No thanks

I was reading an interesting though recently.  The premise of it was this: negative, entitled, sour people are not thankful, conversely, joyful/happy people are thankful.  Thankfulness is the crux of being joyful.  This makes sense to me.  I am not a extremely negative person in most respects (I am in some I know), but I try to see the positive. One of my co-workers is always complaining of his job and isn't happy in it.  We have very similar jobs and work for the same guy.  I on the other hand had some rough experiences working for bigger corporations and I am very thankful for my job.  I thank my boss (and God) still (even though it's been over a year I've been with him).  This job has been has been a huge blessing to me and exceeded my expectations in so many ways.  I am happy to be at work and do what I do and work for who I work for.  The only thing that is different from me and my friend is that I am thankful because of where I have been and what I have experienced.  He is not thankful, and from it he feels bitter towards our Boss.  This is one simple example, but it's a real life lesson for me because I understand this on a personal level it helps me to see it's value on a greater plane.  I have made it my goal to try to think of one thing a day I am thankful for, however simple it may be, and try to thank those involved and thank God.  I hope that I in-turn will become more joyful.  Maybe even I can be as brave as to try to incorporate this into my marriage.  As hard as I have it, or think that I have it, there are still things I am thankful for in my marriage and I need to try to express that and hopefully that will help me have more joy there as well.  

Help

Do you remember when people helped each other?  Some areas/cultures it was longer ago than others. For me, being from a rural area it wasn't all that long ago.  Yesterday after work my truck wouldn't start.  I cranked on it for over half an hour before it would start (damned diesels).  People walked right by me.  A car pulled in, parked to text and such for a while as I cranked.  People came and went to the gas station.  No one ever even came over to offer help.  Finally one of my employee's husbands showed up in response to my plea for help text.  We got it running and everything which was good, but it was a very very discouraging moment.  The people in the community just ignored someone who needed help.  I don't know how many times I've gone and OFFERED help (no one had to ask).  Furthermore, literally half of the town knows me personally because of my job and I have done favors on my own time for many of them.  I know I have too high of expectations of people in general.  I admit that's a problem.  None-the-less in a small community I would think that people would be willing to help, not even a stranger, but a person they all know.  Shame on you small town I work in! 

Now, for those of you with generous hearts that may read this, take it with a grain of salt.  Some of us are overly kind hearted and will help strangers.  Beware of who you help and when.  Times are indeed changing and I have known people to get hurt or robbed while trying to help strangers and passers thru in our area and others.  But if you KNOW the person, for goodness sake help them!  

Being a better driver...

My son was intently playing his driving simulator on his tablet today for quite some time. My daughter asked what he was doing.  He said he was practicing driving so when he really starts driving he won't be as bad of a driver as his mom! BAHAHAHAH  Even the 9 year old realizes she sucks at driving!  Priceless. 

Naivety

I have a peculiar naivety about me for being the skeptical realist I am.  Perhaps that indicates I'm not as much of a skeptic nor a realist as I perceive myself to be.  That's really not the topic I want to discuss though.  I don't understand how the same old shit can happen and I still get blindsided.  I would guess that's how I survive.  I forget that just yesterday she was a bitch to everyone, wake up, hope it's going to be a new day.  Once in a while she throws me a bone and we have a descent day as a family.  She's been a crank for the last few days but nothing drastic or hurtful.  This morning I was reminded why I don't leave and why I can't leave.  Our daughter started to do something her mother asked her not to do, then when questioned she tried to defend what she was doing and my wife went into retard mode.  She started yelling, telling my daughter she can't stand to ever be around her.  I stopped her before she could say anything else hurtful.  It made her mad at me but I don't give a damn, that's my job.  I will defend these kids from her painful darts til my dying breath.  It was a good reminder that I am still needed here.  I wish my wife were able to see and hear the hurtful things she says for what they are.  I don't understand them either.  What mother says that to her daughter?  Her own flesh and blood?  What the hell would she have said if I hadn't stopped her?  What's the long term effects of this on my kids?  The only good part of it all, I suppose, is she can be fun and good to the kids from time to time and the kids know she's crazy, they just don't know how crazy.  So I feel if I can play damage control and keep her from saying horrible things the kids might grow up to be pretty functional.  I have also noticed she favors our son.  Maybe she doesn't.  Maybe he's just easier to get along with.  That is possible....my daughter is more like my wife.  She is confrontational and belligerent and does what she pleases.  She says far more hurtful things to my daughter than to my son.  Maybe she brings it on herself to some extent, but NO CHILD deserves to hear the things my wife espouses whens he's angry.  No husband deserves it either, but I choose it.  I choose it for my children. 

