A good thing

Had a very good thought process today after a long, long and difficult day at work.  Let me start with yesterday.  Yesterday I was at a day-long continuing education conference and my phone is going berserk so I check it and see it's one of my employees.  Now, we are closed on Sunday so I knew it wasn't insanely urgent and work related but I responded to her promptly.  Ended up she fell and was going to need a few days off work to recover.  So amid the conference I arrange to get an employee from our other facility to work and all is good.  Today I got to work and the internet was down.  It was down til noon then we were only able to process claims sporadically the rest of the day.  On top of that my "help" that was filling in was very very slow when the internet was up so it took him almost all day to process claims so we couldn't do much of anything until he was done with that.  It was a long and stressful day.  So I was gathering my stuff up to go and I thought "Should I stop and get some beer?  it's been a rough day-  Nahh, I'll be fine, I'd rather not be intoxicated anyhow." Even when I'm having a bad day I prefer sobriety.  That's a good change of things.  It was a nice affirmation that I am moving in the right direction and learning to better deal with problems.  Even the problem of missing someone you love. 

I miss you

 Hey there...I miss you.  Yeah you.  Just sayin. 

These Days

Don't confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them

Still

What to wear

It's Spring!

It's officially Spring in my world!  What constitutes spring you ask?! The spring peepers of course!  Tonight is the first night I have heard them this year and I am happy to hear their song!  (oops forgot to publish this one last week...been so freaking cold they went dormant again!) 

Be careful

Be careful what you spy, you may not like what you see with your eye
I looked and I saw you, I looked and I saw him and you- yes you two
It stung a little like a bee, It hurt, it was sore like I fell and skinned my knee
I tried to cover it I tried to hide, I tried to run I used great stride
Where ever I went, there you were,  In my mind like the kick of a spur
After some thought, I must confess, I do not own you I do not possess 
I only want you for me, and that is something that will never be
So I'll sit in the corner and cast my glance, I'll live for that moment that I may have a chance
I'll hope and I'll pray, but I'll keep my distance- yes stay away
I'll try to be glad that you are happy, i'll try to smile no matter if I feel crappy
It was my fault for being a spy,  It's my fault, i didn't expect to see a guy
How could I blame you though, after all who wants to go thru life without love to know

Clearly Clarity

Where do you find your clarity?  This was an interesting question posed today that I was giving some thought. I really, honestly used to find my clarity in alcohol.  Or maybe my confusion that made me think I had clarity.  I know that's what I ran to and it was a bad path for me.  I enjoy a beer one in a while now or a glass of wine but I avoid drinking more than a drink or two because I know it's not good for me in any way.  So where do I go now?  I go here.  I write.  I write about my problems, I write about my issues, I write about my cares and concerns and I pretend someone cares.  I pretend someone reads them and I feel like I got it off my chest.  Where do you find your clarity?  Is it healthy?  

I tried...

I try to be prepared.  It's one of my weirdness', I know it is.  I try to be rational though and realize when I am going down a rabbit hole.  What really kinda irks me though, that is someone un-preparing me intentionally.  Not because they want to be unprepared but just because they are that ignorant. I filled a bunch of jugs of water at my house and put them in a vacant cabinet.  When the power went out I went to get a jug and it was gone.  I asked my wife if she knew what happened to them.  She did know.  She dumped them out and threw away the jugs because the water would get old.  It's water.  It's been in the ground.  You are drinking water that has been in the ground for a while and I can't put it in a jug and keep it?  I mean seriously.  Or empty it and refill it.  But no, we had to be unprepared for the power being out.  No water to drink, no way to wash hands, no way to cook/boil.  Seriously.  Just be courteous not ignorant. 

Can I have a little?

Can I have a little of my own stuff to myself in the life?  I have waited so long to be able to do what I want and put things where I want and not constantly have to answer to someone.  I couldn't wait to grow up.  Now I answer to my wife, who might I add, is far worse than my parents.  I can't put things where I want.  I have been in trouble this week for putting a bottle of powder in front of hair supplies on the shelf.  The part the pisses me off the most though, is that I let her get by with being this way.  I am so passive and easy to get along with by nature that I never buck her absurdity.  I never say "well find a new place for your hair stuff". I can't change the temperature on the thermostat or control the temperature in my car or listen to the music I want to listen to when she is around.  I have head phones and tough out whatever temp she wants to be.  Why am I such a push over? My argument though, is I shouldn't have to be a hard ass about things.  I should just be able to compromise, and let her have her way some and me have mine some.  Soon enough she can have her way all the time by her lonesome.  I am growing so tired of her.  

