Empty

My emptiness is self inflicted, of this I am certain.  Tonight was "date night", also known as "hell night" in my mind, and it was very enlightening.  We haven't had  too many date nights as of late so I took advantage of the moment to try to capture some thoughts about my interactions.  There's obviously something that drives a wedge between me and my spouse of 10 years.  It is worse now than it has ever been.  Tonight I identified one of my problems in my relationship and it's a huge one.  It's the fact I'm not aloud to be me, furthermore I'm not aloud to be human.  I recognized this when I realized that even though she asked me to take her on a date, I was not aloud to make any decisions.  Everything I had planed was nothing she wanted to do.  She didn't like the movie I picked so she had to pick one, she didn't like the restaurant so she picked it, she was too impatient to see the Christmas lights, we had to leave.  Every time she asked me if that was ok with me I said sure.  Was it really ok with me?  You bet.  But that's more of the problem.  I empty myself, my mind, my soul, everything.  I empty everything of caring so I can make her happy.  But what does this do to me?  It makes it til I can't feel.  I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I don't feel anything.  I'm just a means to help her feel happy for a short time.  But in the end, she is still not happy.  Which, if my goal is to make her happy, why the hell do I bother? Why do I think this time will be different than any others in the last 10 years?  I hate it, I hate the feeling of not feeling I hate what I am for her.  Sadly enough, when I'm not with her, when I am with anyone else, I can feel.  Wow do I love to feel.  It's a hard life I have taken on.  Although I'm very badly worn tonight I am committed to try to see it thru for several more years.  It's just a tough existence.  I need to stand up to her if I ever want to try to have feeling in my relationship again.  But is that worth the grief?  Only time can tell.