Maybe

Looking at my last couple of posts, just from tonight, I see that at first glance they seem incongruent. They in-fact are not.  I don't need anyone, but I do want someone.  I don't ever want to need someone, but I aspire to be able to want to want someone again.  Right now, I still want you and only you my curly haired beauty queen, my best friend. Maybe someday another woman will sweep me off my feet, make me feel loved and complete like you did. Maybe. 

How hard can it be?

My Friend

Even if I don't want to love anyone.  Even if I don't want to care.  Even if I don't want to be with anyone again.  I still miss you.  I will always miss you. You weren't just the love of my life.  You were my friend.  My very best friend.  I miss you dearly.

I don't need nobody

Curious fact I realized today...I don't NEED anyone.  Not yet at least.  I once I'm older, or if I'm ever in a crippling accident things will change.  For now though,  I can do pretty much anything I need done myself.  I can fix stuff, I can cook stuff, I can bake, I can garden, I can hunt, I can shop, I can do laundry, I can mow the yard, I can build/renovate, I can work, I can buy, I can exist on my own.  I wonder what it's like to be in the situation to need someone.  My wife needs me.  I think she can live without me, it's just going to suck.  I also think that the has a needing personality.  I have a very independent personality.  I hope I never have to NEED someone.  I hope I never become needy either.  But I would like to want someone, however, I feel some days (and increasingly so) that I don't ever want to try to love again.  It's such a risky endeavor.  I look at my brother, married three years, now divorced and looking to date again with hopes of getting married.  I don't understand coming out of a toxic relationship that fast and trying to get right back in a relationship.  As someone who is needed, I think that you become dependent on the feeling of being needed, that is my brother.  He wants someone to need him. I disagree, I think we should want someone who wants us.  Wants us for who we are and what we do. Not want us for what we can offer and the life we can improve. That is usery. 

Empty house, full heart

Today my heart was full, it was happy, it had love and enjoyed life.  What was new?  My wife had left this morning and wasn't coming home til evening. I enjoyed time with my son, I cooked and cleaned.  I worked outside and I washed clothes, I was productive, I was loved, my house was peaceful.  It made me glad.  Not just glad for the moment, but glad for my future.  Glad because I know if shit flies apart, it will be OK.  For me, it will be vastly better than it ever was.  I used to fear getting caught talking to people. Not because my conversations were unfit.  Quite the opposite actually, they are very benign.  But my wife would flip her shit regardless.  I cannot communicate with the outside world because then I will know that something other than hell exists.  The truth is, I don't need to communicate with the outside world to know that...she just has to leave for a day and I realize it.  The good news in all this is it was a big step towards me being OK with being alone and not fantasizing about needing someone else to be made happy.  

Murderer of Blue Skies