It's easier to sell things you have

An epiphany, that is rather stupid, but true, it's it's easier to sell things that you have.  I had a few items that we hadn't normally stocked I started carrying because I had enough requests for them.  It's interesting because we sell them since we stock them.  When we special ordered them often times they would go bad or never get picked up and have to sent back.  If we have the item WHEN the patient wants it, they will buy it.  This all goes to say that you need to have what you're selling in life.  If you sell yourself as a good successful person no one wants to wait for you to stop being a douche and become one.  That is in essence what I did previously in my life.  I was a good person and on the right track but rapidly losing my way, when I became friend with the woman I love, and sold myself as what I had been, and what I now have become, but at that time what I was not.  She didn't want to wait for a special order man she wanted a real legit man that was a good successful man at that time, not in 3 years.  Well three years later, here I am, sorry as hell. 

Jedi Mind Tricks

I have many conversations on the phone every day.  One thing I have quickly learned is how to take control of the conversation and it's quite funny.  When I'm transcribing orders nurses just like to blurt everything out fast as they can so I always ask them questions in order I want the information and when I'm asking questions it gives me time to write.  The funniest thing though, and this goes back to my "parrot talk" blog article a while back, is that people almost always say the same thing you say in either greeting or closure.  I swear I could say "fuck you, enjoy your day" and they would reply the same thing.  No matter what I say, or how I change my phrase of closure they almost inevitably repeat it back.  It kinda reminds me of the Jedi mind tricks that Obi-Wan would do on Star Wars. I can say what I want them to say and the just repeat it back.  It's so funny. 

History Repeats

History repeats itself, or so I have been told.  I have many of the same genetic propensities and proplexities that my mothers family had.  I will be point blank with you about some things now.  My grandfather's father killed himself when my grandfather was just young.  It really left a mark on my grandfather in how he deals with reality and death. The irony is, it was always said that his father was driven crazy by his mother and he just couldn't deal with her anymore.  From what I know this is pretty accurate.  The part where history comes in, is sometimes I have a hard time dealing with my wife and my life...actually just my wife.  Life isn't bad at all she just makes me crazy with her nagging and bitching constantly day in and day out and her dissatisfaction even when I go above and beyond what anyone in her life has ever done for her.  Some days I think I want to just end it all.  The good news is, I am a student of history to some extent.  I see the scars that this fate left on my grandfather, I know these would be the scars my son would wear for the rest of his life.  I have determined that if it ever gets so serious I feel I need to take my life to get relief from the life I live I will show her the door.  Take the time to know your family, genetics are very strong and situations are not always so different over the ages know what problems may arise and how you will handle them to correct history and maybe make something a little better for your family in the future. I always say, history repeats herself- because no one listened. 

The death of an asshole

One of my very first times working the job I have now I had a very angry and rude patient yell and threaten me while pointing his finger in my face.  He was such an asshole I couldn't stand it but I apologized for nothing I did wrong.  It was infact, his mistake, but I took the blame.  He was the first, and one of the only patients that I have ever thought "I can't wait til this asshole dies and I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore".  That's a horrible thing to say but he really made me that mad.  Well, that was a little over a year ago, and today, he died.  Yes, and asshole died today, but it was not the asshole you think I'm talking about.  It's me.  You see, over the course of the year I learned that he was angry and upset because he didn't understand things.  People didn't explain them in ways he could understand them, he didn't read well, he didn't do math well, he never finished highschool.  He actually became one of my patients that would only talk to me about things because he trusted me and I explained things in ways he could understand them.  When I heard the news today I was devastated because he and I had developed a close patient/provider relationship and I had grown to like him.  Then the words that I muttered under my breath came back to me.  It stung because I meant them then, but I wish I could take them back now.  No one else knows what I said to myself or thought, but I knew.  It pained me I ever had felt that way towards my patient no mater how rude or mean he was to me.  I have learned over the years that often times rudeness is a cover up.  It's to protect those people from hurt because they are vulnerable in one way or another. Today an asshole died, it was not a patient but me.  I put to death the asshole that would ever think something so mean about another human. I put him to death and I won't miss him.  RIP RLS.

Now I remember!

Now I remember why I don't care!  I was off work today and didn't go anywhere so I thought ya know what, I'm cooking dinner and doing all the dishes.  She will be happy and it will be cool.  WRONG.  I cooked a descent meal.  I made a pot roast with veggies.  I baked biscuits and made creme brulee.  I washed all my dishes from cooking, made fresh coffee and washed all the dishes after dinner.  The only difference was when she was a bitch towards me she would apologize.  So I would endure an hour of bitchy, then hug and apologize, then bitch, then apologize.  I remember though, I remember how hard I used to try to make her happy, this was a solid reminder of those days.  I will be truthful, these days I don't try to make her happy and this is why.  You can work really hard and get the same freakin results as doing nothing or doing whatever you wanted all day.  You cannot serve her and get the satisfaction of making someone happy or feel special.  She's a complicated individual.  Father God in heaven I wish I could have someone that appreciated my efforts!! Please!

