Facebook Dama

I don't do Facebook because I don't really like drama.  I have an alias account I use to keep in contact with a fist full of people that are important to me and that's it.  I don't read the bullshit or get into the arguments.  I have no desire, it gets me on edge.  I am a very too-myself and peaceful person.  My wife is not.  I really dislike it when she brings the Facebook drama right to me and spoon feeds it to me.  I can't tell her I dislike it though because it's some of the very little communication we have and I am trying to foster better communication and being able to share anything.  The problem is  we don't like the same things!  How is it I couldn't see past my dick to realize we were so different.  She gives me daily highlights of who said what on Facebook and her responses.  At the end of my daily Facebook update tonight I told her "that sounds like a lot of drama, maybe you should just quit Facebook"  she said "ohh no!  I enjoy being able to tell people what I think." That's kinda an interesting statement to me.  Why do you enjoy telling people what you think?  I don't enjoy telling people what I think unless they ask what I think.  I don't need to broadcast my thoughts.  I broadcast to some extent on this blog, but I know my audience is very small and limited and furthermore it's more about just venting and throwing ideas than trying to prove I'm right, or my cause is the right cause to be behind etc.  It is what it is though.  I can either listen or not, it's all about how bad I want to foster communication with her.  

Nobody's Fault (But Mine)

Aging

Nature At Work

A few nights ago I got to see a few cool things.  One night I saw a coyote that had killed a rabbit.  It was running across the road and up the hill on my way home.  Then two days later I saw a baby bobcat eating off a deer carcass along side the road on my way home.  It was neat to be so intimately involved with nature if even for a brief moment.  It's amazing how cyclic nature is.  Death is a part of life and survival.  We as humans have sanitized the cycle of life so much with the advent of supper markets and fast food.  That is not how we were intended to live.  We were meant to live, we were meant to kill, we were meant to grow, we were meant to survive by being one with nature and a part of the natural cycle of life.  When you remove yourself from life and death and being a part of nature you begin to lose your respect for life.  

Relapsing

I am having a rough night. I really want someone to love me.  I feel so alone, I feel like no one cares.  I miss my love. I miss the feeling there was hope.  I miss caring and being cared for.  I'm feeling very lonely tonight.  

Ten Year Gone

So last night was a horrible throw back to the very beginning of my marriage.  This is one of the biggest struggles I have had with my wife:  I cannot have a conversation with her.  Before I can finish a story she erupts into being mad at me about something absurd.  Last night I started a story about something I saw on instagram.  I didn't even get to tell my story, as soon as I said "instagram" it was on.  She was angry I was following people that I don't know.  I follow people that have similar interests even people from other cultures and it's interesting because I get to see alot of different things.  Well some dickwad posted a bunch of pics of a chick in a bathing suite.  I never noticed them or I'd have unfollowed him.  Apparently my wife was on my instagram looking for something to be mad about and found this.  So naturally I was given her typical infidelity accusations etc etc.  It's sooo fucking old.  I have been dealing with these for 10 years now and I have not done anything deserving of this.  The accusations don't even make me as sad as not being able to have a conversation.  I really want to come home and talk to someone about my life, my day, things I see, things I think.  Instead I just write.  I write to the nebulous internet.  To the spirit of my lover and friend.  I write pretending someone cares.  It's depressing as hell though, I was feeling so good the last week and now I am hit with this.  It's depressing because 10 years has gone since I married her and it's the same old bullshit.  This is the stuff that started my downward spiral years ago and I am climbing back out of my hole and I realize nothing is the same.  I know it sounds obvious it's time to let her go and terminate the relationship but I cannot do that for my children's sake.  The irony is she thinks we are at a good place in our relationship. Well, she may be....I'm sure not.  I'm at a good place with every thing else in my life and getting better, but not my marriage.  

This however is the good news: I didn't over react or act out of character.  The former me, the me I have struggled with would act out of character from being pissed about the accusations.  I would have followed a bunch of hoes and said "fuck you" in a passive aggressive sort of way. On my way to work I was so angry at her for the way she treats me and I considered doing that even though that's NOT me and I said "hell no".  Why do something out of character for you because you're mad?  That's what causes problems and that's what has broken my life before.  I will not let it break me again and I will not let my negative feelings cause me to do things out of retaliation or feeling justified to do wrong because I pay the hell for it regardless. I will be me, no matter who is here and I will be me no matter what my wife likes or what you like. That, my friends, is the good news. 

Not my day off

Today was a really powerful day for me.  I was a vessel for God's mercy in a mans life.  I did what God asked me to do and I fought myself to not take the easy way out or half-ass the job.  There was a gentle man that I am acquainted with that was needing help getting to neighboring towns to get some important paperwork done. He has no friends or family to drive him.  He simply has no one.  Every time I questioned him about his documents he could simply tell me no one would take him.  Finally I arranged to meet him on my day off and help him run errands.  He was a no-show.  I see him walking almost every day though so I thought I may run into him on my way home.  I promised God I would pick him up and take him to do his errands if I saw him.  I did see him and I kept driving.  I made it half a mile when I became really irked with myself for not being a man of my word to God and to myself and to this man.  So I turned around and went and got him.  Well he didn't have any of the documents he needed to get his paperwork done.  He is very border-line handicapped.  So I thought "not my fault, he didn't do his part he can go about it on his own if he doesn't make it easy for me" The truth of the matter is that I don't always make it easy for God and he told me that.  His spirit said "be this mans advocate".  So we tracked down his papers, it entailed a few phone calls and a few stops but we got it done.  I listened to his mindless ramblings for 3 hours in the car today, on my day off...but really...was it my day to begin with?  I make my "day off" mine, but if I am to be a Christian about it, it is not mine, it is Gods.  Today my day off was not my day off, it was God's day for me to work.  I don't tell this to glorify myself but to be humbled by my convictions and share my lessons learned.