It's easier to sell things you have

An epiphany, that is rather stupid, but true, it's it's easier to sell things that you have.  I had a few items that we hadn't normally stocked I started carrying because I had enough requests for them.  It's interesting because we sell them since we stock them.  When we special ordered them often times they would go bad or never get picked up and have to sent back.  If we have the item WHEN the patient wants it, they will buy it.  This all goes to say that you need to have what you're selling in life.  If you sell yourself as a good successful person no one wants to wait for you to stop being a douche and become one.  That is in essence what I did previously in my life.  I was a good person and on the right track but rapidly losing my way, when I became friend with the woman I love, and sold myself as what I had been, and what I now have become, but at that time what I was not.  She didn't want to wait for a special order man she wanted a real legit man that was a good successful man at that time, not in 3 years.  Well three years later, here I am, sorry as hell. 

Jedi Mind Tricks

I have many conversations on the phone every day.  One thing I have quickly learned is how to take control of the conversation and it's quite funny.  When I'm transcribing orders nurses just like to blurt everything out fast as they can so I always ask them questions in order I want the information and when I'm asking questions it gives me time to write.  The funniest thing though, and this goes back to my "parrot talk" blog article a while back, is that people almost always say the same thing you say in either greeting or closure.  I swear I could say "fuck you, enjoy your day" and they would reply the same thing.  No matter what I say, or how I change my phrase of closure they almost inevitably repeat it back.  It kinda reminds me of the Jedi mind tricks that Obi-Wan would do on Star Wars. I can say what I want them to say and the just repeat it back.  It's so funny. 

History Repeats

History repeats itself, or so I have been told.  I have many of the same genetic propensities and proplexities that my mothers family had.  I will be point blank with you about some things now.  My grandfather's father killed himself when my grandfather was just young.  It really left a mark on my grandfather in how he deals with reality and death. The irony is, it was always said that his father was driven crazy by his mother and he just couldn't deal with her anymore.  From what I know this is pretty accurate.  The part where history comes in, is sometimes I have a hard time dealing with my wife and my life...actually just my wife.  Life isn't bad at all she just makes me crazy with her nagging and bitching constantly day in and day out and her dissatisfaction even when I go above and beyond what anyone in her life has ever done for her.  Some days I think I want to just end it all.  The good news is, I am a student of history to some extent.  I see the scars that this fate left on my grandfather, I know these would be the scars my son would wear for the rest of his life.  I have determined that if it ever gets so serious I feel I need to take my life to get relief from the life I live I will show her the door.  Take the time to know your family, genetics are very strong and situations are not always so different over the ages know what problems may arise and how you will handle them to correct history and maybe make something a little better for your family in the future. I always say, history repeats herself- because no one listened. 

The death of an asshole

One of my very first times working the job I have now I had a very angry and rude patient yell and threaten me while pointing his finger in my face.  He was such an asshole I couldn't stand it but I apologized for nothing I did wrong.  It was infact, his mistake, but I took the blame.  He was the first, and one of the only patients that I have ever thought "I can't wait til this asshole dies and I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore".  That's a horrible thing to say but he really made me that mad.  Well, that was a little over a year ago, and today, he died.  Yes, and asshole died today, but it was not the asshole you think I'm talking about.  It's me.  You see, over the course of the year I learned that he was angry and upset because he didn't understand things.  People didn't explain them in ways he could understand them, he didn't read well, he didn't do math well, he never finished highschool.  He actually became one of my patients that would only talk to me about things because he trusted me and I explained things in ways he could understand them.  When I heard the news today I was devastated because he and I had developed a close patient/provider relationship and I had grown to like him.  Then the words that I muttered under my breath came back to me.  It stung because I meant them then, but I wish I could take them back now.  No one else knows what I said to myself or thought, but I knew.  It pained me I ever had felt that way towards my patient no mater how rude or mean he was to me.  I have learned over the years that often times rudeness is a cover up.  It's to protect those people from hurt because they are vulnerable in one way or another. Today an asshole died, it was not a patient but me.  I put to death the asshole that would ever think something so mean about another human. I put him to death and I won't miss him.  RIP RLS.

Now I remember!

Now I remember why I don't care!  I was off work today and didn't go anywhere so I thought ya know what, I'm cooking dinner and doing all the dishes.  She will be happy and it will be cool.  WRONG.  I cooked a descent meal.  I made a pot roast with veggies.  I baked biscuits and made creme brulee.  I washed all my dishes from cooking, made fresh coffee and washed all the dishes after dinner.  The only difference was when she was a bitch towards me she would apologize.  So I would endure an hour of bitchy, then hug and apologize, then bitch, then apologize.  I remember though, I remember how hard I used to try to make her happy, this was a solid reminder of those days.  I will be truthful, these days I don't try to make her happy and this is why.  You can work really hard and get the same freakin results as doing nothing or doing whatever you wanted all day.  You cannot serve her and get the satisfaction of making someone happy or feel special.  She's a complicated individual.  Father God in heaven I wish I could have someone that appreciated my efforts!! Please!

Snowed

It's been a few days since I have had a chance to write.  Seems that being snowed in with the wife prevents me from having any time to myself for therapeutic writing. Speaking of snowed, isn't it so neat? Your yard can look like shit but a foot of snow makes it look perfect! You can even have stuff under the snow like bicycles and lumber and it looks fine.  It reminds me of Jesus.  He hides all the shit inside us from God so we can be together.  But that doesn't mean we don't have to clean the yard still.

If I had...

If I had the money I have today, but had it yesterday, when I did not have the brains or wisdom that I have today, then would I have made it until tomorrow?  Hell no. 

I wish I had the strength of yesterday and the knowledge of today, the money of today and I wish it would all last until tomorrow.

Instead I have weakness today, and money, and wisdom and knowledge, but not the health to enjoy.

I used to have health a plenty and money sparse and not have an once of sense to me.