Snowed

It's been a few days since I have had a chance to write.  Seems that being snowed in with the wife prevents me from having any time to myself for therapeutic writing. Speaking of snowed, isn't it so neat? Your yard can look like shit but a foot of snow makes it look perfect! You can even have stuff under the snow like bicycles and lumber and it looks fine.  It reminds me of Jesus.  He hides all the shit inside us from God so we can be together.  But that doesn't mean we don't have to clean the yard still.

If I had...

If I had the money I have today, but had it yesterday, when I did not have the brains or wisdom that I have today, then would I have made it until tomorrow?  Hell no. 

I wish I had the strength of yesterday and the knowledge of today, the money of today and I wish it would all last until tomorrow.

Instead I have weakness today, and money, and wisdom and knowledge, but not the health to enjoy.

I used to have health a plenty and money sparse and not have an once of sense to me.  

Sick of the waiting

Tired of the yelling, tired of the hating
Sick of the bullshit and sick of the waiting

I long for the day that I will be free
Free from her so that I can be me

Tired of accusations, tired of poor relations
Ready for change and ready for elations

I know I will some day soar, yes fly
Free from this woman, free to be a guy

A guy that lives, a guy that loves
A guy that is strong and rises above

Above the abuse, above the pain
Above the scars and above the disdain

Disdain for life, disdain for you
Disdain for trying things anew

Why can't we just get along

Today has been a rough day.  I've been sick for days and I'm so wore out.  It was my scheduled day off so I ran errands.  I met my wife and kids for dinner, my wife and I had our usual spat of something incredulously stupid.  I determined tonight she is like her mother and yells or speaks in an exasperated tone almost all the time.  I am not sure of they are constantly exasperated or not, but they always sound that way.  So generally when I respond I tend to be a bit short/exasperated back because I feel her tone is not warranted.  I know I should do better and I'm going to try to do better and not argue as much with her and try to be calmer but I have done that for years and it's not had great results either. I just need out!  The worst of it all, is she thinks our relationship is OK.  It's not great but she think it's stable.  Stable my ass!  I need mental rest from her.  I need to get some of my debts paid down so I can find her a house ASAP. 

Someone more good than I

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with one of my friends about their aunt who had adopted a boy from another country.  The boy ended up having health problems and for a while they weren't sure they were going to make it.  Well, this same aunt is looking to adopt another child from another foreign country.  This child has some serious known health problems.  I thought to myself "what a martyr, they are doing this just to ease their conscience" but you know what dawned on me today as I thought about all this?  Maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there in the world that is genuinely more good than I am.  It's interesting to me, yet not entirely surprising, that I am so egocentric and think so highly of myself that I can't imagine there are people that good in this world.  I can understand adopting a child from another place but logically I don't understand why you would adopt one with known health issues.  But "logically" is the problem, this is a matter of their hearts and sometimes I frankly don't have much of one.  I am pretty jaded sometimes.  I do have a heart, but sick children I guess is not my calling.  The elderly, ignorant, disabled and underprivileged are more of my calling.  Just because I don't understand someone else's calling though doesn't make it any less good, genuine or important.  Because I don't understand what the other hand of the body of Christ is doing, I don't simply cut it off or mutilate it or run it down.  I am not to judge and my conscience has convicted me that I was judging and this is not my place.  I respect them and their calling, I hope that my eyes have been opened to my hypocrisy and that I become a better man for it. 

JAM

If you were still talking to me....yeah, that's you there JAM....tonight we would talk about a band I'm totally trippin on.  Their name is Moscow Radio and they rock my socks.  They are an old school kinda band, they have that rockin 70's psychedelica sound.  You'd love them I'm sure. 

Make your name matter

In recent events we lost a pet and my wife posted an unreasonably large reward on social media.  She does not have the money to pay the reward were someone to produce the pet.  The options are: I would have to pay it and skip paying some bills and really stretch the budget OR she would have to make minuscule payments for a very long time OR she would have to sacrifice her reputation and say "JK thanks for finding our pet!".  I can promise you I'm not paying it because I did not promise it and I will not sacrifice my family's financial security for a poor decision on my wife's part.  If I were willing to do that I'd let her control the money.  We see where that got us before...  So all that to say, what about your name?  Are you the kind of person that when you say "if you find my pet I'll give you a thousand bucks" and people listen and expect that to happen or are you the flake that people think ohh here he/she goes again.  Make your name matter, protect your reputation, when your heart makes a decision, confer with your brain before acting.  You were give a heart and a brain for a reason.  They are to work in concert with one another, neither is to be ignored.  Be a person of integrity.  God knows the world needs more of them. 

