Throwback

I saw this whilst perusing the world wide web today.  

Made me think about a friend I had...or maybe it didn't make me think about her, maybe she was already on my mind. 

This is a poem I wrote a while back (3/13/12) to try to convey my feelings at that time, which are still pretty accurate to how I feel today truthfully. 

In the darkness lies my love- hidden, smitten, forbidden

In the light lies my life- miserable, contemptible, deplorable

In the darkness is found my Soulmate- faultless, flawless, solace 

In the light is found my Captor- demanding, remanding, commanding

In the darkness is where I find peace and release

In the light is where I find sweat and regret

In the darkness I have found amour

In the light I have found immure

Someday the darkness shall become light and the light darkness

Speed the coming of that day O' Lord!

Someday my love that is hidden will become known

Someday.

Soul to share

I'm sitting in the dark thinking, remembering, yes reminiscing of days gone past.  How is it you don't know, how is it you can't show, how is it you turn your back, how is it you give me this flack.  Three years gone by, wait, no four.  Yet I am still waiting, still searching, and so I will until my body hits the floor.  Your existence makes me a better me, wait, the best.  Even when you walk away and it's no longer in your arms I rest.  It's because you share a part of my soul, and that you don't deny. It's your breath, yes your life that makes my spirit fly. Though I have walked through purgatory, and yes my steps did falter, I am sorry for the wrong I've done, I've gone before the alter.  I hope someday you forgive me and can at least be a friend, but I can assure you, I won't stop trying until the end.

meaningful relationships with meaningless people

Do you think some people are incapable of meaningful relationships? I do.  From my experience, people that have not had the fortune of being raised by loving, meaningful parents, tend to have problems being able to co-facilitate a meaningful relationship. Does this mean they can never have a meaningful relationship? I have no idea.  I wish that were not the case, but so far 10 yrs of data says otherwise in my life.  The interesting part is my wife does seem to be able to have meaningful or relatively meaningful relationships with our children, but it's more of a peer type friendship than a parental type relationship.  Could it just be her general immaturity? Maybe. Interestingly enough a few days ago I was having a conversation with my daughter and laughing and joking and I realized that I could not have that same relationship with my wife because at every turn she refutes it.  Is there hope for me and her?  I am beginning to seriously doubt it.

I am a sepiosexual!

I learned a new word.  Sepiosexual.  That's someone that's attracted to someone's intellect.  Very interesting.  I'm so glad their is a word for that.  Don't get me wrong, I like your regular boobs and butt sexy, but it's worthless to me without a beautiful mind to go with it.  Are you a sepiosexual? If you are, I doubt you're a dumbass.

In love with ideas (3 of 3)

So, having made the two former points, I now want to talk about loving someone or more accurately the idea or essence of someone and relate it to the experience I sorely regret...even though I may not...

We have all fallen in love with the idea or essence of someone.  We do it all the time with movie stars, actors, politicians, professors, people.  This is when you form in your mind, correct or not, an idea of what this person is, who they are, what they stand for.  You ascribe a certain definition to them that you have created and you love this definition.  The truth is, often who they are, is not confined within your definition of them. For this reason we find disappointment and surprise in people we "thought we knew".  Now one step further, how often do we "fall in love" with someone we have only known a few months, weeks or even days?  This is where it gets really crazy to me because I have been there.  But the truth is we are falling in love with not only the idea of a person, but the snap shot of and idea of a person at that single point in their life.  This is grounds for a very volatile relationship.  This is where my relationship with the un-named wonder-woman had gone wrong.  I feel, she was in love with the idea of me, and that idea was correctly portrayed by me, of who I was and had been for the last 26 or 27 years of my life up to that point.  Going thru what I was going thru in life though, I was acting contrary to what I believed and this became evident because of my behavior.  What she saw was a man who said one thing and did another, which is altogether not that uncommon.  But she judged me on a snap shot of the shittiest part of my life and that ended our friendship.  That entire situation has caused me a great deal of mental pain, but it wasn't until recently, thinking thru all that that I realized, maybe she's not as great as I think she was?!  Maybe I judged a snap shot of her, because after all we only knew each other for a month before parting ways.  The snap shot I had of her, I loved and adored, but I never knew anything more than a snap shot.  I would love to some day get to see the whole film and maybe then I would better understand why we both came to the decisions in our lives that we have.  Maybe I would love her less, but I suspect I would only love her more. I wish to God that she stop to see the whole film of my life because I am very confident she would love me more.  It all only serves as a reminder to me, though, to be true to myself and always be who I am in essence and morale because I don't want to be judged for my poor decisions in time of weakness and trial there by suffering the consequences for the rest of my life.  