The World

How does the world go on without me?  I feel so freaking important, I get home from work where I have people calling me all day asking me questions and wanting my opinon, and my kids need help with their homework.  I am trying to help both of the at the same time while my mother asks me questions about her patients drug therapy and I think how the hell would the word get along without me?  Well, it would get along just fine.  That's the interesting part.  In my absence someone else would step up, be discovered, get a job etc.  The world revolved just fine before me and it will not stop when I breath my last.  Such is the human life.  We are rarely as important to the world as we perceive ourselves to be.  We are, however, more important to the one we love than we imagine.  We may not mean shit to the world but we mean the world to people, people that love us.  That is what it's all about, not our impact on the world, but our impact on people.  Why is it we as humans have such a hard time grasping that? 

Our Great Depression

Polio Prez

Just because times change doesn't always make it right. Idiocracy, in my opinion, is very right in that society constantly is in a state of degradation.   One of the most interesting things to me is that we had a president, FDR, who had polio and from this was generally confined to a wheel chair.  This, to me, is the societal difference: For FDR a special podium was constructed and braces for his legs such that he could stand while giving addresses and what not.  To me this was honorable and makes sense.  In our current culture I feel pretty confident that we would simply make a podium for a wheel chair to go behind and call it good.  The interesting thing to me about it all, though, is that we were more in tune with the perception of power than we are now.  Now we are more in tune with empathizing with FDR.  The fact is, the president is a powerful man, and he should be portrayed as powerful.  A wheel chair does not convey power and they understood that.  That is the reason they made a special podium for FDR.  Now, all that said, I think that it would be difficult to conceal the fact that the president was wheel chair bound in this day and age.  Technology and cameras of all sorts are just too prolific.  I still feel, if we had a wheel chair bound president, it would be just as important today that he try to find a way to stand for addresses though. The projection of power is important to our world image.  In our empathetic/sympathetic/pathetic culture the projection of power is an art totally lost. 

Soul Music

A fascinating thought I had today as I was jamming out driving down the road is this- Music is an expression of feelings that often times touch us on a spiritual level, it's as if the music can connect with our souls.  At least for me.  So here's my theory, I don't know if it's right or not, but here it goes.  Since music touches my soul, to find another person who the same/similar music touches their soul, they in-turn should have a soul that is similar to mine and therefore increases likelihood of compatibility/soul-matedness.  Conversely a person that has a dissimilar music affinity than mine, would be a poor match for me. So far I have a very small sample size that confirms my theory. 

Continued analysis

In a continued analysis of the Big Lebowski..... I have been giving the movie some thought because to me, cult movies typically have several levels of intellectualism.  Despite the seemingly base humor of the Big Lebowski, it makes some poignant valid points.  The one in particular I was thinking about today is the fact that this entire epic tale, that ultimately ends in the death of Donny (he was out of his element anyways), this entire thing was because the chinaman urinated on the Dude's rug.  It could have all been avoided had the Dude just let is slide.  Had the dude just been able to abide with the chinaman urinating on his rug it would have all been ok (You see, the rug really tied the room together). So the funny business aside, the point is this: you need to learn to just let some things slide.  Sometimes getting all upset over some piss on a rug can cost us dearly.  Sometimes we are wronged in life, but we need to turn the other cheek as Jesus said or learn to abide as the Dude says and just take what we are given and make the best of it demanding nothing from no one other than ourselves.  

Is it just me?

Is it just me or does it seem like every time in the Bible a dude listens to his wife he ends up getting in trouble with God?!  Read Genesis....tell me what you think.