The Comfort in Discord

I was discussing a TV show tonight with my wife that I quit watching.  I quit watching because every episode has a nerve wracking argument in it.  It really bothers me, perhaps I'm sensitive to it because I have never had this in my life.  We have always tried to be civil in my family and I don't welcome argument.  My wife's family has always yelled and argued about everything.  I told my wife I can't stand to watch the show because of the arguing.  My wife said she's just happy someone made a show she can connect with that's not extremely sad. Well I find it extremely sad people connect with such a dysfunctional and discordant show.  Yikes! 

Soulless

Something I want, I really desperately want as freaking stupid as it sounds is this: Someone that loves music and shares some musical taste in common with me.  Growing up I never realized how much music was a part of my family.  We could never play shit, since then that has changed for some of us (not so much me!) but we listened to alot of music together and enjoyed concerts together.  Now I go up to visit mom and dad and watch concerts with them on youtube via big screen and it's great.  My wife makes me plug into my headphones because she doesn't like my music and prefers to watch TV.  TV does not touch my soul...but then again, maybe that's all I want in a partner a friend.  Someone with a soul. 

Late for the Sky

Blessings can curse

I have a good sense of smell.  I don't particularly care for it some days.  This past week I had a patient that I was giving a shot and he smelled BAD.  Today I had a patient that reeked of pot.  As I sit here and share a living room with my wife I can smell the strong odor of alcohol.  All these are smells that bother me.  I thought to myself: self, my sense of smell is no blessing at all.  Then I quickly recanted.  I thought how bad I hate it when I am stuffy and then I thought of the good smells that I love. Some days our blessings are also our curses.  Some days it's a curse to be intelligent and I wish I could just go thru life ignorant and oblivious.  Other days I am thankful for my enlightenment.  Take the good with the bad and enjoy what you've been given despite it's draw backs, this is what I have learned today. 

Servants Hands

Thanks for stopping in! See you next time you need me! Seriously.  The only time I see my mother-in-law is when she wants something.  Today she came to visit my wife so I could change her brakes.  Did she thank me?  Nope.  She did ask me the check the antifreeze while I was at it. Ha!  Seriously though, I don't mind helping people.  It would have been nice to have been asked or given the opportunity to help. That is one of my biggest peves about asking someone to do something.  I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for help, but I do think you should hint a little or mention it to give someone the opportunity to decide to help you before you ask.  An example of this would be my uncle who says "I'm going to work up some fire wood this weekend".  Well, in my heart I know he's not well enough to work up so I feel compelled in my heart to help him.  So I offer my help and he accepts.  My mother-in-law shows up with the parts and says "I need you to fix my brakes".  All self sacrifice has been removed for me.  The only thing I can do at this point is do it or refuse.  Had I been given the opportunity to feel that I had a choice in the matter, I would have felt good about what I did rather than annoyed.  But I am annoyed because although I did all the work and it was all the same it was out of obligation and not love.  Give people the opportunity to serve.  Maybe they have a servants heart and you just don't know it.  You can learn quite a bit about people if you sit back and observe a little. 

The Beginning is Near

Mine

When evening falls and darkness is on the horizon
When the canvas is dropped and the stars brighten

When the moon hangs low and looks as a crescent
When my heart has a longing that is incessant

I think of the thing that we had 
I think of how I miss you so bad

I think of the ways I screwed up
I wish you knew twasn't my cup

I acted out of and I acted wrong
I hurt you when I wasn't strong 

Please look my way just one more time
Give me one last chance to make you mine

Sick of being sick

My goodness I'm sick of being sick!  My cohabitator gave me mono this summer and it's been kicking my ass ever since.  I got over it initially but I have had two flareups since getting it and this is one of them.  It's rough.  It's hard to not be mad at her either since she got it "sharing a cigarette" with a friend.  She has horrible health/hygiene habits and it's frustrating because I end up with her problems because of nothing I do beyond kissing my wife.  Well she can kiss my ass.  I'm sick of being sick. 

I am thankful I am thankful

In my endevor to become more thankful, last night I tried to think of things I was thankful for about my wife and there was really nothing I could come up with which is sad.  Some of it could have been my mood because she had done a few things yesterday that disheartened me but this morning I was able to pick out two characteristics of our relationship I was thankful for. 
The characteristics of my wife that I am thankful for today are 1) her humor.  she does have a good sense of humor when she's in the mood for it...or rather, she has MY sense of humor.  She gets my quirky jokes and can laugh about the same things.  That's a good connection we have when the moons align and I really am thankful for that.  That's one of the things that attracted me to her in the beginning.  2) She was doing a good job helping our son with his homework this morning.  She's horrible at helping him with his math but today it was his geography and she did a good job.  She's not always patient, but today she was patient with him.  So I am thankful that I was able to be thankful because when I went to bed I sure didn't feel like there was much to be thankful for in my relationship.  I'll keep my eyes open for other instances! 