Snap shot (1 of 3)

This is the first of a series of three thoughts I have been having.  They kinda of build on each other to explain my final thought.  
Have you ever taken a picture of something?  Of course you have.  What about a video?  Which is the truer representation?  In my opinion it is the video because capture things that occur around us, we can't change the back ground quickly or without editing etc.  A picture can be made "picture perfect" because it is a very minute moment in time from one angle so we can make everything perfect for just that instance.  If you make a candid video it's much more difficult to control all dimensions.  So what is the difference?  The difference is time.  A snap shot is taken in a split second where a video is taken over a period of seconds, minutes or hours.  The snap shot if often an idealized representation of what we want people to see or how we want people to interpret that moment.  A video, especially a candid one, often times show how things really are.  Have you ever watched a birthday video from your childhood?  There's usually alot of noise, a few people with unhappy banter, someone crying, someone yelling.  Maybe the child blowing out the candles is being yelled at to hurry up before the wax melts, but when we look at the picture from it, man does it look like a happy time. 

So what does this have to do with my writings?  Well, it's an interesting thought for one, but to take it one step deeper, it's to say, some people have taken snap shots of my life.  Some of them picture perfect, others when I was an absolute mess but please do not judge me by the snap shot, judge me by the video.  The video isn't done yet either.  But over my life I have been a pretty good guy, then for a few years of struggle I have been a pretty horrible guy.  In the end I will be the best guy but I am just now starting to make him. So when you look at others, remember, you are only getting a snap shot of their life.   Take time before you make indelible opinions of them so you know you are judging the video and not the snap shot.  They may look better in the picture, they may look worse, only time will tell.  Give it time. 

Finding yourself (2 of 3)

This thought will be is conjunction with the previous blog and the next one to come so it fits nicely in the middle.  
So here's some observations I have made about finding yourself.  Particularly finding yourself to be something other than yourself.  What I mean is, have you ever done things that weren't "you".  You know, things that violate your moral/ethical standards or just things that are out of character for you.  I definitely have. Matter of fact I have on a relatively regular basis for the last four or five years to be truthful.  So just recently I realized that the things I am doing are not congruent with who I am and I sought to define myself better OR change what I was doing and correct course so to speak.  It is important to be yourself both in essence and action because it confuses those around you as it does yourself.  If you have an ill defined persona/existence then people do not know what to expect.  They don't know what you stand for, why you like/dislike, what you believe and this is frustrating when trying to be involved in a friendship or relationship with someone. The major problem comes when someone who likes/loves you for the essence of yourself rather than the actions or morale of you and vice-versa.  It makes it virtually impossible to have any meaningful and deep long term relationship. 
I was recently reminded of this because of a relationship from the past that I still think about often. I tried to contact that person but was completely shut down.  I have never gotten any closure to our friendship because I did some things that were in-congruent with who she believed me to be and that drove her away.  In all honesty I have not been who she believed me to be for the last few years. What she knew me as is what I was for the prior 27 years.  It is in this moment recently, rereading things she wrote me and evaluating myself I have learned that I was indeed portraying my ethic and morale appropriately but I was not living by what I believed or who I thought I was.  My actions were contradictory to my ethics, beliefs and morale. 
Often times these changes or inconsistencies, I think, are related to traumatic experiences in life.  I am not making excuses for my actions or what I did or didn't do, but I am saying that I think that when someone has behavior that does not line up with what they believe that it is an uncomfortable state for that person too and there is something deeper they are often trying to cover up or make better, they just don't know how.  For me, it was the death of several people in my family, the stress of professional school and a broken home life.  All of which piled on me at once and made my life unmanageable to me.  Furthermore I did not know how to deal with these stresses so I ended up finding out that drinking helped me to ignore them.  For the last three and a half years I have managed to ignore problems in my life.  Subconsciously I knew I was doing things I didn't think were right. I always said to myself in the back of my mind that I would stop and understand it all and learn to emote when I was done with school and able to think introspectively once again. So here we are ladies and gents. Why am I a disembodied soul?  Because I have alienated my soul (ethic/morale) from my persona/actions.  This blog is my attempt to reconnect them and set my life in the direction in which it should go.  Will this mend all my past hurt and wrong doing?  No.  Am I the same person I was 4-5 years ago?  Nope.  But I am trying to unify my spirit with my life so I can sleep at night knowing I am, indeed, who I am.  Are you, who you are?