Tales

I don't want that

Interesting thought as well I had today is this: I don't want to be with her.  I don't like being around my wife, I dread it.  When she's home I do very little to nothing that I would normally do if I were alone.  When I am alone I enjoy working out, reading, learning, fixing, keeping up.  When she is home I just sit in my chair and try to hide from her so she doesn't continually ask me to do menial tasks.  I try to avoid her firey tongue by laying low.  This is a sad existence, not just because I am always walking on egg shells with her, but because I don't enjoy life.  Furthermore, I think of my parents from time to time.  Dad LOVES for Mom to go places with him.  Maybe more than she likes him to but she enjoys doing things with him too.  They WANT to be together.  I absolutely do not want to be with my wife.  Period.  Another thing I was thinking about is that I don't intend to stay with my wife much longer, only as long as I can take the abuse and not lose my mind, I will be here for my kids sake.  That said, some day I will cut her loose and this kinda makes me sad.  Not sad because I don't want to let her go, but sad because I always wanted to be that old couple who spent their lives together loving each other and growing old.  I'll be damned if I grow old with my wife, I want OUT.  I know couples that have been married over 70 years and I really wanted that to be me.  Not bad enough to be miserable for the rest of my life though!  

Rediscovery

It's been a lengthy process and I am learning alot daily.  You know, this whole "rebuild yourself" thing isn't just something I can do over night.  Interesting point number one is that I am not entirely building something new.  I remember the direction, drive, dedication, strength, passion and will power I used to have.  I will never be the same, I will never be as pure in mind or spirit. I know I have been changed for the rest of my life in some ways but that's not entirely bad.  I am much wiser having lived and done what I have done and seen what I have seen.  I have more compassion on people because I have been at the bottom and I have been at the top.  I don't take things for granted anymore and I am not arrogant like I used to be.  So what do I want to be or do? Well that's interesting point number two.  I want to be like I was as a young man in that I took the time to read my Bible, I took the time to work out and I took the time to have a little me time.  These are three really important things to helping to restore my strong mental fortitude.

Discovery

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my life and when I started doing what and what led me down the wrong road and it's sad and I never ever like to cast blame because I make my own decisions, no one else does.  I am ultimately responsible for my decisions.  I knew it was a bad decision when I made it, I did, deep down in my heart.  It all started when I married the woman I married.  I used porn 3 times before I got married, I was very adamant that was unhealthy and inappropriate.  My only exposure to alcohol was from my girlfriend at the time, who later became my wife.  Retrospectively she always encouraged me to drink because it eased her conscience as an alcoholic.  I rarely cursed and would NEVER say the Fbomb.  Matter of fact I wouldn't even say something sucked because I felt it was inappropriate.  Maybe I was sheltered, maybe I was just a good guy.  But my corruption all goes back to one point in time and it has since been a slow downward progression (digression?).  At least until this past year when I looked around and said where the heck am I and who is this loser?  It's me.  So I have spent a significant about of time trying to work thru my emotions that I have put off, ignored, jerked off, drank off, cursed off for so many years.  Matter of fact it's now been over a decade that I have put up with my life the way it is.  The more I learn about myself and my actions, the more I reconnect and rebuild the more I see what needs to change and it's one person that has dragged me down for so long.  I have aloud it is the problem.  It's hard to stand strong against someone like that for long and not compromise yourself, especially if you are a people pleaser like I know that I am.  I know things have to change. 

Intellect

Patience is a virtue

Patience is a virtue and I am not yet very virtuous.  I know I have nothing to offer at this point in my life, I have nothing on the table. I really want to connect with you and have affirmation from you but for what?  So I can perpetuate fantasies in my head until I am ready to leave and start a new life? That's inane.  I do not want to leave one woman for another, I want to leave of pure heart and mind with clear conscience. As the Avett brothers say...when you run make sure you run to something and not away from... when I run, I want to run towards good decisions.  That's not saying that pursuing anything with you is not good.  Conversely it's saying that when I run I want to be able to choose you, not be obligated to you because you supported me when my life sucked.  I hope some day we can make amends, just not right now.  I know this and despite the pain and longing for your affirmation I will not push the matter. 

Head Full of Sorrows

Here is the email I typed today to the email address you used to communicate with me from.  Obviously it's been deactivated but I thought I'd post it here so I feel it's off my chest.  