Hidden

What is it I hold, what is it I got
From a the time that we were together
Til the that time we were not
It is small, it is simple and only time can take
It is something special I hold dear
It is something so real something not fake
What is it I hold, what is it I got
It is in my mind oh so fresh
It is hidden away in that secret spot
It is my memories of you
It is the thoughts that we shared
It is adoration that is ever new
No one will know
No one will see
Love that did grow
My love for thee

Did I mention

Did I mention I'm going to go see a coupe of these dudes this spring? 

The Child in our Minds

Anomaly

Generally speaking I try to keep a fairly intellectual, honest and original blog filled with my own thoughts and things I find interesting.  I stumbled on this quote though and it was too funny and true not to reshare.

Give me hope

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
Cause oh they gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise we'll be alright

But hold me still, bury my heart on the coals
And hold me still, bury my heart next to YOURS

No thanks

I was reading an interesting though recently.  The premise of it was this: negative, entitled, sour people are not thankful, conversely, joyful/happy people are thankful.  Thankfulness is the crux of being joyful.  This makes sense to me.  I am not a extremely negative person in most respects (I am in some I know), but I try to see the positive. One of my co-workers is always complaining of his job and isn't happy in it.  We have very similar jobs and work for the same guy.  I on the other hand had some rough experiences working for bigger corporations and I am very thankful for my job.  I thank my boss (and God) still (even though it's been over a year I've been with him).  This job has been has been a huge blessing to me and exceeded my expectations in so many ways.  I am happy to be at work and do what I do and work for who I work for.  The only thing that is different from me and my friend is that I am thankful because of where I have been and what I have experienced.  He is not thankful, and from it he feels bitter towards our Boss.  This is one simple example, but it's a real life lesson for me because I understand this on a personal level it helps me to see it's value on a greater plane.  I have made it my goal to try to think of one thing a day I am thankful for, however simple it may be, and try to thank those involved and thank God.  I hope that I in-turn will become more joyful.  Maybe even I can be as brave as to try to incorporate this into my marriage.  As hard as I have it, or think that I have it, there are still things I am thankful for in my marriage and I need to try to express that and hopefully that will help me have more joy there as well.  

Help

Do you remember when people helped each other?  Some areas/cultures it was longer ago than others. For me, being from a rural area it wasn't all that long ago.  Yesterday after work my truck wouldn't start.  I cranked on it for over half an hour before it would start (damned diesels).  People walked right by me.  A car pulled in, parked to text and such for a while as I cranked.  People came and went to the gas station.  No one ever even came over to offer help.  Finally one of my employee's husbands showed up in response to my plea for help text.  We got it running and everything which was good, but it was a very very discouraging moment.  The people in the community just ignored someone who needed help.  I don't know how many times I've gone and OFFERED help (no one had to ask).  Furthermore, literally half of the town knows me personally because of my job and I have done favors on my own time for many of them.  I know I have too high of expectations of people in general.  I admit that's a problem.  None-the-less in a small community I would think that people would be willing to help, not even a stranger, but a person they all know.  Shame on you small town I work in! 

Now, for those of you with generous hearts that may read this, take it with a grain of salt.  Some of us are overly kind hearted and will help strangers.  Beware of who you help and when.  Times are indeed changing and I have known people to get hurt or robbed while trying to help strangers and passers thru in our area and others.  But if you KNOW the person, for goodness sake help them!  

Being a better driver...

My son was intently playing his driving simulator on his tablet today for quite some time. My daughter asked what he was doing.  He said he was practicing driving so when he really starts driving he won't be as bad of a driver as his mom! BAHAHAHAH  Even the 9 year old realizes she sucks at driving!  Priceless. 

