levels that we can stand before we have to shut out the pain and hurt.  My levels are just stubbornly high, but that's not always healthy.  I need to learn to be done sooner and save myself the headache.  So how about you?  Are you done?  When you're done can things change back to un-done? 

The road I have traveled

I think there is some poetry in this for the near future but for now... I will just write about it.  My poetic juices aren't flowing tonight.  Regardless, I was talking to a friend about the road I have traveled over the last few years and it was quite chilling when I really looked at it all.  I was so close to the brink of failure and ruin at one point in my life.  I nearly lost it all and whatever I didn't lose I almost threw away.  The trauma indeed has contributed to who I am today. I suppose was necessary for me to see myself clearly as-well-as my problems.  I am not as perfect as I once thought, nor will I ever be even close.  I have over come my greatest hurdle in life though, myself.  I was my greatest enemy because I viewed myself unrealistically.  The night I spent in jail was the most sobering thing I have ever done on many accounts but it really helped me to see me for who I was and what I was doing not only to myself but those in my life.  It took a lot of work to get my shit together and succeed from that point on but I was able to that and I thank God every day for what he has given me by his grace.  I do not deserve a single thing I have in life but he has made me humble and I am grateful. 

Love at first....

Some people talk about love at first sight, I say bullshit.  The only thing you know at first sight is if you desire the other person physically then your subconscious says "yeaaahhh I could put up with a lot of bitch for a little bit of that" or "She/he might be intolerably stupid but very cute, I could put up with stupid".  The fact is that time will "un-cute" or "un-hot" just about anyone.  Then what do you have?  I bitchy troll?  A stupid old man?  That's a gross oversimplification of matters, but it's to make a point.  Love at first sight is something I do not believe in....I do, however, believe in love at first though.
I once met a person that I loved at the first conversation I had with them. They were fun, witty and easy to talk to.  We conversed for some time and I was very in love with her.  I had never met her, I had never seen her, I had never heard her voice but I loved who she was as a person.  I loved her for her thoughts, her opinions, her taste and ideas. I loved her for her.  She loved me for me and loved that I loved her without seeing her.  As time passed we met and I was stunned to see just how beautiful she was.  I was in love before I knew her beauty though because her real beauty was from inside of her.  Her heart, her mind and her soul.  I hope some day I can feel that with someone again.  That is someone I can grow old with.  Someone I share opinions, thoughts and ideals with.  Someone who loves me for me and I love them for who they are.  Not a love of looks or financial status but a love of genuine proportions. That is what I hope for in the future and that is what I believe in.  Love at first sight? HA! What a crock.  I believe in love at first thought.

God nail clippings

When I was a boy my brother and I used to think the waxing and waning crescent moon looked like the finger nail clippings of God.  Tonight the moon really took me back in time as it was rising on the horizon.  I was wondering if you might have looked up tonight and saw the same thing....or maybe you're not as big of a goof as I am.  I don't know. 

Contentment

My thoughts today have been on contentment, or rather my lack-there-of.  I have been discontented for years really.  I tend to blame this on my situation in life, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that my situation should have nothing to do with this.  Contentment. Real, true, genuine contentment doesn't come from the things that go on around me.  The circumstances around me can influence my contentment but  they do not dictate my contentment.  This is an important truth for one to grasp when coming to terms with being content.  From what I have learned in life, contentment comes from within. It is a peace that I have that comes from taking a step back and choosing how I react and how I feel.  You cannot always determine your emotions, but just as the external inputs can affect your contentment, so too can your internal inputs affect contentment.  The art of contentment therefore is developing your internal inputs to be greater than your external inputs.  This is how you can gain control of your own contentment.  It's far easier said than done.  It is possible though and I think that it is something that is perfected over time. My only qualm with this is that the greater your negative external inputs that affect your contentment, the greater your internal inputs must be to remain content under duress. Additionally the more you must disconnect yourself emotionally so you do not react on emotion alone but rather emotional logic (emotional intelligence).  If you are in a very stressful relationship you have to disconnect yourself emotionally to be able to be content.  As far as I am concerned this is an emotional fact and part of my quandary.  Because to be emotionally content I do not want to be disconnected...for this reason I would have to excise that which I am disconnecting from for contentment.  I am just not ready to do that.  

Yeah, I cook.