JAM-

I know you darn well may have deactivated this email. I just was going thru some old emails.  Thinking about you and how you made me feel.  I am forever sorry for messing my life up during the time I knew you.  My life still isn't perfect but I have started to rebuild myself.  I just want you to know I was at one time the man you thought I was....it just wasn't when you knew me.  When you knew me was the absolute lowest part of my life.  Anyhow.  I just wanted to try to reach out to you again.  This is really close to the time we met and it breaks my heart every year.  I just want to talk to you again, I hate being shut out of your life.  Even if you don't love me, I want to be friends and talk to you.  I'm so lonely and I know that you really cared. I miss that.  I'm still with my wife, trying to hang in there for the kids sake.  I've gained a lot of mental clarity since getting done with school.  I've graduated and have my doctorate now.  I manage an independent store close to home. I have spent the last year trying to regain my sanity an I have done fairly well at that.  The saner I become though, the more clear it is to me that I am in a very abusive relationship.  Well, I guess I'll stop rambling.  I just want so bad to hear from you.   You know what I love the most about you?  The connection/chemistry we had, the love I felt and reciprocated even before I ever saw you.  It felt so awesome to truly love someone regardless of how they looked.  Anyhow, I really hope you read this.  Know that I love you, I always will.  Please, please if you can find it in your heart please reply.  It's been almost 4 years now since we met and not a day goes by I don't think of you.  I'm begging for your mercy and to just talk to me and be my friend.  

Maimed Heart

The snow has has fallen so white, indoors and under roof I sit tight
Waiting for the weather to break, looking for sunshine even if fake
Something to warm my body, something to make me feel less shoddy
Under the snow lies the grounds fault, secrets hidden under the white vault
Like the walls that we build around our hearts, so no one can get in- no one can even starts
To see us for who we are, to see us with our scars
Like the sunshine melts the snow, slowly but steadily with it's warm glow
So I hope someday for a truest love, one that is righteous and from above
To unbuild my walls brick by brick,  with patients and love even when in the thick
To see my pain yes see my scars, yet love without number like the stars
I long for that love- I do indeed,  The day my maimed heart be freed

Friends

Mindful of time

Help I've been poisoned!

Well I have...in more than one way.  Firstly, my wife poisoned me with mono/Epstein Barr and it has hung on desperately.  I have been pretty sick and on a regular basis for the last 9 months and I can't seem to kick it.  After reading some research I conferred with my PCP and decided to try long term antiviral therapy to reduce the viral load and allow my body time to develop effective immunity against the virus.  For Lent I had been also giving up -OH consumption but I knew that it would be very hard on my liver to consume alcohol and take the antiviral consummately for the next 6 months or more so I decided to have two beers last-night before I start my therapy.  I haven't drank anything for a few weeks now.  This morning I woke up and I felt horrid.  I felt as if I'd been poisoned.  I suppose essentially I had been.  My hemoglobin was filled with -OH molecules rather than O2 molecules but it's always intriguing to me how bad alcohol will make you feel when you're not accustomed to drinking it.  If you drink it regularly you become used to it and don't even know the torture your body is going thru.  

The Dude Abides part 2

So as I lay down to sleep last-night after writing I was thinking about how the Dude abides.  The Dude abides by adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep is mind, you know, uh, limber.  So what is that I do to be able to abide like the Dude?  I have to be able to turn over my anxiety and my problems to God, to let go and know that someone higher than me is taking care of my crap.  This is a much better mechanism for abiding, yet it is much more difficult to do! To abide with a clean heart and a clear mind is tough, but it is possible I suppose and that is what I strive for. 

The Man In Me

The Dude Abides

Tonight I watched one of your favorite movies.  The Big Lebowski.  It did my heart good.  Not because of you, or memories of you but because of the lessons in the stupid movie.  I love this movie because it's so multifactorial.  You can take it at the base level stupid funny or you can see into it deeper and one of the most important points I think is at the end where The Dude is talking to the narrator and he says "The Dude Abides".  Some people just think it's a cool/fun statement but it's so much more. To abide means to "accept" or "act in accordance with".  So what The Dude in essence is saying is he accepts or acts in accordance.  It doesn't matter what happens, how much crap goes down, he accepts it and acts in accordance.  This is the zen life I strive for.  I don't control the crap that falls on me.  It's not mine to choose what happens and what doesn't.  It is simply mine to accept it and to live accordingly such that I am fulfilled.  So tonight, as I think about you, the things that went down and the crap I was dealt, or that I myself dealt; I find comfort knowing that I, like The Dude, can simply abide.   