Naivety

I have a peculiar naivety about me for being the skeptical realist I am.  Perhaps that indicates I'm not as much of a skeptic nor a realist as I perceive myself to be.  That's really not the topic I want to discuss though.  I don't understand how the same old shit can happen and I still get blindsided.  I would guess that's how I survive.  I forget that just yesterday she was a bitch to everyone, wake up, hope it's going to be a new day.  Once in a while she throws me a bone and we have a descent day as a family.  She's been a crank for the last few days but nothing drastic or hurtful.  This morning I was reminded why I don't leave and why I can't leave.  Our daughter started to do something her mother asked her not to do, then when questioned she tried to defend what she was doing and my wife went into retard mode.  She started yelling, telling my daughter she can't stand to ever be around her.  I stopped her before she could say anything else hurtful.  It made her mad at me but I don't give a damn, that's my job.  I will defend these kids from her painful darts til my dying breath.  It was a good reminder that I am still needed here.  I wish my wife were able to see and hear the hurtful things she says for what they are.  I don't understand them either.  What mother says that to her daughter?  Her own flesh and blood?  What the hell would she have said if I hadn't stopped her?  What's the long term effects of this on my kids?  The only good part of it all, I suppose, is she can be fun and good to the kids from time to time and the kids know she's crazy, they just don't know how crazy.  So I feel if I can play damage control and keep her from saying horrible things the kids might grow up to be pretty functional.  I have also noticed she favors our son.  Maybe she doesn't.  Maybe he's just easier to get along with.  That is possible....my daughter is more like my wife.  She is confrontational and belligerent and does what she pleases.  She says far more hurtful things to my daughter than to my son.  Maybe she brings it on herself to some extent, but NO CHILD deserves to hear the things my wife espouses whens he's angry.  No husband deserves it either, but I choose it.  I choose it for my children. 

No power! Oh no!

Oh no! The power was out when we woke up today.  It wasn't too bad though. It was nice to spend time talking instead of everyone being absorbed in their tech gadget. I got up and started a fire, we made coffee and cooked some breakfast and sat around visiting like a normal family.  Then I went and split wood, my boy carried it in, my daughter worked on dishes and my wife...well...we sent her off to the store!  It wasn't 30 minutes in and she started being a cunt and telling people she couldn't stand them and no one does what they are supposed too etc etc etc.  So I told her we needed stuff from town, really we just needed the peace and we needed her to go get high.  She came back with everything she was supposed too....reeeeeeking of weed but a much more tolerable person.  I think the weed is making her more angry/irritable though.  When she's not high she's very upset.  Then she goes and gets high and comes back and is OK for a little while.  Then back to the same old same old. Regardless of my wife, it was not a bad day.   I think that we will start doing a weekendly wifi-free time to work as a family and talk as a family.  This was the most I have seen my daughters eyes in a long time because her face is always buried in a phone.  

Preachah Man Asshole

I used to be a preacher man asshole. Tonight reminded me of that. I have always been pretty convicted of what I believed but until I was in my 20's I never really had any trials or hard times...from there it all went to hell, but that is neither here nor there for this blog entry. What is, however, is the fact that I can recall telling people that felt alone and empty that they just needed to basically get their shit together and fill themselves with God.  I know this is actually true, but it was very naive of me to think it was that easy.  I'd never felt the emptiness or loneliness that someone feels that is isolated from friends and in a relationship that is hollow and meaningless.  I'd never been there.  I had always been surrounded by people that were there for me.  They were all really pretty good friends.  As time went on some moved away, some lost touch, some I excised due to my solitary nature, others did me wrong and so it went until I find myself with very few friends and even fewer that I trust with the secretes of my heart.  I have achieved the loneliness and emptiness I had never had.  I have tried to fill that void with illicit friendships in the past, with alcohol, with money, with new people but the fact is, no one can fill this emptiness but God.  He is the friend that will never leave or betray me. At least I make that realization, but now I am on my personal quest to make that real. It's one thing to know it and say it, but it's something entirely different to live it and feel it.  In time, though, I am confident that I will get the peace that passes understanding from God himself.  I just need to keep things moving the right direction and not become self destructive when I am challenged with trials in my life.  

Gen 3

I've been trying to spend more time reading my Bible.  I am a Christian, I try to live it, the last few years have really done a number on me.  To try to get my clarity of mind and spirit back I have been reading my Bible more.  I started trying to read thru the whole Bible in a year, but that was annoying.  You had to read so much in a day and I have very limited time with work and family...then I realize it's not how fast you read it, or the fact you read all the words in a year or anything like that it's that you read it and understand it and understand it's influence on your life.  So I have slowed down and started studying a chapter a night or as time permits.  I try not to exhaust myself but stay interested and understand the point.  Tonight I was reading Genesis Ch 3. I read it lastnight too but there was too much I didn't get answered so I reread it tonight.  This is a crucial chapter in understanding relationships!  The struggle between man and woman started here. Part of the curse that God placed on man for Adam and Eve's disobedience was that woman would desire to have control over her husband but her husband would rule over her and intern man would want to dominate his wife that is constantly trying to get the upper hand on him.  I think that men and woman suffer from this curse to varying degrees or maybe it's just their personalities.  My wife wants desperately to control me and she knows it finally. She used to deny it but now she at least will admit it.  I'm not perfect, but it's not really been a struggle for me to want to lord over my wife.  That said, I will concede that I do not like to be told what to do, be it from my wife or from anyone.  I'm not sure if that is part of the curse or not.  It is fascinating, however, that these struggles between man and woman are a result of the sin committed in the Garden of Eden.  This is a Biblical struggle that has been going on for ages.  