No power! Oh no!

Oh no! The power was out when we woke up today.  It wasn't too bad though. It was nice to spend time talking instead of everyone being absorbed in their tech gadget. I got up and started a fire, we made coffee and cooked some breakfast and sat around visiting like a normal family.  Then I went and split wood, my boy carried it in, my daughter worked on dishes and my wife...well...we sent her off to the store!  It wasn't 30 minutes in and she started being a cunt and telling people she couldn't stand them and no one does what they are supposed too etc etc etc.  So I told her we needed stuff from town, really we just needed the peace and we needed her to go get high.  She came back with everything she was supposed too....reeeeeeking of weed but a much more tolerable person.  I think the weed is making her more angry/irritable though.  When she's not high she's very upset.  Then she goes and gets high and comes back and is OK for a little while.  Then back to the same old same old. Regardless of my wife, it was not a bad day.   I think that we will start doing a weekendly wifi-free time to work as a family and talk as a family.  This was the most I have seen my daughters eyes in a long time because her face is always buried in a phone.  

Preachah Man Asshole

I used to be a preacher man asshole. Tonight reminded me of that. I have always been pretty convicted of what I believed but until I was in my 20's I never really had any trials or hard times...from there it all went to hell, but that is neither here nor there for this blog entry. What is, however, is the fact that I can recall telling people that felt alone and empty that they just needed to basically get their shit together and fill themselves with God.  I know this is actually true, but it was very naive of me to think it was that easy.  I'd never felt the emptiness or loneliness that someone feels that is isolated from friends and in a relationship that is hollow and meaningless.  I'd never been there.  I had always been surrounded by people that were there for me.  They were all really pretty good friends.  As time went on some moved away, some lost touch, some I excised due to my solitary nature, others did me wrong and so it went until I find myself with very few friends and even fewer that I trust with the secretes of my heart.  I have achieved the loneliness and emptiness I had never had.  I have tried to fill that void with illicit friendships in the past, with alcohol, with money, with new people but the fact is, no one can fill this emptiness but God.  He is the friend that will never leave or betray me. At least I make that realization, but now I am on my personal quest to make that real. It's one thing to know it and say it, but it's something entirely different to live it and feel it.  In time, though, I am confident that I will get the peace that passes understanding from God himself.  I just need to keep things moving the right direction and not become self destructive when I am challenged with trials in my life.  

Gen 3

I've been trying to spend more time reading my Bible.  I am a Christian, I try to live it, the last few years have really done a number on me.  To try to get my clarity of mind and spirit back I have been reading my Bible more.  I started trying to read thru the whole Bible in a year, but that was annoying.  You had to read so much in a day and I have very limited time with work and family...then I realize it's not how fast you read it, or the fact you read all the words in a year or anything like that it's that you read it and understand it and understand it's influence on your life.  So I have slowed down and started studying a chapter a night or as time permits.  I try not to exhaust myself but stay interested and understand the point.  Tonight I was reading Genesis Ch 3. I read it lastnight too but there was too much I didn't get answered so I reread it tonight.  This is a crucial chapter in understanding relationships!  The struggle between man and woman started here. Part of the curse that God placed on man for Adam and Eve's disobedience was that woman would desire to have control over her husband but her husband would rule over her and intern man would want to dominate his wife that is constantly trying to get the upper hand on him.  I think that men and woman suffer from this curse to varying degrees or maybe it's just their personalities.  My wife wants desperately to control me and she knows it finally. She used to deny it but now she at least will admit it.  I'm not perfect, but it's not really been a struggle for me to want to lord over my wife.  That said, I will concede that I do not like to be told what to do, be it from my wife or from anyone.  I'm not sure if that is part of the curse or not.  It is fascinating, however, that these struggles between man and woman are a result of the sin committed in the Garden of Eden.  This is a Biblical struggle that has been going on for ages.