Balance

There is a balance to everything that goes on in life. Where there's a high, there's a low.  Where there's an ebb there's a flow.  Where there's a stop there's a go.  Everything has it's converse and it's adverse.  There is balance to what goes on in the world.  You were my good and I was your bad, we met and caused dissolution into mediocrity.  I hope that someday you will find me again and we will have a more balanced dance of life.  One that is of reciprocity that can endure.  I miss you my love.  You hold my heart. 

Political BullCrappery

This is how I feel about the current state of politics.  

My Love

I am moving in on the time I met my love.  I know it was this time of year because I remember it was Lent, but it was an odd year because the way the weeks fell it was actually in early March.  She gave up dark chocolate for Lent...she lasted 4 days.  The irony I never noticed, but I just realized now and it really compels me because if was very coincidental (or not) is that I met my love shortly after the beginning of Lent and I botched my life up by the end of the Lent.  She ran from me shortly there after.  This time of year always reminds me of her.  It also reminds me of how I need to align myself with what I believe and try to live it rather than just talk it.

Lent

I'm not Catholic...the woman I love is.  That is not why I try to honor Lent though.  I honor it because Jesus is my savior and I think it's something good and noble the Catholics do.  My indulgence that I am trying to fast from is cursing.  It's one of my less awesome characteristics and it's tough to break.  Having that thought in my mind though makes it ever fresh in my mind how human I am which is a good reality check for me.  I have worked hard to be who I am and do what I do and I'm pretty good at alot of things.  Sometimes I forget that I am imperfect and need saved from myself and my imperfection.  I have definitely not been able to keep my Lent fast from cursing but I renew my commitment every time I curse. 

Notes

It's funny, I write notes to myself about things I want to write about.  I try to make them ambiguous so my wife doesn't understand them if she reads them.  I mean, who the heck leaves notes on their phone that say "I can't freaking stand my wife".  Not this guy I tell ya that much.  It's kinda funny though, I feel so strongly about things and write just one or two words about it my thought and if I do it while I am still passionate about that thought then I remember it.  If I wait until the passion and fire is gone I forget all about it.  That's not a bad thing really.  It means it's gone from my concern and I've moved on without dwelling on my hurt or being wronged.  Maybe I need to write better notes, or maybe I just need to enjoy the fact that I can move on without complaining!  

Irony

Well, this post was originally to be entitled "thanks for thinkin" and was dedicated to my wife's lack of thought.  It was spurred by how I always get her an entire small pizza of her favorite pizza when I am at this one restaurant.  Never has she even brought me left overs when she goes out to eat.  It's frustrating because no only do I think of her, but she says I "never think of her".  The good news is, for the very first time in the 12 years we have been together, 10 of which we have been married, she got me something I actually liked for my birthday.  This is so significant to me, but I am still skeptical she thought it up on her own.  It is significant because it shows she does know me a little bit.  Now, the sad part is, you'd know I'd love a RHCP tshirt from simply reading my blog.  She lives with me and it took her that long to figure it out. I will let her have this win though, and I will be grateful, very grateful that she has gotten me something I like.  It's meaninful because it gives me a sad glimmer of hope that she is becoming more in touch with me.  

Rejection

I know why our dissolution bothers me so bad.  It's because you are the ONLY relationship or friendship I have EVER had that when we went separate ways it was not mutual nor did I have any say in it.  It is the feeling of rejection and I have never felt that before.  That is why my pain for you is so different.  I wish we could still be friends if nothing more.  I miss your emails, your humor and conversation.  You were a good friend my love. 