Facebook Dama

I don't do Facebook because I don't really like drama.  I have an alias account I use to keep in contact with a fist full of people that are important to me and that's it.  I don't read the bullshit or get into the arguments.  I have no desire, it gets me on edge.  I am a very too-myself and peaceful person.  My wife is not.  I really dislike it when she brings the Facebook drama right to me and spoon feeds it to me.  I can't tell her I dislike it though because it's some of the very little communication we have and I am trying to foster better communication and being able to share anything.  The problem is  we don't like the same things!  How is it I couldn't see past my dick to realize we were so different.  She gives me daily highlights of who said what on Facebook and her responses.  At the end of my daily Facebook update tonight I told her "that sounds like a lot of drama, maybe you should just quit Facebook"  she said "ohh no!  I enjoy being able to tell people what I think." That's kinda an interesting statement to me.  Why do you enjoy telling people what you think?  I don't enjoy telling people what I think unless they ask what I think.  I don't need to broadcast my thoughts.  I broadcast to some extent on this blog, but I know my audience is very small and limited and furthermore it's more about just venting and throwing ideas than trying to prove I'm right, or my cause is the right cause to be behind etc.  It is what it is though.  I can either listen or not, it's all about how bad I want to foster communication with her.  

Nobody's Fault (But Mine)

Aging

Nature At Work

A few nights ago I got to see a few cool things.  One night I saw a coyote that had killed a rabbit.  It was running across the road and up the hill on my way home.  Then two days later I saw a baby bobcat eating off a deer carcass along side the road on my way home.  It was neat to be so intimately involved with nature if even for a brief moment.  It's amazing how cyclic nature is.  Death is a part of life and survival.  We as humans have sanitized the cycle of life so much with the advent of supper markets and fast food.  That is not how we were intended to live.  We were meant to live, we were meant to kill, we were meant to grow, we were meant to survive by being one with nature and a part of the natural cycle of life.  When you remove yourself from life and death and being a part of nature you begin to lose your respect for life.  

Relapsing

I am having a rough night. I really want someone to love me.  I feel so alone, I feel like no one cares.  I miss my love. I miss the feeling there was hope.  I miss caring and being cared for.  I'm feeling very lonely tonight.  

Ten Year Gone

So last night was a horrible throw back to the very beginning of my marriage.  This is one of the biggest struggles I have had with my wife:  I cannot have a conversation with her.  Before I can finish a story she erupts into being mad at me about something absurd.  Last night I started a story about something I saw on instagram.  I didn't even get to tell my story, as soon as I said "instagram" it was on.  She was angry I was following people that I don't know.  I follow people that have similar interests even people from other cultures and it's interesting because I get to see alot of different things.  Well some dickwad posted a bunch of pics of a chick in a bathing suite.  I never noticed them or I'd have unfollowed him.  Apparently my wife was on my instagram looking for something to be mad about and found this.  So naturally I was given her typical infidelity accusations etc etc.  It's sooo fucking old.  I have been dealing with these for 10 years now and I have not done anything deserving of this.  The accusations don't even make me as sad as not being able to have a conversation.  I really want to come home and talk to someone about my life, my day, things I see, things I think.  Instead I just write.  I write to the nebulous internet.  To the spirit of my lover and friend.  I write pretending someone cares.  It's depressing as hell though, I was feeling so good the last week and now I am hit with this.  It's depressing because 10 years has gone since I married her and it's the same old bullshit.  This is the stuff that started my downward spiral years ago and I am climbing back out of my hole and I realize nothing is the same.  I know it sounds obvious it's time to let her go and terminate the relationship but I cannot do that for my children's sake.  The irony is she thinks we are at a good place in our relationship. Well, she may be....I'm sure not.  I'm at a good place with every thing else in my life and getting better, but not my marriage.  

This however is the good news: I didn't over react or act out of character.  The former me, the me I have struggled with would act out of character from being pissed about the accusations.  I would have followed a bunch of hoes and said "fuck you" in a passive aggressive sort of way. On my way to work I was so angry at her for the way she treats me and I considered doing that even though that's NOT me and I said "hell no".  Why do something out of character for you because you're mad?  That's what causes problems and that's what has broken my life before.  I will not let it break me again and I will not let my negative feelings cause me to do things out of retaliation or feeling justified to do wrong because I pay the hell for it regardless. I will be me, no matter who is here and I will be me no matter what my wife likes or what you like. That, my friends, is the good news. 