Window to the soul

They say the eyes are the window to the soul- what is it that you would see then, if I were to take off my sunglasses?  You would see hurt, you would see love, you would see passion.  You would see all of these things but most of all you would see me.  You would see me for who I am. Not for who you think I am, not for who others think I am, not for what I look like, not for what I talk like, not for what I write like, but for what I am.  Look into my eyes and see me for who I am, it is far more than you take me for I promise. 

Damaged Goods

I was thinking about how, as humans, we tend to become mentally and emotionally damaged.  Often times it's irreparable.  Sometimes we are salvage.   I was thinking about how over the last several years I have become really accustomed to the mental, emotional and verbal abuse I encounter frequently.  When I was first married it was very foreign to me and it upset me a lot. As I have grown older and been around it now for 12years it's really just annoying and that is all. But why?  I think primarily because I have adapted.  The abuse is just the same if not worse than it was but I respond differently.  This is both good and bad.  I have found that a way my mind has changed to cope with the abuse is I forget things.  Not just THINGS but things people do or say.  In an effort to maintain my relationship with my wife I have learned, subconsciously to forget the wrong she does.  I have friends that say "do you remember when she...(insert any of many unbelievable thing she's done)" And I don't.  I honestly don't.  This is frustrating because I used to have an amazingly good memory.  That has all long since past though.  The part that's most heart breaking is when I see pictures of me with my kids doing things and I can't remember it at all.  That is tough.  For this reason I have resolved to take alot more pictures of the good moments in life, but that is neither here nor there for this dialogue.
I am guessing that I am not alone in this suffering.  I have met many people over the years who have some form of relationship PTSD.  Most people have had it far worse than I have.  But what does all this mean for us that suffer?  Well, in a nut shell it means we are damaged goods.  Our stresses in life have caused us to cope with life in unhealthy ways and we have to either embrace it or reject it.  If we embrace it, carry on.  If we reject it we have to reject those that have caused us in the past to manage our stress in these ways.  Some people are easier to reject as are some situations but most are family and difficult scenarios.
For me, I have chosen to embrace it for now.  It's frustrating but it is by far the lesser of the two evils as far as my children are concerned.  But what happens when they are grown?  I have decided with certainty I will not live like I am right now with so much angst and abuse.
My fear is when I finally chose to leave the abuse I will have been so damaged I will never be able to function normally in a relationship again.  Conversely I fear that I will have a hard time finding someone I can reciprocate love with when I am nearly 40.  And if I do find someone, what abuses have they experienced and how has it scarred them?  In the end it seems that most people end up damaged by relationships.  Some of us start relationships damaged from familial relationships others of us come into relationships and are damaged by someone who has already suffered abuses in life.  So when I do end up leaving my abuse....will I be able to revert to being a functioning human or what will I carry with me? Will it be my choice what I bring?  I think, to some extent, we can control what we bring with us but we have to be very honest, objective and introspective.  I hope and pray I can be functional again and if I choose to be in a relationship ever again I hope it will be a functional one this time.  

Traffic

Have you ever thought about oncoming traffic? I mean geeze one move and they could off you and your whole clan.  As many psychotic and immeasurably ignorant people as there are out there it's a wonder that there are not more car accidents than there are! Every time I go past a car I think to myself "that person is batshit crazy, but they still didn't kill me, thank you God."

My mind

I want to think plain, I want to think clear
But you're in my head a whisperin' in my ear
I will never forget, I have tried so hard
Despite my efforts my mind is scarred
Come to me then, Run from me now
I promise I will reach you some how
In my words or thru my work
Seeing you smile would be a perk

Veterans

I saw a veteran hobbling out of a restaurant today as I was going in.  He walked with two crutches but he managed to get by.  I wonder sometimes what they have seen.  Some I know have seen far worse than others.  I know my friend that spent significant time in Afghanistan was not left untouched by the time he spent there.  This veteran that I was observing had very evident impacts from war, but far too often we don't ever see these impacts unless we are really close to someone.  Few veterans will tell what really has happened and the things they had to be involved in.  This is a burden that weighs heavily on them.  When a veteran in your life needs to talk support them.  If they need to go be involved in a group of veterans where they feel they can talk about things more openly, encourage that.  Veterans have given their all for you, the best we can give them is an nonjudgmental ear and a shoulder to lean on.