Memory lane

Oh crap! I put my finger on it while I was out driving.  I went for a drive because that's what I used to do to clear my head before I took up some other worse pass-times to get things out of my mind.  This is it.  My memory.  My memory is back.  It's weird. I am certain of it and I'm afraid what it will bring.  Somewhere in the midst of all my bullshit I went thru and the bullshit I made for myself I stopped remembering.  I have always had an exceptional memory up to the time I moved out and my grandparents died I got a DUI and you left me.  When all that shit hit the fan I lost that ability to remember and to feel.  This year I started to feel again because I finally, after three years bucked up and started working thru my problems and feelings revolving around all that. Two day ago at work was the first day I noticed it was back.  I remembered names of patients and what drug they got and what the situation was around their transaction.  I thought it odd and took note but figured it was a fluke.  I didn't remember the past, only recent past.  Then today it hit me hard.  I remember the past, I remember it all, I remember who I was (or wasn't) and what I did, places I went.  I remembered people, I remembered emotions, I remembered it all.  And I remembered you.  Clearer than before and I remembered my love for you.  The only thing pure and genuine in me during that time I do believe.  That's the pain I am feeling. I remember my grandparents, the trip to the hospital when my grandmother died, I remember the funerals and I remember my school not believing me because their deaths were so close together.  The bastards wanted obituaries.  I remember it all.  I remember going to the bar and drinking it all away, I remember driving down the road and the blue lights, I remember the cell, I remember it was right before Easter.  I remember it all and it hurts.  I also remember good things. I remember how you liked me to call you and I rode my motorcycle to the top of a hill near my family farm just so I could get a chance to talk to you on the phone.  I miss your voice and how kind you were.  I miss your humor I miss your smile, I miss your words I miss it all.  This is my pain today but it's a good pain because tonight I remember and I had something that few ever will have even if I did squander it like a drunken fool. Did I learn my lesson? You bet.  But you are irreplaceable.  The only thing I can do is teach my children better than I have lived and hope they don't have to find out for themselves and feel the pain that I am basking in tonight. 

Sorrow fills my heart

Wow! I never expected this...even if I did I didn't expect it to be THIS level of sorrow.  I am trying to understand my feelings and thoughts...I am so overwhelmed.  Furthermore I have learned I write when I'm sad or upset, I don't feel a need or desire to write when I am doing OK.  I have been trying to keep myself busy and I have been feeling better but today is just too much!  Why? Well, I went back.  "I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved" That is for you Princess Bride fans out there.  So I am back in the town I lived in when I met you.  I drove past the house I lived in.  I remember laying on the bed and crying after I was a douche and got a DUI and broke your heart because I was out of control with my drinking.  I drove past places and they cut me to the heart.  I remembered parties and being drunk in countless places.  I remembered the path I started down and I remembered you, how you turned me around before I brought about my own complete destruction.  Or did you? Maybe my complete destruction was you leaving me.  After all, I am still lamenting the loss of you sorely.  This is pain I haven't felt in so long.  This time is different though and thank God for that! This time I'm not drinking it off, this time I'm not friending it off, this time I'm not porning it off, this time I'm not riding it off. This time I am thinking it out, understanding, emoting.  This time I'm feeling the pain and what comes with it.  This time I'm working thru it.  I drove past the shop my friend worked at and he died.  I didn't keep driving this time, I stopped in the feel the vacancy he left.  I went to the mound I used to sit on drunk and enjoy the magic of the city, I went there sober and the magic was gone.  I went past the places we had met and conversed and I thought of you and how we were and how we will never be.  You loved me when I hated me, you made me who I am today.  You ran the right way and I followed you.  I but now you elude me, you want nothing to do with me but that's OK I guess, it's your preference and nothing more I can do.  Now I simply write to your spirit, the essence of that which you are. Hoping, praying someday you forgive me and find me again.

No title

Hollow and empty is my soul today, Tired of fighting, tired in every way.  Why is it so hard to get along, is it not easier than fighting?  I can't believe the petty things that we fight over, I try not to but you make them into something much larger than it is.  Maybe it is much larger than I know.  Maybe there's something I'm missing that's begun to grow.  Maybe you're hiding something, maybe you don't love me, maybe you're hiding your feelings or maybe you're just that crazy bitch that my gut says that you are.  Maybe I need to leave before I get another scar.  Sick of this life, sick of being empty, sick of being so full of love with no one to accept it.