Not my day off

Today was a really powerful day for me.  I was a vessel for God's mercy in a mans life.  I did what God asked me to do and I fought myself to not take the easy way out or half-ass the job.  There was a gentle man that I am acquainted with that was needing help getting to neighboring towns to get some important paperwork done. He has no friends or family to drive him.  He simply has no one.  Every time I questioned him about his documents he could simply tell me no one would take him.  Finally I arranged to meet him on my day off and help him run errands.  He was a no-show.  I see him walking almost every day though so I thought I may run into him on my way home.  I promised God I would pick him up and take him to do his errands if I saw him.  I did see him and I kept driving.  I made it half a mile when I became really irked with myself for not being a man of my word to God and to myself and to this man.  So I turned around and went and got him.  Well he didn't have any of the documents he needed to get his paperwork done.  He is very border-line handicapped.  So I thought "not my fault, he didn't do his part he can go about it on his own if he doesn't make it easy for me" The truth of the matter is that I don't always make it easy for God and he told me that.  His spirit said "be this mans advocate".  So we tracked down his papers, it entailed a few phone calls and a few stops but we got it done.  I listened to his mindless ramblings for 3 hours in the car today, on my day off...but really...was it my day to begin with?  I make my "day off" mine, but if I am to be a Christian about it, it is not mine, it is Gods.  Today my day off was not my day off, it was God's day for me to work.  I don't tell this to glorify myself but to be humbled by my convictions and share my lessons learned.  

What is Christian

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this morning.  He is a very good man, I respect him very much but sometimes I'm not sure I agree with him.  Today we were talking about a concert series he went to and took some kids to see.  It was a Christian concert series but one of the bands was a metal band.  They had very dark props and portrayals that bothered him and the music was dark but not anti-God.  He made the statement to me "That was not Christian".  To which I had to ask "Why not? What makes it Christian or not Christian and who are we to judge?"  As we learn from the Bible there is a sense of relativity to alot of things.  To the Jews it was wrong to eat certain meats but the Gentiles didn't see any issue with that so they could eat the meat.  Other times in the Bible the sentiment is upheld that if it is sin in your heart, it is sin for you, even if it's not necessarily wrong.  To my friend, it was wrong, that music was not good.  To others, coming from a more mainstream or secular music, this may have been a step towards the light for them and this may have in fact been a good Christian experience. So before we judge things I think it's important to remember our experiences and perspectives may not be the same as another persons.  

The girl who cried "Sick!"

I feel kinda bad. My wife is like the girl who cried sick. She's always telling me she's sick, something is wrong and on and on.  Usually she's not actually she's just mentally not well and it makes her feel physically unwell.  It's usually psychosomatic.   So last night she kept waking me up telling me she was freezing and sweating and I didn't wake up completely but I wasn't very sympathetic because is' not unusual she wakes me up to tell me she doesn't feel well.  Well, today she really was sick.  She was chilled really bad and in soaked t-shirt from sweating.  It made me feel bad and sad.  Bad that I didn't take her more seriously and get up and do something.  Sad because I am with someone who has wore me out with hearing "I'm sick" to the point I don't react like I normally would to someone in need.  I feel like such a worthless husband being so unhappy with her and bitching all the time.  I want to love her but she makes it so freakin hard to love her.

Ready to Live ready to Love

I am ready to live, I know I'm ready to live, I have life in me starting to grow.  I want to live, I am driven to live, I can live, I will live, I am beginning to live now. 

I am not ready to love, I know I'm not ready to love, I have no love in me really.  I want to love, I am driven to love, I can love, I will love, just not right now.  

When I can both live and love then I will know life again. Until then I am lifeless, loveless and without heart.  May my passion not be quenched before I can love.  

Big Ben

All through this hour

Lord be my guide

And by Thy power

No foot shall slide

It's coming...wait for it....

Wait for it....wait for it.... I am starting to feel a little bit like spring inside me.  It's been winter in my heart for years.  Yes, I do mean years.  I'm working very hard at getting it together in my mind and my spirit.  I am seeing overflows of wisdom, I see fortitude returning to me, I am beginning to see evidences of integrity.   I want to do things to get my body in shape to feel better physically.  I am not there yet, I do not have the strong spirit I used to have but I felt that spirit stir inside me today.   Most importantly this stirring was not motivated by an external source.  It was not from love, it was not from inspiration, it was not from newness or desire to be liked it was from within me.  The desire in me to be me.  To be who I am, to rebuild and to be strong again.  The desire to stand up when the world around me falls.  It crushes me to see the life I have lived for so long.  I have merely existed to get thru my marriage and school.  I didn't see the toll it was taking until I am able to be well enough and strong enough to look over my shoulder.  It sickens me but I am still not strong enough to pick up all the pieces and put it back together again.  Not yet.  But I will be.  It will take some time but I will be the man I was again and so much more.  My road I have traveled has given me the wisdom I so foolishly asked for years ago. I have seen myself broken and worthless but still a recipient of the love and mercies of God when I did not at all deserve it.  It is experiencing this grace and mercy from God that saves me from my self destruction.  He has put me in a place in my life where I can feel my worth even when I was worthless to almost anyone else.  Furthermore a sign that my mind/spirit is healing, I wrote a short creative piece yesterday.  It did not come as freely as my creative writings used to but it was there.  I have not been able to think creatively for years as well so this is progress.  I feel like I can see the smallest sprouts popping up from the ground and it makes me happy.  I'm on my way there.  It will take time, it will take work and it will take discipline but I feel it in my bones, this is the year. 

Restart

If I started over, I would still be me. I would make mistakes and imperfect be. If I could start over I would only start at a different point, I would be no better if I were in another joint.  I would simply be starting with lessons learned and knowledge ahead.  I would be starting that much closer to dead.  If I were to start over no different would I be.  I have lived, I have loved,I have learned so I must simply find someone who loves me for me.

My Heart

My heart feels so damned heavy I can't lug it around anymore.  I want to cut it out and be free from it's weight so sore.  Was once in my life it was not this way.  It felt so light, like a balloon that carried me away.  But that which was brought me down, tumbling and falling down to the ground.  Now I drag my heart by my side. Aching, bleeding, bruised and torn.  Enlarged not from love but inflammation from scorn.  

Fountain of Sorrow

Well that's not OK

I had a patient today that kinda made me stop and think.  It was funny to be truthful.  I could clearly see that we did not meet her expectations in getting her order done. My expectations were not met either and I apologized for how long it took.  She started to say "That's Ok" but she stopped short.  It wasn't ok and she wasn't about to say that it was once she thought about it.  How often are we insincere in what we say? How often do we say "it's OK" when it's really not? How often do we say "I don't mind" and then talk about how much of a problem it was behind their backs?  Be honest!  I loved this moment because I am someone who tries to get along and please people and this really made me take a moment to realize I need to be more honest in my interactions.  It's OK for things to not be OK.  Furthermore it's OK for me to let you know it's not OK.  If it was offensive enough to offend me I have just as much right to let you know as you have the right to offend me.

Maybe

Looking at my last couple of posts, just from tonight, I see that at first glance they seem incongruent. They in-fact are not.  I don't need anyone, but I do want someone.  I don't ever want to need someone, but I aspire to be able to want to want someone again.  Right now, I still want you and only you my curly haired beauty queen, my best friend. Maybe someday another woman will sweep me off my feet, make me feel loved and complete like you did. Maybe. 

How hard can it be?

My Friend

Even if I don't want to love anyone.  Even if I don't want to care.  Even if I don't want to be with anyone again.  I still miss you.  I will always miss you. You weren't just the love of my life.  You were my friend.  My very best friend.  I miss you dearly.

I don't need nobody

Curious fact I realized today...I don't NEED anyone.  Not yet at least.  I once I'm older, or if I'm ever in a crippling accident things will change.  For now though,  I can do pretty much anything I need done myself.  I can fix stuff, I can cook stuff, I can bake, I can garden, I can hunt, I can shop, I can do laundry, I can mow the yard, I can build/renovate, I can work, I can buy, I can exist on my own.  I wonder what it's like to be in the situation to need someone.  My wife needs me.  I think she can live without me, it's just going to suck.  I also think that the has a needing personality.  I have a very independent personality.  I hope I never have to NEED someone.  I hope I never become needy either.  But I would like to want someone, however, I feel some days (and increasingly so) that I don't ever want to try to love again.  It's such a risky endeavor.  I look at my brother, married three years, now divorced and looking to date again with hopes of getting married.  I don't understand coming out of a toxic relationship that fast and trying to get right back in a relationship.  As someone who is needed, I think that you become dependent on the feeling of being needed, that is my brother.  He wants someone to need him. I disagree, I think we should want someone who wants us.  Wants us for who we are and what we do. Not want us for what we can offer and the life we can improve. That is usery. 

Empty house, full heart

Today my heart was full, it was happy, it had love and enjoyed life.  What was new?  My wife had left this morning and wasn't coming home til evening. I enjoyed time with my son, I cooked and cleaned.  I worked outside and I washed clothes, I was productive, I was loved, my house was peaceful.  It made me glad.  Not just glad for the moment, but glad for my future.  Glad because I know if shit flies apart, it will be OK.  For me, it will be vastly better than it ever was.  I used to fear getting caught talking to people. Not because my conversations were unfit.  Quite the opposite actually, they are very benign.  But my wife would flip her shit regardless.  I cannot communicate with the outside world because then I will know that something other than hell exists.  The truth is, I don't need to communicate with the outside world to know that...she just has to leave for a day and I realize it.  The good news in all this is it was a big step towards me being OK with being alone and not fantasizing about needing someone else to be made happy.  

Murderer of Blue Skies